WTF - Why I Put Up Christmas Decorations Early

12:01 November 1st and as soon as I walk into Lowes Hardware there are Christmas trees everywhere! Seriously, the first truckload of Christmas trees has already traveled down Main Street Banner Elk.

Wait a minute, isn't it still fall?

Don't we have to get past Thanksgiving first?

My son sent me this.

Of course not, Hallmark has already started it's Christmas movies full of matching pajamas, hot cocoa in front of the fire, and of course horse-drawn sleighs.

Not me, I say. I'm keeping my fall decorations!

Until Mother Nature had a better idea.

Two days past Halloween every single flower on my mums was gone.

Eaten.

My hubby looked at the green stalks declaring, "Now that's a plant."

But I wasn't going to give up, I still had my pumpkins.....

Sort of.

I noticed one pumpkin had been attacked that night, the side of it looking like a werewolf from Halloween ripped it open. But that's OK, I just turned it around.

Until the next night, it was split open and someone feasted on its gooey insides.

Still undaunted I moved my last remaining pumpkin up on my deck, figuring that will keep it intact until Thanksgiving, right?

Wrong.

The squirrel was stealthy. I could see the pumpkin outside my kitchen window while I sipped my Pumpkin Spice coffee. Looked normal enough.

Until the head popped out.

Of the hole in the back. The damn squirrel was inside my pumpkin eating!

But that's OK, the outside still looked fine.

For two more days, then the entire thing collapsed.

Mums gone, pumpkins are gone. I put out my fake pumpkins, figuring that will last until Thanksgiving.

Right?

Nope, someone took them and made off with them.

I can see the bear looking at my pumpkins thinking, "Wow, those look perfect." Running off with them into the woods only to find they are made of styrofoam.

Oh well, I wonder if the animals eat mistletoe?

When do you officially give up on fall decorations and get out the Christmas tree?

WTF - Dear Santa

Dear Santa:

Just wanted to pen a note to you explaining a few things from 2017.

Yes, I know I haven't written a letter since 6th grade, but there were a few busy years, then the 70's, and who remembers the 80's perhaps you got a letter and forgot? From the 2000 on, the letters in crayon to you were written by the boys with my help, that should count for something.

I'd like to say I've been pretty good for 2017, I'm proud to say, my kids are still alive, the cars still run, the dog hasn't run away and I'm still wearing the same size as last year. Doesn't that put me on the nice list?

OK, you're right, there were a few incidences:

That use of FBomb, I'm not sure that was totally uncalled for. You see, my son used my ski goggles this summer mountain biking, and I didn't know until first day of season. He said my goggles worked better, I said, "Of course, they're F*cking Vonzippers, do you know what I paid for them?" See there is a reasonable excuse.

All those other times? Well, one after the roller coaster my kids talked me into, and yes, when they threw a live fish in my direction, finally that time they used my bathroom for their daily constitutional later explaining they didn't know how to use a plunger.

The tailgating up and down Beech Mountain? No, that's not tailgating, I'm suggesting they pull over. It always work and the kids haven't been late to school----yet. I do stop for all the animals, especially the skunk, everyone stops for the skunks.

Yes, you are right, there's bit a little bit of lying. These are nice list lies, "I'm sorry all the chocolate is gone," is the perfect lie because if they eat that last piece, I'm back on the naughty list with the FBomb again. Or the "go ask your father" lie because I don't want to deal with it, honestly, he is better at saying no than I am.

Then there's the black leather sequined pants. Definite naughty list material. I learned my lesson with those, I couldn't feel my legs for the length of the party and I lost $100 bucks because I dropped it and couldn't bend over to pick it up.

The Twerking Incident. Bad decisions on my part. It was in front of my mirror and I realize my mistake when I threw out my hip with the first thrust. I did learn a lesson, I can't do this in public! I, for one, am glad that fad is now fading away.

That fight on Social Media. I still believe Nacho Libre is much better than Hot Rod. I'm still not backing down. How did you see that? I deleted that post from Facebook. Oh, right, you see who's been naught or nice.

Not texting my children back. Quid Pro Quo Dear Santa, let them feel my pain.

