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Tuesday, June 26, 2018

WTF - The Fifteen Minute Tour

I think the motto for my family is:

"Well, that didn't go as planned."

Case in point. My husband brought down a small sailboat (Escape) with the intention of sailing over to Shackleford Banks. Shackleford banks is an island about a 30 minute power boat ride from Beaufort.

He started with me, "You ready to sail with me to Shack?"

I immediately ignore him and act like there's some monster living in my coffee.

He turned as a child walked into the kitchen, the child heard the word "sailing" immediately disappeared back into his bedroom.

So the hubby is moving onto his brothers and sisters, immediately finding the first available guinea pig, his brother.

Here's the picture my honey had in mind sailing his sailboat:

Or maybe this.....

They pack a cooler - waters, beers, some snack crackers because you know it is a long way in a sailboat to Shackleford. The hubby already saying, "Just the power of the wind!

They apply sunscreen, grab hats, sunglasses, checking off a list before embarking on their tour.

My son and I say a small prayer as we watch them walk the boat down to the free dock.

20 minutes go by, and I go out looking for them but don't see them out in the waterway. "I wonder where they are?" Until I see a hint of the plastic sail by a boat before disappearing again.

 Another 30 minutes go by and there they are!

"Look! They are sailing!"

My son says, "Why is there so much water in the boat?"
"That's a good question." I reply.

So things didn't go as planned. My brother in law's version:

That damn plastic sail sounded like a jackhammer every time the wind hit it.  We couldn't get out of the boat dock. Every time I told Jeff we were getting ready to run into something he simply replied, "Don't worry about it!"

My hubby added, "I think we had a little too much weight. The pirate ship guy got a little concerned when we almost hit the boat with the kids on it. Blackbeard was yelling at us!

But we got out there! We were sailing!"

For a total of 20 minutes, 

then it all went down hill from there.

Brother in law, "I told Jeff his flip flops were floating out of the boat, he replied, "Don't worry about it!"

Then I told him we were sinking, he said, "Sinking about what?"

Jeff, "I told Erik we had too much weight in the back on the boat, so he moved up front and the entire front went under water, then I thought we were probably in trouble."

I pull us into the dock in front of Finz and the dock master comes running out saying, "What are you doing?!?"

I look up from the plastic sailboat and say, "Give me 150 gallons of fuel and a six pack of beer."

He looks as me like I was crazy, so I say, "Hey, it was an emergency."

"Get that boat out of here, there's a boat coming into this slip!"

So their sail to Shackleford turned into 20 minutes bouncing off two other boats until finally saving themselves at Finz!

 I'm shaking! The hubby says, his brother just shaking his head.

Later that night at a local bar, one of the bartenders looks at my husband saying, "Wait? Are you the dude that was sailing that little boat?"

They've become legend. Another guy in a bar said, "Oh yeah I saw that from my sailboat, I do believe you two ended up on my Snapchat story."

Things never seem to go as planned but then we wouldn't have the stories to laugh about in the bar!

Sometimes Plan B is a funnier alternative!

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

WTF - Kim and His Toilet

So one of the news stories mentioned that Kim Jung Un brought his own toilet to the summit tonight making sure no one knows what's in his turds.

Really, what's in his turds?

What type of information?

My husband mentioned, "I don't know, medication or cancer or illness, maybe stuff like that?"

I was just thinking corn.

So I can't help but think about the conversation about bringing his own personal portable toilet.

What is that?

It's a portable toilet, the president has to keep his shit to himself.

But does he need this?

Yes, we have to make sure none of his shit ends up in enemy hands.

Where do you want the toilet?

Close, he likes to keep his shit close to him, and doesn't want anyone else in his shit.

Do you want it in the room?

No, he doesn't want people to see his shit in public.

One security guard looks to the other saying, "Shit's getting real."

Maybe he's hiding the nuclear codes up there, or perhaps a light bulb like one nurse mentioned she had to get out of someone's ass.

They could analyze his eating habits, like CSI or something.  Lots of Oreos, he's depressed, vegan diet only he's a little crazy or worst yet, beets he's a little blood thirsty.

Then my thoughts travel to what they would find if they decide to investigate the shit Kim creates.

Let's cut it in half, it's a big one. One shall go to Homeland Security, the other to the CDC.

Look! We have parts of Twizzlers in here! Made in America! We have something we can negotiate the trade war with!

"You can tell he's not a softie,"

Wait, I see nuts! He's nuts!

But wait, what is this, it looks familiar.



CORN! They are purchasing American products under the radar. Call the tariff police!

So luckily I'm just a normal citizen, I don't need a portable toilet. I can hide my:

My love of Oreos

They won't find peas but will find corn and peanuts.

That I really hate eating my greens

And worst yet,

Send samples off for national security.

And deport me to North Korea!

What's in your toilet? Or portable toilet?

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

WTF Teenager vs. Alexa

I'm still learning how to communicate with my Alexa, ok, all my Alexas but I have realized that she is much more cooperative than my teenagers.

How does Alexa differ from my teenagers?

Alexa actually listens the first time you say her name.
    My teenagers take about 176 times before screaming like a banshee when they finally do what they are supposed to do saying, "Geez, what's wrong with her?"

My Alexa doesn't require a lot of power.
  I can't even share my grocery bills with you at this moment, they make me weep.

Alexa has an ON/OFF button.
  Teenagers are always in the OFF position. Especially on non school days, then it takes several reboots to find the ON switch but it still doesn't work.

Alexa asks questions if she doesn't understand me.
  Teenagers just walks away.

Alexa can multitask if asked.
  Only multitasking the teenagers do is sleeping and farting at the same time.

My Alexa is polite.
  My teenagers? They'll yell back, "WHAT?!?"

Alexa will clarify things with 36 additional questions AND listen to your answers.
  My teenagers have this sense, teenager sense, to not understand something that involves them doing some work. Unlike Alexa, they then ignore the 36 additional comments clarifying what I want them to do.

I can sit the room with Alexa and relax.
  This cannot be done unless teenagers are asleep on the couch (farting of course)

Alexa goes shopping and only buys what you asked her to buy.
  Teenagers come back from the store with 56 dollars of beef jerky, 120 dollars worth of candy.

Alexa gives me a great fact when I say "Good morning!"
  Teenagers just grunt back.

Alexa is always so chipper.
  Teenagers? Just after noon, when they stumble into the kitchen for something to eat. Grasp that moment because it's gone in 17 seconds.

See how easy it is with Alexa than it is with kids? However if the Internet goes out......well.......

She doesn't listen to anything.

She doesn't know how to turn a light on or off.

Any request is met with stubborn silence.

You're on your own when it comes to shopping.

Exactly like my teenagers.