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Friday, December 15, 2017

WTF - Dear Santa

Dear Santa:

Just wanted to pen a note to you explaining a few things from 2017.

Yes, I know I haven't written a letter since 6th grade, but there were a few busy years, then the 70's, and who remembers the 80's perhaps you got a letter and forgot? From the 2000 on, the letters in crayon to you were written by the boys with my help, that should count for something.

I'd like to say I've been pretty good for 2017, I'm proud to say, my kids are still alive, the cars still run, the dog hasn't run away and I'm still wearing the same size as last year. Doesn't that put me on the nice list?

OK, you're right, there were a few incidences:

That use of FBomb, I'm not sure that was totally uncalled for. You see, my son used my ski goggles this summer mountain biking, and I didn't know until first day of season. He said my goggles worked better, I said, "Of course, they're F*cking Vonzippers, do you know what I paid for them?" See there is a reasonable excuse.

All those other times? Well, one after the roller coaster my kids talked me into, and yes, when they threw a live fish in my direction, finally that time they used my bathroom for their daily constitutional later explaining they didn't know how to use a plunger.

The tailgating up and down Beech Mountain? No, that's not tailgating, I'm suggesting they pull over. It always work and the kids haven't been late to school----yet. I do stop for all the animals, especially the skunk, everyone stops for the skunks.

Yes, you are right, there's bit a little bit of lying. These are nice list lies, "I'm sorry all the chocolate is gone," is the perfect lie because if they eat that last piece, I'm back on the naughty list with the FBomb again. Or the "go ask your father" lie because I don't want to deal with it, honestly, he is better at saying no than I am.

Then there's the black leather sequined pants. Definite naughty list material. I learned my lesson with those, I couldn't feel my legs for the length of the party and I lost $100 bucks because I dropped it and couldn't bend over to pick it up.

The Twerking Incident. Bad decisions on my part. It was in front of my mirror and I realize my mistake when I threw out my hip with the first thrust. I did learn a lesson, I can't do this in public! I, for one, am glad that fad is now fading away.

That fight on Social Media. I still believe Nacho Libre is much better than Hot Rod. I'm still not backing down. How did you see that? I deleted that post from Facebook. Oh, right, you see who's been naught or nice.

Not texting my children back. Quid Pro Quo Dear Santa, let them feel my pain.

That comment I made on May 22, 2017 at 637pm. I'd had two glasses of wine.

So Santa, see there are plenty of excuses for those short trips into the Naughty list but for the most part I've been NICE! I say "please" and "thank you" with out any curse words, I open the door for seniors, and I don't fart during yoga class.

Here's my Christmas wish list:

Don't listen to the boys when they say they want a puppy.

Wolfgang definitely doesn't need a car.

Max doesn't need that drum set, we honestly don't have the room for it.

I'll take a case of wine along with a box of chocolate. Box is fine. I may be cheap but I'm not an easy girl.

Oh, and if you are feeling particularly generous over the wine, my husband has a text of everything I want, his number is 828-333-1657

Love Kelly.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

WTF - Driver's License Edition

How in the world did I end up here, scouring the Watauga County Alerts and Updates Facebook page from 730a to 830am?

But wait, let me back up a bit.

Yesterday we graduated from the permit to the license. And just like most things it wasn't easy.

Wolfgang, first thing in the morning, says "Do we have everything to get my license?"

Me, "License? What? You're 16? Where did the time go?"

So I go online figuring out what we need.

Birth certificate - check
Social Security Card - check

Driver's Log - what?

"Teen must have a drivers log of over 60 hours of driving time documented, 10 of which hours must be at night."


I ask other parents, "Did you need the log?"

One mother responds, "Yes, I created an Excel spreadsheet for my cherub complete with time and distance for my cherub. That way we could add up the time and see the distance she drove."

Are you kidding me?

I ask another mother, she responds, "Didn't you use the App?"

App? There's a teen supervising driving log app? What will they think of next? A Mom yelling at supervised teen driving app?

Time to create a fake drivers log. I mean really? He's had a permit for a year, he's gotten the 60 hours in, why do I have to document it. But document it I do.

I use different pens.
Different handwriting
spill coffee on the paper (that I didn't do on purpose but it definitely made it look authentic)
Then crumpled the paper up.

Show up at the DMV - check. We're using a friend's car because Wolf is worried he'd fail using the stick shift on the Mini.

Do I have proof Wolf is on my insurance?


I'm on the phone with the insurance company while they fill out the paper and they fax over the proof - check.

I take a picture of them walking out for the test and before I could even post it. I see they're walking back in.

Shit.  I bet he forgot to put on his seat belt.

My heart sinks.

"You have a tail light out," The instructor says, "Go over to Advanced Auto Parts and come back."


We drive over to Advanced Auto parts and the first thing he asked, "What's the make and model of car?"

Shit. I don't know. (the guy looks at me strange, like "You don't know the make and model of your car?")

I go out, grab the manual and present it.  03 Subaru - check.

He hands me the light bulbs, a pair of gloves "You have to wear these putting it in otherwise the light will not work." Next he gives me a socket wrench.

Wait, what? Putting it in? What does that mean?

Wolf and I go out, he's looking like a doctor with the rubber gloves on, I'm YouTubing how to change a lightbulb in an 03 Subaru.

Two new lightbulbs in the car - check.

We go back and the man is nice enough to take Wolf first (we do have a really nice DMV it is

not as depressing as most I've been in)

This time I don't look as they walk out, hoping it's good luck.

It is! He comes back with a big smile on his face and the instructor gives me a thumbs up!

New Teenage Driver - check

Case of wine - check.