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Tuesday, September 26, 2017

WTF - 30 Years? Really? How To Survive

Today marks the day - 30 years of marriage! I still think the day is wrong it was the 27th, but since we got a bottle of Angel's Envy engraved with 9/26/87 I'm going with it, right.

So how does marriage work? I thought I would share some blogs from the past years on how we do it!

Funny story about how our marriage works.  Jeff hates it when I waste money throwing away food.  So I bought a whole chicken with the intentions of cooking a gourmet meal for us (lemon, tyme, stuffing all the fixins) but I put the chicken in the bottom drawer of the fridge and promptly forgot about it.  (when's the last time YOU looked in the bottom drawer of your fridge) So a couple of weeks go by and I realize I forgot about the chicken by the smell.  What to do?  Rather than fess up, I go and bury the chicken in the bottom of the trash can and set it out for pickup.  Done deal, lecture averted right?

No, the next morning, we're getting ready and I'm shocked to see my husband running through the house in a business suit with two large white trashbags going up each arm.

"What's going on?"

He stops for a second, "You're not gonna believe this, but there's a raw chicken sitting in our front yard!"

I don't even pause, "How'd that get there?"

He walks out the door, "I don't know but I gotta get it before they think we're into some voodoo shit!"

So there you have it, a great way to keep your marriage happy.......ok, I fessed up as he came back in, but I couldn't help laughing through my confession.  Voodoo shit?  "Those Melangs, you know they've got raw chickens and I swear I smell incense....."

How do you survive 30 years?

Marriage - two people bound together by the same sense of humor.

For example:

Husband, Where do you want to go out to eat?

Me, Whatever you want to do.
Husband, Tacos?
Me, I don't feel like tacos.
Husband, "Pizza?
Me, Pizza is too greasy.
Husband, Hamburgers
Me, Hamburgers are too fattening.
Husband, what do YOU want to eat.
Me, Whatever, it doesn't matter.

My husband watches me work the straw of a a Cook Out Milkshake like a hooker at a bachelor party. After five minutes I realize he is staring at me, so I say, "What?" He shakes his head saying, "I've been cheated!"

Change to him blowing out half a lung blowing up balloons for a party, I look at his blood red sweaty face saying, "Don't hurt yourself, I'm not driving all the way to the hospital."

My husband walks in on me naked - on my hands and knees scrubbing the tub.  "Are you propositioning me?" He asks with a smile. "Of course not, I'm multitasking," I mutter.

My husband walks into the bedroom as I am scrambling underneath the covers with an "Ahhhh." "Are you propositioning me?" He asks. "No, not unless you want poison ivy," I mutter.

Coming up on that special wedding anniversary, I say, "We should get married again." Without skipping a beat he says, "To who?"

Some young buck in the neighborhood asks if I want my driveway shoveled of 16 inches of snow, I look at my hubby and say, "Oh no thanks, his insurance policy is up to date!"

In the middle of an argument, I caught myself saying, "You think I think I am always right - well, YOU'RE WRONG!" I can't remember what we were arguing about after that sentence. 

Husband: Are you going to share those cheese and crackers.

Me, looking at my plate silently counting the number of cheese and crackers.
Me, slowly sliding the plate away from husband.

You know you've been married a long time when part of your date night involves describing something disgusting in detail, and your hubby responds with a few more questions for clarity.

Child walk by with Hazmat diaper, he looked to me saying, "Rock, Paper, Scissors?"

Oh and of course my favorite saying, usually said at least once a day:

"Oh? Did I F*ck up again?"

So there ya have it, here's to not killing each other for 30 years and for another 30 more!

Have you ever had a chicken in your front yard?

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