That comment I made on May 22, 2017 at 637pm. I'd had two glasses of wine.

So Santa, see there are plenty of excuses for those short trips into the Naughty list but for the most part I've been NICE! I say "please" and "thank you" with out any curse words, I open the door for seniors, and I don't fart during yoga class.

Here's my Christmas wish list:

Don't listen to the boys when they say they want a puppy.

Wolfgang definitely doesn't need a car.

Max doesn't need that drum set, we honestly don't have the room for it.

I'll take a case of wine along with a box of chocolate. Box is fine. I may be cheap but I'm not an easy girl.

Oh, and if you are feeling particularly generous over the wine, my husband has a text of everything I want, his number is 828-333-1657

Love Kelly.

Merry Christmas from the Melang Family

Happy Holidays! I'd love to say I'm saving the Earth one piece of paper at a time and not doing cards this year, but honestly, I just forgot about it.

So here's our Christmas newsletter, electronic edition:
We are doing great! Especially this snow season as we have snow on the ground for Christmas break! Remember last year, the year of "skiing the patch?" This time last year we were hiking Profile Trail of Grandfather and not on the slopes. Any day on the snow is a good day.

Wolfgang is coming into his own with Watauga High School and I am thrilled. He now has his core group of friends and seems over his shyness. How do I know?

He asked a girl to Homecoming, and went.
He went from "get me out of here" to "Can you pick me up late, we're hanging out."
He stayed for all football games, and now the basketball games

Most of all,
He and two friends decided to go shirtless singing a country version of "Santa Baby."

So with all the doubting myself, I am breathing a sigh of relief as he is now living the high school life, something he couldn't do if we were still commuting every weekend for time on the mountain. We've found our home.

Max is enjoying Valle Crucis Middle School, and all the awkward things that go with being a pre-teen. He participated in the Color Run, and has a core group of 5 friends, good boys who really enjoy each other.  Max is getting straight A's in school in addition to being moved a grade ahead in Math for this year. Definitely didn't get the Math gene from me!

I took several jobs this year.

I became a yogi, teaching classes for visitors this summer at Elk River Club, then continuing my teaching and practice with locals with Beech Mountain Club. I absolutely love this, especially when I sit at home with a glass of wine watching yoga videos, planning my classes (did I just say that?) My practice is getting better, my flexibility along with it, I'm even moving into the intermediate poses and pulling my winter friends class with me. I can honestly say yoga has helped me breath literally and figuratively, I don't know what I would do without practicing at least 3 times a week. Right now we are enjoying the "Lion's Breath" pose. Look it up, it's pretty cool.

I took a job as Administrator for Beech Mountain Academy, a non profit helping children become something bigger than themselves by joining a team. We have two divisions, Alpine Racing (gated racing Giant Slalom etc) and Freestyle Ski and Snowboard.  There is nothing better than coaches who are proud helping their kids achieve their goals and watching how these kids gel together. Both teams are an awesome representation of Beech Mountain and I'm humbled being part of this process.

My writing is going well, I'm enjoying the phrase, "If I don't write it, I will do it," phrase when people read some of my short stories, looking up with a "WHAT?" I've finished editing a Contemporary Romance and plan on releasing it through Medium.com in January. One more pass through! Since you're here on my blog, you're in the right place, I'll post the links on all my social media sites as well as here!

Jeff's work is going well, two big things of interest. If you see the new "Most Interesting Man in the World" (Dos Equis) commercial, looking the helicopter in the background. Jeff setup that deal, getting that helicopter to Tampa for a big Dos Equis promotion. Honestly, to me Jeff is the most interesting man in the world.

Jeff received his Aircraft Appraisal Certification this year, helping sellers and buyers determine the correct price for their aircraft. One of his cool appraisals was finding the correct value of the original AirForce One, Eisenhower's plane sitting for years in the airplane graveyard. This airplane  almost collided with another airplane in mid air, creating the VIN number system we use today, determining aircraft by a number rather than make and model.  If you want to see something cool, visit the airplane graveyard in the desert by clicking here.

Shawnee the dog got attacked by two dogs last Thanksgiving and is vibrant today, our pocketbook not so after the $2400 vet bill.

