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Tuesday, May 30, 2017

WTF - My Shit List

Do you know your Shit?

My Shit List for my Children:

Stop breaking Shit

Playing with my Shit

Acting like a Shit
Stop giving each other Shit

Losing their Shit

Put their Shit away

Don't make me loose my Shit!

But if you think about it, there's really a lot more to Shit than just Shit.

One can be "the Shit."  "Have you watched the new Thor? Because he's the Shit."

Shit can also be known: "Have you asked her about wine? She knows her Shit."

A person can be a Shit Stirrer, or Full of Shit or a Crock of Shit.

You can be a Good Shit, or Deep In the Shit or just need to get your Shit Together.

You can Scare the Shit out of Someone or just Scare Them Shitless as a result Giving Them The Shits.

There is the Tough Shit, because you don't Give A Shit.

Really! No Shit!

Honestly, Shit Happens and when Shit Hits the Fans you could be up Shit Creek.

Holy Shit! Some people have Shit for Brains and can't Shoot The Shit.

So people Shit or Get Off The Can!

Know your SHIT!

Because honestly, I'm too sober for this Shit!

Saturday, May 27, 2017

WTF - Kids and Buttons

Thought I would share my wake up call this morning on the way to school!

We were driving to school in my rental car, a Dodge Charger.

Max, "What does that SOS button do?"

Me, "Don't touch......"

"911 what is your emergency?"

Me, "Uh, sorry child, button, had to press it."

Operator, "Don't worry, happens all the time."

What is it about kids with buttons?

Thursday, May 25, 2017

WTF - The Best Self Help Books Out There

Ya'll know I've got a few years on me, even though I still get carded every once in a while (OK, who's paying those cashiers to make me feel good?)
Yes, this is an actual book I read

I'm redoing all those self help books and thought I would share a few of my new titles:

Book I Read: The Breastfeeding Mom/Baby Connection.
Book I'd write - Breastfeeding for Dummies or how to get your child to find that tic tac at the end of a football.

Book I read - Hands On Healing For Children
Book I'd write - Stop Crying, You're Fine.

Book I Own - Natural Remedies For Everyday Situations
Book I'd Write - Do We Really Have To Go To The Emergency Room?

Book I Read - How To Survive the Teenage Years
Book I'd Write - You Did What?

Book I Read - How To Be A Good Listener.
Book I'd Write - What? or, "How to Look Like You Are Listening"

Book I Read - SuperFood For Your Family
Book I'd Write - No, I Am Not A Short Order Cook

Book I Read - Finding Balance In The Family
Book I'd Write - You'll Get What You Get and Not Pitch A Fit.

Book I Read - Family Time Is A Good Time
Book I'd Write - Best Hiding Places For Moms

Book I read - Your Spouse, Your Best Friend
Book I'd Write - Who Pulled Off My Covers

Book I read - You Are A Good Mom
Book I'd write - Screw It, Go Ahead Have the Glass of Wine.

Book I Read - How To Host A Successful Book Club
Book I'd Write - What Happens At Book Club Stays at Book Club

Another great real book!

Book I Read - Communicating With Teenagers
Book I'd Write - Go Ahead, Do It. Whatever.

Book I Read - Vacation Planning Tips For The Family
Book I'd Write - Well That Didn't Go As Planned.

Book I Read - How To Keep A Secret
Book I'd Write - Funny You Should Ask

Book I Read - Southern Cocktail Recipes
Book I'd Write - I Only Had One

Book I'm Currently Reading - Yoga Sequencing
Book I'd Write - Poses to Hold In A Fart

Book I Got In The Mail - Your Guide To AARP
Book I'd Write - How To Not Act Your Age

Finally, if you still need a few good suggestions for great parenting reading, here's a list of books I can relate to, right up my sense of humor alley.
Parenting Book Parodies

 I've moved past most of them, I'm already ahead in the wisdom arena.

My first book of blog postings called Snot and Tears

my recent one

That Grey Area - If Life is Supposed to Be Black Or White, Why Am I In That Grey Area.

Any new titles you'd like to add to my bookshelf on life?

Sunday, May 21, 2017

WTF - What Does Being An Adult Mean?

Just remembered I'm an adult and had a small panic attack about this.

Is this adulting thing really worth it? Because I am wondering......

Being an Adult means you'll never have anything new as the rest of the family sucks up your resources. We've now become sponsors of our children, "M&D Racing."

Being and adult means coffee is your primary beverage because you'll never make it through the day after worrying about your kids all night without it.

Being an adult means you're the only one that sees the pee on the toilet seat or worse yet you're the only one who doesn't see it and sits in it.

Being an adult means telling your child to use their "inside voice" then catching yourself screaming at them.

Being an adult means you have to plan your Friday night because you have a lot of kid shit to do starting early Saturday morning.

