WTF - Overheard At The Doctors

Wait a minute, is that a tickle in my throat? No, it feels like a sore throat. Let me go check WebMD

Could I have strep throat? Is it contagious?

 My quick visit to a Minute Clinic for antibiotics should be uneventful, right?

Wrong.

Sometimes you can't make this shit up, seriously.

Two women sitting in the far corner, I figure they are the safe spot because most of the other people in the clinic are wearing white masks which scares the hell out of me. I mean I could be contagious with strep throat, but what the hell do they have. I take a spot next to them.

Let's just call them 1 and 2, 1 being the person who is sick.

2: "You've got to fill out this paperwork", she says looking at the clipboard.

1. "I can't fill it out because my hand hurts from falling off the 4 wheeler, can you?" She holds up a perfectly good hand.

2:  "Sure, OK, do you have insurance?" She is looking up from the clipboard, pen poised.

1: "Of course I do, I'm on (insert what you will here, TenCare, Medicaid, Medicare, Uncle Cecil's Company policy)"

2: "Good, because it may take longer if you don't have insurance," she replies looking down.

(What may take longer? less paper work, or paying the bill because believe me, I've been there.)

2: "There's a space here for what's wrong with you. It says, what are your symptoms? Your hand hurts right?"

1: Nodding, "Yes, my hand hurts, I've got chills, a headache and white spots down there."

(At this point I have to physically control my head from swiveling over to the two of them with a "WHAT?")

2.  Looking up from the clipboard, "Do what?"  (Honey, I am right there with you.)

1: She points down to the seat of her chair, "You know, down there, the hootchie."

2:  Looking up from the clipboard, "You want me to write that down? You have white spots there, wait a minute, how do you know you have white spots in your hootchie?"

(My question exactly, the last time I checked it was pretty damn difficult looking down there.)

1:  Looking at her friend like she was crazy, "Because I have a picture of them." (Said in the tone that implied it should be followed by a "you dumb ass.")

2:  She is looking at her friend, "You have a picture of what?" (I'm in hook line and sinker, as a writer I gotta see how this story ends.)

1:  Another sigh, "I don't have the picture Carl took it with his phone."

(Another pause for me. Carl? Who is Carl? And where is his phone? And what is he going to do with the picture?)

2:  She nods, she must know Carl, he must be trustworthy with a picture of #1's crotch, "Oh OK, have Carl text you the picture in case the doc needs to see it." (This is making total sense to me.)

1:  Looking at her phone, "Do you think they'll write me a note, I'm gonna be late to my shift at Taco Johns." (Of course.)

2: Signing #1's name to all the paperwork, "Sure that's what doctors do, they give you medicine and write you notes."  (They forgot the "they send you bills" but maybe their insurance isn't like my insurance.)

Folks, seriously, you can't make this shit up.  Darwin is definitely at work here.

WTF - Where's The F*cking Manual

Guys, I think I need to break up with a few appliances. Cue Bad Romance right here.

New Appliances remind me of bad romances.

Start off all shiny and new, you are excited seeing them every day.

Then you fall into a routine, and when you see them you sigh.

Then they become the has been, looking like a used whore in the kitchen with old lipstick, rust in a few places, the novelty worn off as they take up space.

It started with the Mixer making an appearance in the house.

But wait, who needs a stand up mixer when you have a hand mixer, right?

We all oohed and ahhed over the appliance as it basked in the glory of newness.

"You just wait," said the dishwasher, the broken handle duct taped.

"They'll forget about you too," said the apple peeler from the back of the bottom cabinet.

"You give them everything then they betray you with something new," said the Parmesan Cheese shredder.

"At least I'm still considered useful," said the refrigerator.

Romances need a lot of communication, key to making things last.

Want to know the reason we break up with new appliances so easily?

I pull everything out of the box, I put it together winging it along figuring, this fits here, so obviously it goes there.

Holding one extra piece, I start looking for a manual.

Finally, I find it, looking at a few pictures on what the mixer should look like,

My mixer doesn't look anything like the pictures.

I must have screwed something up, going back to the piece of paper, I turn it over.

"For instruction manual, visit our website."

Translated, this mean, "We don't want to kill trees for something you'll lose anyway, so either Google that shit or go to our website."

I look back to the mixer, "I can figure this out, I'm pretty smart."

And that is why the mixer sat on the counter, moving quicker than the dishwasher or apple peeler from new shiny fun romance to "has been" in the matter of a week.