Both boys had a great mountain biking season except for Max breaking his arm in the last race of the season. He crashed at the finish line and asked with a bent arm, "I crossed the finish line, right? What was my time?" His next question at the ER after learning it was broken was, "This is great, I'll be ready to go for snowboard season, right? 6 weeks!" Wolf's last race was riding for a local bike shop, Magic Cycles, he was thrilled to ride their gear wearing their colors.

So where are we now? Sitting in front of a fire, with a glass of wine arguing about whether we should watch A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation or Elf! Here's to our electronic hug coming through your computer wishing you a very merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Much Love, the Melang Family



Oh and did I mention this?

Yeah, this.

WTF - Are You Happy To See Me?

Warning: If you are easily offended, pass on this one. Otherwise party on.

Would you like Dark or Milk Chocolate?

Every year we have a Naughty or Nice party in our mountain community, two things make this one unique:

Everyone is naughty, not a single nice gift.
The Median age of our group is older than me. (and I'm not telling my age, just old)

So I only get to visit Night Secrets, our local Fantasy Store once a year (seriously, I'm not kidding) for this party. Today was the day as I heard weather was coming in and I may not make it back to Boone tomorrow my last day before the party.

I'll start with a lift conversation between my sweet innocent husband and a good friend.

"What are you getting for the Naughty or Nice Party?"
He paused for a second, "A big Chocolate D*ck."
Our friends pauses for a very long time, we're worried we offended him, responds, "I could take a bite of that. Dark Chocolate or Milk Chocolate?"
Usually what happens on the lift, stays on the life, but I didn't name names right?

Back to me HAVING to get this gift, how do I do it with a child in the car?

"Where are you going?"
"I'm going into the AT&T store."
"Why? You have Verizon."
"I'm getting an accessory for a phone and they are the only one that has it."
"Is it for me for Christmas?"
"Possibly."
"Oh, OK."

Once safely inside, my car parked prominently in front of the AT&T store, I start down one aisle.

Thought Process:
How could some of these items come in so many different sizes and colors?
What is THAT for?
Oh my God.
That's hilarious, oh, they are serious about it.
5 DD batteries? Are we powering the revolution?
Maybe if I turn it upside down....OOOHHHH!

I pick out my gift bringing them up to the counter, the girl looking at my beet red face then down at my purchases.

"Would you like me to open this one and put batteries in it seeing if it works?"

(Oh, shit) "Um yes, that's good idea."

"You'll need 2 AA batteries for this guy, do you need batteries?"

"Uh no, I have kids." (Crap! Did I just say that? What is she thinking? Why is she smiling at me?)

She puts the batteries in, turns it on, we both stand there watching it for what seems a long period of time.

"Looks like it works like a champ," she says.

"Yep, someone's gonna be happy," I reply (Did I just say that?)

She takes the batteries back out and we both sigh as she puts it back in the box going back to ringing up my other purchases. Just as she's completing the purchase, I stop her,

"Wait do you have any chocolate d*cks?"

"Of course, they are over there by the vaginas."

Of course they are.

Merry Christmas the naughty way, what would you bring to a Naughty or Nice party?

WTF - Do you Fraser Fur?

The picture in the head is never like the actual reality is it?

This year we went on our yearly excursion for THE perfect Christmas tree. Little disclaimer to start, my husband it not the best with it comes to crowds, kids and campiness.

Enter the SugarPlum Fairy Christmas Tree Farm. (Go there, they said, you'll love it)

We pull in and are met by a very nice lady,

"Take Blitzen Way down to Comet Road then make a sharp on Snowflake circle, you can park there."

My husband looks at me, "Is that some kind of code?"

Of course he takes the wrong way through Frosty's Garden one of the guys yelling at us while pointing to Snowflake Circle.

The hubby is always the man with a plan, this time it's my turn with the plan! "We take the hayride up to the trees, pick a tree, cut it down and we're good to go!" I say excited.

He looks at his watch, "So what, fifteen minutes?"

I walk around Sugar Plum Village, into Christmas Corner and return back to the hubby with his hands on his hips, "You're late we missed the Sugar Plum Express."

Trying not to laugh, I say, "What?"