Being an adult means accepting and trying to communicate with teenagers then realizing you are actually the adult.

Being an adult means a great Friday night excursion with the hubby involves Lowes.

Treating your kids involves candy, treating yourself involves wine.

Being an adult means loving the little things, like going to the bathroom by yourself.

Being an adult means you have to wear real pants and with those pants comes responsibility.

Being an Adult means realizing you now enjoy spanking and naps that you hated as a child.

Being an Adult means seeing going to bed early as an ACCOMPLISHMENT!

So really, this adulting thing is for the birds, once I complete my panic attack you'll find me in my fort with a pint of ice cream and a large glass of wine.

When did you realize you were an adult?

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

WTF - Spring and Eagle Talons

Spring is a time of change, away from the skiing of winter to:

Getting the machete out for the leg hair that kept you warm all winter.
Checking your hair color because you're not wearing hats all day.
I'll just leave any reference to armpits alone.

Spring is also where all the new animals peek out of their warm dens just like my white legs peeking out from a pair of shorts and,

the Eagle talons peeking out from my sandals.

Off to my first pedicure of the season, a little embarrassed I waited a little too long, but hey, I remembered to shave.

I always go to the same place because they call me "honey" it makes me feel special.

Pick out your color Honey.
Sit in this chair, Honey.
Turn on the massager Honey.
Pay your bill Honey.

It is such a relaxing experience, as my friend and I sit next to each other in chairs, the sweet ladies working on our toes talking to each other.

Then I wonder, "What do you think they are saying?"

"This is probably the worst Spring set of toes I've ever seen."
"Oh yeah, well you can tell the last time she cut her nails it was with a hacksaw."
"I feel like I'm digging to china cleaning out these sides."
"I'm gonna have to let her soak an extra 20 minutes but I don't think it's gonna help."
"Do you think I can get away with SnapChatting how bad these nails are?"

Then one looks at the other and they both laugh.

Maybe she said, "At least she shaved her legs."

Honestly, they probably were talking about the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie divorce and I'd have no idea.

Somehow I knew my pedicurist liked me, I mean, she calls me Honey. As my friend looked on she massaged my legs extra long (my poor friend got the spit shine) they both brought out hot towels and she massaged my legs again with the towel (my friend frowning) then after the towel adding some extra lotion and massaged them AGAIN (my friend was pissed, at this point she was already at the nail dryer.)

If you need a new Spring ritual and enjoy being called "honey" go get your nails done. If anyone asks why, just say it helps keep your feet healthy for running, biking, hiking etc.

Well heck, be honest, it's been a long time since someone's called you Honey.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

WTF - Redefining Wrinkles

I thought I would be honest about getting old, I mean, now that I'm finally 21.

Oh, I got carded at Walmart for my wine, just saying.

I pointed to my face saying, "With all these lines you think I'm too young to drink? These lines are the reason why I drink."

What lines do you say? Let's start around the eyes.

Those lines are the "You did WHAT?" lines, when they are walking in with that look of "I almost died" and of course they tell you exactly what happened.

"Max fell out of the tree, you should see how wide his eyes were when he couldn't breath," my eyes go wide.
"I was really lucky when the match fell into the wet grass lighting the firecracker in Max's hand," Eyes get narrow.

My eyes spend so much time going wide then narrowing I've got plenty of "You did WHAT?" lines around them.

Above the eyes is the forehead lines called the "What the hell?" These are deeper than the "You did What" lines and can disappear when your children are behaving. The number of "What the Hell" lines is directly proportionate to the number of children you have....

Below those is the beautiful long groove between my eyebrows I call the, "WHAT THE F*CK?" line.
This is created by both eyebrows going up as the eyes get wide while you're looking at your child saying, "What the......?"

I have two boys so the "WHAT THE F*ck?" line between my eyebrows is pretty deep and does not go away when they behave.

Around my mouth there is the "Wait till your father gets home" lines. There's a lot of those. That's from frowning at their explanation on why they did all their homework then "forgot" to turn it in. Or you're planning on company for dinner and after cleaning the house, they appear out of their rooms like with big smiles on their face holding mountains of laundry.

The boys call these my "vampire" lines because the one and only time I wear lipstick it seeps into those lines making them "scarier" according to the boys. They sure to know how to compliment.
The final lines are on my neck, are the "No" lines.
No, you cannot shave the dog.
No, you can't jump off the roof of the house onto the trampoline.
No, you cannot beat up your brother.
No, I am the only saying that word.

You'll notice the lines go only one way because I've spent all my life with kids saying, "No."

Luckily, there's plenty of "Laugh" lines around my mouth, because well, if you have kids, you realize the importance of a sense of humor!

I think I'll stop there, because moving below the neck involves looking up terms in National Geographic and explanations in Mad Magazine.

