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Monday, June 20, 2016

WTF - My First Summer Wine, I mean Whine.

Sure it is summertime, we can ditch all the school time rules, right?

I mean, I started summer vacation thinking:

"It's only a little over two months of freedom for the kids. I can handle a little over two month of togetherness.

I got this.

I can do this.

Then the first hour of the first day of summer vacation happens.

Every towel is a musty sopping mess on the bathroom floor, including my white towels someone used cleaning up some spilled Red Gatorade.
I open the fridge to an empty bowl of fruit taking up space.
Followed by picking up an empty carton of milk.
Finally realizing the bread is only two end pieces.
Someone decided applying spray sunscreen in the wind was a good idea, going through an entire bottle.
Every bag of chips is sitting open, and all are soggy.
Someone "borrowed" my good sunglasses and scratched them.
I'm still wondering who's gum is matted in the dog's hair.
Socks, cans and wrappers scattered around the trampoline.
They've already started the dreaded, "I'm bored."

So today I'm going to be a mean mom,

I'm going to wake them up at 6am because vengeance is mine.
I'm going to make them sit at the table and eat a healthy breakfast, including fruit.
No computer time until they are outside for at least an hour.
Finish with cleaning their rooms.

Who am I kidding, this will last as long as that last box of Ding Dongs in the pantry.

I mean really, if I wanted to sleep in and have a clean house why did I have kids?

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

WTF - My Relationship with the Security Guard

We've all seen the Chippendales, you know the security guards that take it off? OK, neither have I but I thought I would share my relationship with my favorite security guard.

We've always joked about the gates to communities, is it to keep people out or to keep the people in? And why do some communities have gates that are perpetually open - a "we'd love to have you, oh psych, close the gate!"

I teach yoga classes at a mountain club requiring gated access. That's where I meet the security guard, lets call him Ricky Bobby and the beginning of our loving relationship.

Day one - Coming in hot, I take the first available lane, next to the security shack.

"Hi, I'm the yoga instructor for the day."

"Ma'am you are not a member of this club, you need to use the guest lane. Do you have a permit?"

"Um, no....do I need one?"

"I have to call for confirmation," I wait tapping out the new Justin Timberlake song on my steering wheel. He comes out looking like he had to go through Congress to get my day permit.

"On your way out please go to guest services for your permit," he says writing some type of note in the log. Does it say Wild woman in Mini Cooper, post warnings to all the golf carts?

"Sure thing!" I say, feeling like I was entering Fort Knox as the gate slowly went up.

Next Week - I now have my permit and am going through the correct lane. Why is Robert waving me down? Doesn't he realize I'm running late to my class?

"Hey there, I'm supposed to go through the guests lane right?" Justin Timberlake is blaring on my car's speakers.

"No Ma'am, now that you have your permit you will want to take the far right lane for contractors."

I look at the 4 inch difference between lanes, around at the total lack of cars, "Oh, OK. You have a great day!"

Next Week - I'm in the right lane, why is waving me down? Is the community on Lock Down?

This time because I like Robert, I turn down Journey on the car stereo, "Good morning! Permit - check. Contractor Lane - Check, are you having a great morning?"

"Ma'am the speed limit in the community is posted, you were approaching the gate at an inappropriate speed."

I'm feeling very Fast and Furious, "Oh sorry. Running late to class! Have a great morning."

At this point Robert is frowning at me as I leave.

Next Week - I think maybe he's beginning to like me, look at that frown as I pull in. Let's make it fun. I pull into the members lane, stop on a dime. This time it is Bruno Mars blasting. He should know me by now by my taste in music!

"Can I help you?" Then he looks at me like, "Oh, it's YOU!"

"Good morning! I'm the yoga instructor, but my car is in the shop so I'm in a different car this week."

"You will need a temporary permit," He disappears for a while, making me wonder if he is lobbying Congress, comes back with a piece of paper, puts it in the windshield, the wind immediately blowing it out and down the street. I think he loves me at this moment.

Robert adds another paper to the windshield with a sticky back, "Now Ma'am you know the speed limit, please acknowledge the stop signs, and watch the golf carts." I really think he did put that warning out in the community.

"No problem!  You have a great day," I say, running over the curb in my big truck right in front of Robert! Yes, we will have a long and beautiful relationship together.

You know what? I'd want someone like Robert at my gate, because no one, I mean no one gets in that place! Especially in the wrong lane!

Saturday, June 11, 2016

WTF - Hello Summertime!

School is in the books, summer has officially started. Here's a few sayings you'll hear on a regular basis in my house!

Who's wet towel?
Are you contemplating life with the refrigerator door open?
You are hungry again?
Get back here, let me put sunscreen on you.
No, soda for breakfast is still not acceptable.
Go outside, don't spend all morning playing that computer game.
Who are you talking to on the Xbox?
You want to eat again?
Why are you up so early?
What is that smell?
If you swam in that bathing suit yesterday, it's clean for today.
Who left the trash on the back porch for the raccoons?
It is not my job to entertain you.
I don't care you don't want to go, get dressed.
Why is your brother mad?
Get up, don't sleep the morning away.
Is that blood or a marker?
I've got plenty of work around the house if you are bored.
Don't sit on the furniture with a wet bathing suit!
The kitchen is closed.
Listen, I don't want to feed the neighborhood.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

WTF - I love proctoring EOG's said no parent EVAH!