But wait, this romance has a happy ending!

The hubby, not a rocket scientist but pretty close, asked, "How's the mixer working out, are you making bread yet?"

I look at it, "We're separated right now, I can't figure it out."

He does the right thing, looks at it, Googles that shit and has it all together!  "Why not give it a try?"

I look at the mixer, wondering why I wanted to dump it, it's so shiny and new!

"Yeah, let's give this relationship another try," I say pulling out flour.

"Not fair," says the dishwasher, "All I need is a screw in my handle."

"At least they see you, I'm hidden so far in the back of the cabinet, they'll find me again when they move," says the apple peeler.

"I'm just going to sit here and cry," wails the Parmesan grater.

"At least I am still useful," sighs the refrigerator and I reach in for butter.

WTF - Uh Oh, He's walking toward me!

Oh no, he's coming toward me!

Living in a small community means rules are slightly different. We've already learned how quickly word travels around this town, pleasantly surprised when the trash truck stops and asks if you need help when you're stopped in the 20 yard area on the mountain where you actually get a signal.

Small town means small get togethers meaning rewriting the etiquette when it comes to a party.

On this mountain we have what's called "Touchers," "Kissers" and "Huggers.


No I am not talking about the National Pedophile database, I'm talking about the way we great each other at get togethers. Knowing everyone in your inner circle means you should remember what
 to expect.

The "Toucher" simply touches your shoulder. We call them "drive bys" the makes you think they are buying you another drink,  30 minutes later you realize it was a goodbye.

The Kisser is the person that leans forward like the Toucher, but always includes some type of kiss - juicy, dry, peck or "was that tongue?" type of kiss.  You have to be careful about the Kisser, know whether they are a right or left kisser because if you aim for the wrong side you'll end up with a little French action you didn't anticipate.

The Hugger is the most benign, a quick hug. Where the Hugger gets complicated is when the hug lasts a little too long, what is deemed inappropriate? Sure, I know the hug with the hands on your ass is considered inappropriate or if they snap your bra in the process. Remember huggers sometimes need that reminder, from a slight pull away to a kick in the balls to, LET GO."

So I'm at a local establishment, enjoying a tasty beverage and some live music when I spy him from across the room. He already smiling at me moving through the crowd,  I try to remember, is he a "Kisser" "Hugger" or just a "Shoulder?"

I'm thinking Fran Tarkenton would be a good announcer for this move........

"Well Chris looks like he's planning a running move. He's fading back before charging forward. He cleared several blockers, a quick spin move to the right and Chris, he may break free.  Yes, he's free his arms are coming up. Look she's dropping back anticipating the pass!. She's looking a little awkward, her arms are shoulder height, is she in Hug Mode, or blocking him with a Touch Mode? Ohhhh, contact is made!

A combination of Kiss and Hug!

Gentleman I think he's close to the finish line. No! She backed off and moved to just Touch Mode. Chris, I think we'll need instant replay to see if any illegal contact was made."

So when invited to the small intimate party on the mountain keep a cue card in your pocket listing names and types.

Never underestimate the audacity of a Kisser and never ever, lose sight of the Hugger.

Coming up, Huggers, Kissers and Touchers are totally different animals when it comes to the extra padding of ski clothes!

WTF - Timber, There Goes My Manhood

I'm lost in Walmart and can't get out!

Since when have we created an entire aisle in Walmart dedicated to "manly" beauty products.


Can you smell them? Who wants to smell manly?

Men?

Entire collections of shampoo with names marketers thought sounded manly.

ManlyMan
Manful
YouHaveBalls
NotYourWifes


Some product names making sense, like
Hydrate for Men
Odor Guard

Others, I'm not so sure:
Whatever Messy - I thought pomade made your hair non messy?
Phoenix - Is this made in Phoenix?
Dark Temptation - what does this mean? Will you be tempted to use too much body spray?

Packed full of scent, when we open the bottle the scent of manliness makes all of us want to hitch our pants, add a straw of wheat between our teeth and go ride a bucking bronco.

There's men's shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wash and yes, lotion.

What happened to the unscented bar of soap?

"What's this in our shower?" The hubby asks walking out of the bathroom holding up a red bottle.
"Oh that's your body wash," I reply not looking up.
"My body wash? Timber? What happened to a good old bar of soap?"

The boys explain, "Dad it is a Man's Wash, see it says FOR MEN."
He looked at the bottle, "Since when do I shower in Timber, what does that mean?"

