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Thursday, March 23, 2017

WTF - Teenager's Room vs. Walmart

I think traveling into the black abyss of my teenager's room has a few similarities to a trip to Walmart.

I am immediately overwhelmed walking through the door.

I  blindly wander around wondering where to start.

I always find pizza.

I only go when I run out of everything (dishes, clothes, socks, cups)

There is an amazing collection of chips.

I go in looking for one thing and stumble back out with lots of things I don't need or ever wanted.

There are quite a few times I stop and say, "What is that!?!"

I have to wade through a lot of crap looking for what I want.

"What is that smell?"

Looking for what I want involves reaching into some dark corner scared of what is going to touch my hand.

I go in looking for a T-shirt and come out with a  laundry basket of clothes, a bag of chips, a complete set of dishes and no idea how that happened.

I always start both trips smiling and in a good mood, the journey ends with me cursing under my breath.

And of course after a trip to both, I always say, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

WTF - Things I Never Thought I'd Say as a Mother

Hanging in the local BE Dollar General is like Walmart, I listened to a mother say,
"What are you smelling? What is that on your finger? Is that poop?"

It brought back sweet memories of life with boys, specifically things I never thought I'd say:

PreK Edition:
Is that chocolate on your face? Or poop? Where is your brother?
Of course Superman keeps his cape in his backpack, you don't want everyone knowing your superpowers.
Please stop locking your brother in the dog kennel!
Did the dog food taste good?
What are you eating? Oh well, it's gone now.
It is not funny wiping boogers on your brother.
Do not point that at me, just go to the bathroom!
Where are your clothes?
Don't touch that!

The K Edition
Well, those two dogs are just playing with each other, play like boys not like them!
We do not chase each other naked out of the tub, that's how someone gets hurt.
They are chicken breasts, not chicken hooters.
We do not use the word "nuts" or "balls" in school. Use the proper term.
What happened to the knobs on the radio? Did you take it apart again?
Don't touch that!

The Tween Edition
I know you think it is funny calling every female dog a bitch, but I don't.
No I am not spending 12 dollars on imaginary gold in an imaginary game for your imaginary character.
Who used all my good bath soap on the trampoline?
Those are my cookies, put them back!
If I sit on a wet toilet seat again someone's getting cut!
Why am I signing him in late to school, "For NO GOOD REASON!"
Don't touch that!

The Teenager Edition
Listen, I'd rather get there alive, we're not Speed Racer.
I'd like all my soup bowls back, can you check under your bed?
If I sit on a wet toilet seat one more time I will cut you!
Who told you turn signals were simply suggestions? Me? What?
Please don't use my razor on your balls.
Oh you want to give me attitude? Let me show you how to properly give ATTITUDE!
Don't touch that!

What would you add to the list?

Friday, March 10, 2017

WTF - Small Town Living and Serial Killers

I dreamt the other night I was a serial killer living on Beech Mountain. I hadn't killed anyone yet, planning on using the woods behind my house for the bodies. I had it all planned out then realizing I couldn't get away with murder, especially on Beech Mountain.

Living in a small town can keep you legal and keep you clean. Why can't I hide a body?

Everyone knows my car. That could be a problem. What if I am tying up my victim in the back of my car and someone stops saying, "Hey, it's locals night at Eddies, are you going?"

Everyone knows me. Even with a ball cap and ninja clothes, as I am stalking my victim on the ski slopes someone would stop and say, "Kelly? What are you doing in those trees? Do you need ski patrol?" Of course if I say No, then they add, "Then come on out, let's go to the Skybar for a drink." That poor little tourist in rental skis riding down the slope on their butt wouldn't know how lucky they are. Not only do they know what I wear now, they even know my skiing style. (Several give me pointers on how to correct it)

If people don't know me, they've heard about me. Some of this is a good thing, some of it can be very bad. I could try luring the person standing outside Eddie's smoking a cigarette saying, "Hey can I show you something?" And they'd reply, "Aren't you Kelly M? I've heard about you and your kids. Hey! Look! It's Kelly M." So much for the duct tape and taser in my car.

I can't wave. Beech Mountain locals expect waves up and down Beech Mountain Parkway. If I am a serial killer, I'm keeping a low profile which means no waving. Rather than people thinking I am antisocial, they'd all show up at my house wondering what was WRONG! Of course this would coincide with me dragging my first victim back into the woods!

You're always watched. When they know your car, the gear you wear skiing, the hiking trails you frequent there's no way you're going to hide a body. "Kelly was over there on Pond Creek yesterday, I saw her car there. Did you see the six foot mound of fresh dirt? She's working on the erosion project, let's go dig up that dirt and help her!"

Distractions. I'd finally get a victim back to the house and of course someone would text or call with:
Are you on the slopes today? Drink at the Skybar?
Hey Eddies has crushed candy shot glasses, wanna go?
There's live music at Beech Alpen Inn, are you going?
Who wants to get blood all over themselves when these other possibilities sound so much better.

Living in this small town there's a few people (including my boys on a school morning) that I'd love to put in the woods but thankfully the people and this place will keep me legal and clean!

Could you get away with hiding a body where you live?

Thursday, March 2, 2017

WTF - Commercials vs Reality

Did you know there's a definite difference between reality vs TV commercials!

Pimples. The first commercial is a beautiful woman worried about the SINGLE pimple on her face.

Reality - Craters, lots and lots of craters on your face. And sure it MAY have started with a single pimple, but in reality you pick at the damn thing until you're ready to give it a name, it's so big. Oh and according to the commercial, it clears up the next day. Reality, you look like Freddy Kreuger for a good month or so.

The next product promises a quick family meal complete with everyone sitting at the table smiling as you have meaningful conversation.

Reality - the product is so organic and gluten free that it tastes like cardboard, usually erupting in an family argument as most at the dinner table challenge each other to eating their food. The dog ends up puking later that night because everyone fed her their dinner. Children argue at the dinner table until parents cannot stand it and start grabbing for the first available hair.

Beer - Look at those beautiful skinny people running 26.2 miles then of course hanging out in the bar afterwards sipping on a low calorie beer enjoying time with friends.

Reality - walking up to the beer tent like Frankenstein because you forgot the Body Glide between the cheeks of your butt, accepting the beer, then promptly throwing it up in the trash can as one of your friends says, "Dayum, what is that smell?"

Man and Fragrance - If you douse yourself in that "manly" cologne women magically appear, hanging off your elbows!

Reality - You do DOUSE yourself in the horribly smelling stuff and women start running. Worse yet, you hug one poor woman and the next morning she still smells like your cologne! Lasting memories!

Having your Period - take one pill and all of a sudden you feel like a million bucks, taking care of your children, smiling at your husband, enjoying the day at work!

Reality - Taking 6 pills of said product and it still doesn't do a thing, biting your husband's head off in the morning, threatening boarding school to your children and your coworkers locking you in the closet for the next 7 days.

Cleaning products - use our product and you'll enjoy cleaning your house, the family coming home smiling.

Reality - you can't get the safety latch off the product, then effectively pour it all over yourself when you do. No one notices the clean house when they come home and very quickly trash the place up again.

So you see, commercials think they got us right but they don't. I want to see kids fighting as Mom threatens, while Dad drinks

Now that's a product I'd buy.