I love volunteering at my children's schools, especially because I can keep tabs on them and not get arrested for stalking them at school.

The only problem is when they need test proctors for end of year testing. I know many teachers and parents have written very useful articles about how hard testing is for children at the end of the year, but they forget about us proctors! Imagine someone with my stellar personality having to walk around a room not meeting any eyes, not focusing on anything and

Not talking!

No cell phones!

No snapchat a picture of me being bored proctoring the test!

But I'm ready for the end of the school year like the rest of them so I volunteer every year as a proctor, let's get this show on the road.

This year was different, rather than a classroom, it was just one student. So I'm thinking, "Oh this could be a piece of cake."

The teacher walks in and my first thought is, "Well hello cutie patootie!" moving quickly to, "My god woman, you are in a testing environment!" Sometimes you can't help yourself.

So we are in a room the size of a broom closet, all three of us, myself and teacher staring at the child testing. Luckily he is a good enough sport and doesn't cave under the pressure of the windowless room and testing.

So, I thought this would be easier than walking the room, no, it is much harder. Every time I would shift in my chair it would creak, both the teacher's eyes and the students moving toward me.

After the first ten minutes I am bored of staring at the student, another ten minutes later I figure the teacher would think I was creepy staring at him, another ten minutes later I've counted every ceiling tile, and we are not even close to finishing.

As I look around the room, my chair creaks, all eyes turn to me. "Sorry," I mouth.

We get a three minute break, so we all three get up trying to move in the room saying, "Excuse me, excuse me" as we stretch, back to the test.

Finally I see him counting the pages to the end of the test, my chair creaks again as I strain seeing how many pages he has left thinking honey, I am counting with you.  3,2,1

Watching him slowly putting the answers in, every mark has me thinking YES! Another one in the book, we are ALMOST THERE! Believe me, I am screaming this in my head.

A few more to go, my chair creaks as I watch him start to answer another question, I look over to the teacher realizing he's probably feeling the same way!

Another step closer to the end of the test and

He sits back in his chair playing with the pencil.

My chair creaks as I think, Man, I'm getting older in this room.

I've never wanted someone to answer questions so bad. My back hurts from holding still in my creaky chair, my mouth is dry, I can't tap my feet.

He leans forward to answer another question, then sits back in the chair. I feel the deepest despair in my life.

Finally, I watch him close the book, my heart starts beating wildly, could it be?

"I'm done," he says, I smile move in my chair, let it creak!

"Are you sure, why don't you go back and double check this section?"


Disclaimer - this is a work of fiction, I have not taken the EOG's  nor will I ever take the EOG's.  Thank goodness. All testing was done in a manner agreeable to the state of North Carolina.  All teachers used the Men In Black pens on us Proctors, effectively erasing our memories so we will sign up for proctoring next year.

Monday, June 6, 2016

WTF - Last Week of School

Here we go, the final countdown to summer break!  This last week of school runs slower than any marathon I've ever finished, remember parents it is ONE DAY AT A TIME.

How does the last week compare with the first week?

First Week of School - Perfectly balanced lunch involving all the major food groups.
Last Week of School - two grapes looking like raisons, Fiber One Bar for health and a bag of Fruit Loops.

First week of School - Wake up 45 minutes early to ease into the day setting up positive vibes at school.
Last Week of School - wake up 10 minutes before we are out the door because who cares.

First Week of School - Get the required 8 hours of sleep, refreshed and ready for the day.
Last Week of School - Binge watch The Office until we look at our watches saying, "Oh shit, we gotta go to bed!"

First Week of School - Neatly folded clothes, loving put in dresser drawers.
Last Week of School - "Smell it, if you don't pass out then you can wear it."

First Week of School - Shiny new backpacks, lovingly packed.
Last Week of School - Pinning the strap on the tattered backpack saying, "You only have a few more days."

First Week of School - Beautiful insulated lunch box with ice blocks sectioning the food keeping it fresh.
Last Week of School - Finding the lunch boxes by following the smell. Ice blocks lost the 2nd day of school.

First Week of School - arrive early for drop off, loving send the teenager off to his bus.
Last Week of School - Two wheeling it through the parking lot, throwing open the door as Taco Bell wrappers fall out screaming, "RUN! Don't miss that MUS!!"

First Week of School - Stopping and having coffee with other parents after the drop off.
Last Week of School - Hiding from all the other parents because you're still in your pajamas and forgot your bra.

First Week of School - Sign and check all homework folders.
Last Week of School - Realizing you've already tossed the homework folders into the recycle bin a week ago.

Realizing that surviving both the first week and the last week of school takes talent.

Resistance is futile!

Have a great summer!