So for now, I'll grab my bottle of wine, put my ID away and not look back at the cashier in Walmart with a "What the F*ck?" Don't want to deepen that line.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Ways to Stay Alive During the Last Month of School

Here we are, less than one month left, the new December in May where you try to cram the entire school year into less than thirty days.  How do you survive?  Here's a few tips:

Lunches -
Go ahead and buy the pre-made stuff, your morning will thank you. You survived a school year of making healthful lunches you know their either gave to their friends or threw in the trash. I put half a rotisserie chicken in my teenager's lunch because it fit in the gallon Ziplock bag. Slim Jims, cheese, sandwiches, go healthy with precut carrots and don't forget dessert - they will get some calories out of the Little Debbie Oatmeal brownie even if they throw the rotisserie chicken away.

Getting up in the morning -
From the beginning of the school year waking them up an hour early so they can ease into their day to throwing a pot of cold water on them 15 minutes before leaving.

Clothes -
They go from laying out clothes the night before to the "sniff" test that morning. You're stepping over mountains of laundry just hoping for clean underwear. Absolutely refuse to do the "sniff" test on any teenager clothing, you will thank me!

Carpool -
Your kids won't care how late you are to carpool, this is their last days of standing outside in the sunshine talking to all the girls, I mean all their friends. So take the extra time at the grocery store finding all those pre-made items before picking them up.

Teacher Appreciation -
Early in the year it was the Pinterest inspired handsome craft for the teacher, oh who am I kidding? I left that at Kindergarten.  Don't forget to appreciate all those teachers who's names you can't remember by giving your children a bag of gift cards to hand out. Honestly, they want a gift card to a restaurant with a fancy bar more than the handmade pot with paper flowers. Better yet, your child will forget to give all the gifts to their teachers and you have a ready made party in a bag for summer!

Last Day of School -
Let them go in, smell and all, with a moldy ham sandwich and half a grape congratulating yourself on a job well done. Or better yet, check everyone's absences and see if they still have a few left, turning off the alarms if they do!

You survived 180 days of education, now onto letting their minds ferment for the three months of summer before realizing you have to cram an entire summer vacation into the last week!

Thursday, May 4, 2017

WTF - Mom Love and Light Translations

We, as Moms need help with our language when our kids piss us off, which is on a regular basis. So I thought I would give you love and light translations, in a good way creating that positive parenting relationship between you and your teenager:

Walking into the kitchen after they "made" dinner.
You say, "Wow, looks like you two were getting creative in here," rather than,
"What the F*ck?"

Walking into their bedrooms.
You say, "Wow, you may want to wash a load of laundry, do you have any clean clothes?"
rather than, "What the F*ck?"

When they look at you and say, "I'm bored."
You say, "Hi bored, my name is Mom," rather than,
"Get your f*cking a** off the couch and clean your f*cking room."

When they ask you for money, you say,
"Ask your father," rather than
"Ask someone who f*cking cares."

When they bring all the laundry from their room and deposit in in front of the washer, you say,
"I guess you can binge wash The Office tonight" rather than,
"Do you expect me to f*cking do all this laundry?"

When they ask you to take them to Boone, wait 4 hours while they skate, then bring them over to Johnson City for a date, you say,
"That's just not feasible," rather than,
"Are you f*cking kidding me?"

When they tell you you're going to get cancer from drinking so much coffee (oh, OK wine,) you say,
"Oh that's interesting," rather than,
"What the hell?"

When they ask you to drive back to school at 11am to drop of a paper they need signed then turn around and come back at 230p to pick them up, you say,
"Well that sounds really interesting, I'm not sure my schedule can handle that today," rather than,
"Let' me play Mario F*cking Andretti up and down 194 today!"

When they wake up and tell you they forgot about a book report that's due today, you say,
"You'll have to talk to your teacher about possible rescheduling," rather than,
"Why didn't you f*cking do that yesterday when you were playing f*cking video games."

When they want you to some weird picture from a Math equation, you say,
"Well, that's what research is all about," rather than,
"I have no f*cking idea."

When you come home to them on the couches, wrappers and soda cans all over the room, you say,
"Well, looks like someone's going to get the trashcan right now," rather than,
"Who am I? The f*cking maid?"

When you accuse them of talking back and they tell you they are "explaining," you say,
"Oh, let's talk again about how wrong you are EXPLAINING," rather than,
"Let me show you how F*cking explaining works!"

When they freak out because you ask them to put their shoes away," you say,
"I'm sorry it upset you that I asked you to put your shoes away," rather than,
Throwing their shoes at them saying, "Here's your f*cking shoes!"

So let me know how peaceful you house is now that you've implemented my love and light translations to everyday "what the f*ck" moments!

Better yet, share your translations, I can always learn a new language of love keeping me from killing my children.