"The hayride, the hayride already left, see?" He points to the disappearing wagon. "You went past the North Pole, we are supposed to wait here. Now we have to wait for the next SugarPlum Express."

"Let me take your picture, stick your head in the snowman." Was that a smile?

We make the second hayride, and it circles all around the farm the hubby saying, "Are we back on Snowflake Lane AGAIN, we were just there. We keep circling the trees, tell them to stop and let us off!"

"Oh honey, just enjoy the experience," I say as we finally stop at the trees.

A very nice man in a Carhart suit hands my husband a saw, he looks at it with a "Do what?" I'm handed a white pole. "This is to help you measure your tree." It comes out like, "Thas is here to hep ya murshure yur traigh."

We start up in the trees, Matthew starts with a 75 footer, "This one's perfect!" Max of course goes for the Charlie Brown tree, "I want this one." The hubby picks the first one in front of him, "This is it, I'm cutting it down."

I stop everyone, "WAIT! This is supposed to be a great experience, look at all these trees! We have to find the PERFECT one!"

All three of them sigh, follow me as I look at every tree, five minutes of looking at trees, they all yell, "I love it! It is perfect!" when I pause in front of any tree even a dead one.

I hear one of them saying, "We should have brought water and snacks, this is gonna take forever."

Finally, they can't take it anymore and make me pick a tree. The Hubby holds out the saw to the kids pointing to halfway down the tree!

"Wait a minute!  Go lower, you're leaving part of the tree!"

"Did you see the price list? It's cheaper if it's shorter! Let's cut here." Before I can argue they are sawing away. The kids each take two swipes loose interest, giving the saw to the hubby running off into the forest. He saws, takes off his jacket cause he's getting hot, continues, then asks, "Don't you want to experience this Christmas memory? My heart is racing."

Me, "Naw, your life insurance is up to date, you can do it."

We finally get the tree down, he walks next to another Dad in the farm, pulling our tree saying, "Jeez we have to do all the work AND pay for the tree!" The other Dad sighs, "I know!" Finally we take it down to Blizzard circle for tagging, my husband moaning that cutting down a tree is harder than it looks! The same guy in the Carhart says, "Why did you cut the tree down? We have chain saws?" My hubby looks at me like he's thinking of using the saw, again.

Making it back to Sugarplum Village as the hubby was not waiting on the Express again, we wander until a nice lady says, "Oh, you pay for your tree in Santa's Workshop." In Santa's workshop the nice lady informs us we have to pickup the tree, put it on our car in Blizzard Circle before we come and pay for it. Moving the truck out of Blitzen parking we get stuck again in Snowflake circle finally finding Blizzard and our tree! Riding back down Rudolph lane we are back in Santa's workshop, the hubby looking at me as they charge his credit card, "See, we saved 20 bucks cutting where we did."  "But we left a bush behind," I whisper.

Before exiting out of Santa's House of course you have to go by Santa. I'm all excited, moving to sit on Santa's lap. Poor Santa looks at my big butt and happily pats a chair next to him, "Tell me what you want for Christmas!"

We get lost on the way out, going around Snowflake Circle for the last time before finding the checkout. A very nice lady hands us a free coffee mug saying, "Come back and visit us next year!" sounding like, "Cahum baak aund visuht us nahxt year!"

Finally rolling down Rudolph Lane and exiting the Sugar Plum Christmas Farm I give my hubby the best gift for helping me make a memory!

"Let's go over to Blind Squirrel Brewery for lunch and a BEER!"

Even though our reality was different than what I pictured we still had a blast! Oh wait, I think I'm just saying that for myself!

How do you navigate Christmas tree farms?

WTF - Do you Fraser Fur?

The picture in the head is never like the actual reality is it?

This year we went on our yearly excursion for THE perfect Christmas tree. Little disclaimer to start, my husband it not the best with it comes to crowds, kids and campiness.

Enter the SugarPlum Fairy Christmas Tree Farm. (Go there, they said, you'll love it)

We pull in and are met by a very nice lady,

"Take Blitzen Way down to Comet Road then make a sharp on Snowflake circle, you can park there."

My husband looks at me, "Is that some kind of code?"

