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Tuesday, September 6, 2016

WTF - It's Been Nice Knowing You

I'm just penning this note to properly say goodbye to all my family and friends as I know my time on this Earth is limited.

You see, last night around 11pm I decided to Google stomach ache because I was the only one awake so I didn't have the hubby saying, "It's a stomach ache, you just have gas." There was no one to stop me from that "search" everyone does when something ails them like too much acne, or a weird catch in their hip or that red spot on the right butt cheek.

A big long list of websites for stomach ache appeared, my eyes scanning them immediately jumping to "When to worry about a stomach ache." Sure I passed up, "Home Remedies for Stomach Ache," and "It's just gas" stomach ache websites, why start with the small stuff, go big or go home.

The first question was, "is it in the upper right quadrant?" I sat thinking, "I'm not sure, how far upper right?" what if it is my gallbladder or liver?

No, it's a little further down, I thought, thank God I don't need Gallbladder surgery at 11pm at night.

Right lower or left lower quadrant are the ovaries, what if there is something wrong with my ovaries, should I wake someone up and ask them?

Oh wait, here's the online test of medical symptoms, what better way determining my exact milady?

Coloring in the test of the origin of my stomach ache wondering why they are asking questions like "Do you talk to people that don't exist" and "Are you the only one awake in your home reading up on medical knowledge" I move away from Acute Appendicitis touch briefly on Peritonitis, reading up on Typhoid Fever

Then I found it.

I have Whipple Disease, my eyes going directly to" if left untreated could lead to possible brain damage." I stop, look around the dark living room thinking, "Boy I was forgetting a lot of things today, do I have possible brain damage?"

But I'd better get a second opinion from another online website, WebMD. Moving there I ask, "Do I have Whipple Disease?" as I fill out the online symptom checker.

Thank you MerkManuals.com 
No, you do not have Whipple Disease, it says.

Oh, thank God.

You have a possible stage Four Divertiulitious Chrone Carrier Bacteria disease.


How did I go from the stomach ache to 4 months to live?

Before I can go sign my last will and testament, I'm distracted by another red spot, this time on my face. How long has that been there?

Back to the computer, sympton checker welcoming me back like a long lost hypochondriac friend.

It's not deadly, just serious.

The online quiz points to possible leprosy, curable but you may lose a few fingers.

Oh great, can I go back to the stomach ache please?