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Thursday, July 26, 2018

WTF - I've got the key, wish it were rollerskates

Just as I paid off the first child's braces journey, today was the day the second child, and my wallet starts the braces journey. I honestly there is no difference between a torture chamber master and an orthodontist. Seriously, I know the orthodontist tries to makes everything sound routine but he really does sound like a medieval torture

According to the Internet (we all know this is true) a torture chamber is a place where torture is inflicted. A Orthodontist office is a place where torture is inflicted. See?

Tell me the difference.

"So what we are going to do here is make a small opening in the roof of his mouth. Then we'll attach a chain to the tooth and slowly pull it out and down to an opening made with the braces."

"We're going to put you in this metal cage and hang you comfortably from the rafters of the castle."

I'm not sure which one sounds better. My son looked at me in horror as the Orthodontist showed us this really cool video of the chain pulling his tooth out. Luckily we had to pull three baby teeth and the tooth came in where is supposed to go! THANK GOD!

Now I'm entering the world of the second child. A different method:

"We're going to lay you here on the long wooden bed, attach these metal brackets to your ankles and wrists. Once everything is attached we are going to turn this wheel slowly stretching everything."

"We are putting this metal device in your mouth. This tiny key is inserted into the hole cranked once every other day, stretching the bone and letting is slowly fill in."

Where's the difference? Oh, the Orthodontist says all this with a great smile and gentle tone.

My second son and I watch the recommended video of the palate expander, he looks over to me. "I've heard of a lot kids getting through this, it's not going to be that bad."

Palate expander goes in, technician shows me how I turn the key. There's a tiny hole that no one can see in the middle, a small metal stick that no one can see either miraculously fits in that tiny hole, you turn the key one turn then you're done for the day!

It's my turn, I'm thinking (turn the wheel here, stretch them a little further) I look in the mouth and can't even see the hole for the key. I thought there would be a REAL key! The key is a small metal stick, luckily attached to a bright blue pole for idiots like me that can't see a thing. I put on my glasses and look in there again, ah there's the hole. I'm trying to stick the key in the hole, until I put the flashlight on my phone and find it.

"There! I've turned it."

"You turn it the other way, not clockwise, bring it down toward the back of his mouth." She says.

I look in there again, and after some real awkward movements, I've turned the key!

"Good luck," she says as we leave the office.

At home, we set our alarms for when to turn the key as I keep telling myself, "This is only three months. I can do this for three months. Everyone else survived it."

Day one of the key comes. Son comes up to remind and my first thought is, "Oh shit, where did I put the key?"

He lies on the couch as I stab his tongue twice locating the hole again. Two more side stabs until I get the key in the hole, we're both sweating. Finally with one turn, we are done for the rest of the day!

"That wasn't so bad?" I say picturing the Rack from my search of torture devices.

47 left to go.

Can't wait to see what's next.

Where is that damn key?

Thursday, July 12, 2018

WTF - What's In Your Junk Drawer

Everyone has it. I'm not talking about cooties, I'm talking about the

dreaded junk drawer.

That place you throw everything that doesn't have a designated spot in your kitchen.

The black hole that fills,

and fills

and fills

until you can't shut it and it's time to clean it out.

I tell my boys, "Today's the day I'm cleaning out the junk drawer!"
They reply, "Which one?"

I have to do this alone because it's like my husband's box of wires and plugs. "Oh, we can't throw that out, you never knew when we may find a VHS without a plug." and "No, we can't throw that one out you still have your Suzie Homemaker Oven don't you?"

My children and their friends call the drawer the "treasure box" when they are bored they love going through the junk drawers looking for treasure. One actually found 5 dollars in MY drawer claiming finder keepers.  Honestly if you have bored teenagers, get out the junk drawer!

Junk drawers are full of memories you find around the house but can't throw out.

"Oh look it's the broken piece from Max's stick of awe. The one he made in 5th grade. I can't throw that out!"


"Is that one of Max's baby teeth?"

There are also memories you can't remember:

"Anyone know what this key belongs to?"
Hubby, "Don't throw that out, you never know when we may have to unlock something."

After three hard pulls I finally get the drawer out, sitting on the kitchen table ready to go down this rabbit hole.

Batteries I'm pretty sure are dead, as my kids change batteries and throw the old ones back in the drawer.