Of course he takes the wrong way through Frosty's Garden one of the guys yelling at us while pointing to Snowflake Circle.

The hubby is always the man with a plan, this time it's my turn with the plan! "We take the hayride up to the trees, pick a tree, cut it down and we're good to go!" I say excited.

He looks at his watch, "So what, fifteen minutes?"

I walk around Sugar Plum Village, into Christmas Corner and return back to the hubby with his hands on his hips, "You're late we missed the Sugar Plum Express."

Trying not to laugh, I say, "What?"

"The hayride, the hayride already left, see?" He points to the disappearing wagon. "You went past the North Pole, we are supposed to wait here. Now we have to wait for the next SugarPlum Express."

"Let me take your picture, stick your head in the snowman." Was that a smile?

We make the second hayride, and it circles all around the farm the hubby saying, "Are we back on Snowflake Lane AGAIN, we were just there. We keep circling the trees, tell them to stop and let us off!"

"Oh honey, just enjoy the experience," I say as we finally stop at the trees.

A very nice man in a Carhart suit hands my husband a saw, he looks at it with a "Do what?" I'm handed a white pole. "This is to help you measure your tree." It comes out like, "Thas is here to hep ya murshure yur traigh."

We start up in the trees, Matthew starts with a 75 footer, "This one's perfect!" Max of course goes for the Charlie Brown tree, "I want this one." The hubby picks the first one in front of him, "This is it, I'm cutting it down."

I stop everyone, "WAIT! This is supposed to be a great experience, look at all these trees! We have to find the PERFECT one!"

All three of them sigh, follow me as I look at every tree, five minutes of looking at trees, they all yell, "I love it! It is perfect!" when I pause in front of any tree even a dead one.

I hear one of them saying, "We should have brought water and snacks, this is gonna take forever."

Finally, they can't take it anymore and make me pick a tree. The Hubby holds out the saw to the kids pointing to halfway down the tree!

"Wait a minute!  Go lower, you're leaving part of the tree!"

"Did you see the price list? It's cheaper if it's shorter! Let's cut here." Before I can argue they are sawing away. The kids each take two swipes loose interest, giving the saw to the hubby running off into the forest. He saws, takes off his jacket cause he's getting hot, continues, then asks, "Don't you want to experience this Christmas memory? My heart is racing."

Me, "Naw, your life insurance is up to date, you can do it."

We finally get the tree down, he walks next to another Dad in the farm, pulling our tree saying, "Jeez we have to do all the work AND pay for the tree!" The other Dad sighs, "I know!" Finally we take it down to Blizzard circle for tagging, my husband moaning that cutting down a tree is harder than it looks! The same guy in the Carhart says, "Why did you cut the tree down? We have chain saws?" My hubby looks at me like he's thinking of using the saw, again.

Making it back to Sugarplum Village as the hubby was not waiting on the Express again, we wander until a nice lady says, "Oh, you pay for your tree in Santa's Workshop." In Santa's workshop the nice lady informs us we have to pickup the tree, put it on our car in Blizzard Circle before we come and pay for it. Moving the truck out of Blitzen parking we get stuck again in Snowflake circle finally finding Blizzard and our tree! Riding back down Rudolph lane we are back in Santa's workshop, the hubby looking at me as they charge his credit card, "See, we saved 20 bucks cutting where we did."  "But we left a bush behind," I whisper.

Before exiting out of Santa's House of course you have to go by Santa. I'm all excited, moving to sit on Santa's lap. Poor Santa looks at my big butt and happily pats a chair next to him, "Tell me what you want for Christmas!"

We get lost on the way out, going around Snowflake Circle for the last time before finding the checkout. A very nice lady hands us a free coffee mug saying, "Come back and visit us next year!" sounding like, "Cahum baak aund visuht us nahxt year!"

Finally rolling down Rudolph Lane and exiting the Sugar Plum Christmas Farm I give my hubby the best gift for helping me make a memory!

"Let's go over to Blind Squirrel Brewery for lunch and a BEER!"

Even though our reality was different than what I pictured we still had a blast! Oh wait, I think I'm just saying that for myself!

How do you navigate Christmas tree farms?