Too many Post It Notes to count (Am I THAT forgetful?)

What's this? Snake in a can? Ahhh, sitting next to the fake poop.

Invisible Ink Pens - ahhh boys.

A number candle from someone's 3rd birthday
Enough soy sauce, mayonnaise, mustard, duck sauce packets for the apocalypse
Chop sticks
4 pairs of sunglasses
Sharpies, highlighters, glue sticks
A handcuff key?
Body Glide for Her - yeah thick thigh problem
Hand warmers
Way too many lip balms
A staple puller
A stapler with no staples
ONE domino
Pieces to a watch
several random cards
a test tube
A water syringe (don't ask)
Screws to something, I'll just wait for it to fall apart to realize.

Then finally underneath it all is the junk drawer organizer with a

A wine bottle stopper?


Something to throw away!

I did find something cool I'd forgotten about.

A Cat PEN!

You're welcome!

Friday, July 6, 2018


As all know, it is the week of 4th of July, and that means lots of tourist up in our community! Summer season is in high gear and Since I just got my car back from the body shop, (not my fault this time, thank God!)  I thought I would share safe driving tips for Beech Mountain!

Every corner is a blind spot, you cannot see deer, bicyclist, lady walking her dog in a stroller, or even the errant skunk around those corners. I've told my son to stick to the main roads during tourist season and take the back roads if needed.

Tailgating can be hazardous to your health as most tourists will stop on a dime if they spot a baby deer or bear having a buffet with some restaurant's trash.

High beams help with night driving, but make sure you turn them off on the turns of Beech Mountain or at the approach of any car, this can be blinding to other drivers.

Remember everyone else is driving distracted. Momma is putting on her makeup while Dad is pointing out the deer to brother and sister fighting in the back seat. Dad throws on the brakes not to look at the deer but to turn around and slap anyone in the back seat. Keep your wits about you and your cellphone in the back seat.

Everyone up here assume the yellow lines in the road are a suggestion because we have narrow roads. If you are going around a corner stick to your side of the road, otherwise do whatever you want. This is how my car got hit, going around a corner and the dude was in the middle of the road on the other side. 

Going up the mountain doesn't mean 2 MPH, going down put your car in manual gear and use a lower gear for braking rather than your brakes. Your brakes will thank you and all the people behind you smelling burning brakes will also.

It is not necessary to use your turn signal on every switch back on the mountain, we are following you, we know where you are going.

Stop signs up here are not suggestions. Usually there is some type of blind spot. If there is, inch a little out and if someone from FLA is there, you'll hear them. (They love their horns)

How to be a courteous driver on Beech Mountain:

There is no leash law on Beech Mountain, that does not mean the dogs are homeless. Some dogs like to roam a little before traveling back home. If you are unsure about a found dog take it over to the police department. Do not take the dog back with you to Miami then call the owner. (Yes, this actually happened. My dog ended up in Banner Elk)

If you are on a gravel road and someone is walking, slow down so you don't kick up as much dust. Our wonderful mail men, stop until you pass by keeping down the dust inhalation.

Stick with the speed limit and limit Tokyo Drifting around the corners. Along with the possibility of running off the road because the opposite driver was in the middle of the road around a corner.

Just because it is summer, that doesn't mean you let your gas tank run low. There are no gas stations on Beech Mountain, and hoping you can drift down the mountain for gas seldom works.

If someone is waving to you as you drive a back road, they are not saying hello. They are showing you they are there. Or, they are asking you to slow down for a deer, dog or skunk about to spray. I had someone waving to me on one back road, I stopped and said, "Are you all right?"

"SLOW DOWN!" They yelled back.

If you are a visitor and traveling off the mountain, and a car with a NC plate comes up behind you hot, this is usually a local trying to get kids to school, off to job, or off to the hospital. If you want to take your time and not have them breathing down your throat, move to the side on a switch back. If they are not yelling at their children, they'll probably hang out the window and yell THANKS!

Some people like to walk their dogs with their car.  No kidding, I've seen a dog run past my house on the road with the owner following behind in the car. 

Better yet, park the car in the driveway and simply relax and enjoy the beauty that is Beech Mountain. Or as most of our tourists yell, "SLOW DOWN!"