"Oh they come up with different scents, we like this one," the younger child replies.

I look up from my book, "Believe me, I spent 20 minutes in Walmart smelling all the different scents before they finally agreed to Timber over the Wolftorn and Hawthorne."

The youngest continues his explanation, "They have different combinations, this one smells good with the shampoo and conditioner."

"Shampoo and Conditioner?" He asks looking over at me.

"Yes, we bought the Antarctic Shampoo and the Timber Conditioner, so you smell good." The child replies like my hubby needed this education.

He shakes his head, "All I need is a bar of soap for my body and my hair, I don't need all this fancy stuff."

"Don't forget your cologne when you are done," they yell after him as he disappears into the shower.

"Over my dead man bag," he replies.

He has decided face lotion is a possibility because well, when you get older there are quite a few more lines and he read face lotion hides a few of them.  Since I haven't bought a "manly" face lotion for him yet, he's stuck with mine.

"Is this the one?" He asks holding up a generic looking white bottle.

"No, that's for your hands," I reply.

"But it says lotion," he asks looking at the bottle.

"Yes, it is lotion, but it is HAND lotion. This one is your full body lotion," I say.

"So use that one?" He asks.

"No this is full body lotion, but don't use it on your face, here is the face lotion. See, it says FACE on it," I hand him the bottle.

He shakes his head, "Maybe we need a Timber version of face lotion, so I'll know what bottle to use."

WTF - The Perfect Wedding Day

Today is my anniversary, I'm losing count on the years and the hubby and I even argue on the exact day, pulling out the invitation yearly as we discuss who was right.  I thought I would share with you the perfect wedding day.


In my mind, I saw a beautiful wedding, me as the bride looking radiant of course, creating the perfect picture in the back of St. Mary's church watching my bridesmaids walking down the aisle, the gorgeous little flower girl and ring bearer before I walked down.

What happened:

The music started, everything was going as I pictured, the bridesmaids walking out one by one. I picked up the antique ring pillow of Bill and Peggy Melang's, handed it to my 4 year old ring bearer, "OK Christopher, it's just like we practiced, are you ready?"

He looked at me with big eyes, "Aunt Kelly, I don't want to carry that thang." (Southern accent please)

Me, "Honey, you have to carry that thing, you are the ring bearer."

Child, "But Aunt Kelly I don't want to carry that thang!" Tears are starting now, bridesmaids are still going out the door.

OK, Plan B, I give Ring Bearer the flowers, the Flower Girl the pillow, "See Christopher you don't have to carry the pillow, you can carry the flowers."

Flower girl looks at me as tears start spitting from her eyes, "But Aunt Kelly, I wanted to be the FLOWER girl!"

OK, Plan C. I grab the pillow, rip the rings off of it, my ring disappears, all I have is ONE RING.

"Oh shit," I say knowing a bride shouldn't be cussing on her wedding day as I drop to all fours looking for my ring. My Dad is standing by the door watching me, laughing, thanks for the help Dad.

Finally after fifteen harrowing sections I find my ring, it is stuck inside Jeff's.  THANK GOD!

I grab the ring bearer and shove the rings in his pocket, "See you are the RING BEARER now!"

I hand the flower girl the flowers, "And you are the FLOWER GIRL!  NOW GO!"

Everyone is mouthing at me as I walk down the aisle, "Where are the rings? Where are the rings?"

I mouth back, "They're in his pocket."

The best man grabs the ring bearer digging in his pocket for the rings, of course the child shouts out, "DON'T TAKE MY 50 CENTS!" as we hear quarters jiggle in his pocket.

So, just like everything in life, I learned the first lesson of marriage on my wedding day.

Life is all about Plan B because we all know A never works.


Oh, did I mention the phone call from my father the next morning, "Honey, we have a small problem. I seem to have misplaced your wedding dress. I put it on top of my car when I left the hotel and drove  off."

"WHAT????" I'm picturing some hooker in downtown Baltimore running around in my wedding dress.

Luckily it was found and stuffed in a broom closet.

Happy Anniversary to Us, here's to all the Plans past A because B-Z are always much more fun!

WTF - Did You Hear Me?

 "selective hearing," definition please,

"characterized as the action in which people focus their attention on a specific source of a sound or spoken words." (definition found Here)

Did you hear me?

My family defines this abrupt loss of hearing is a medical condition, 

"MomSaidWhatitis" 

Hearing diminishes when they hear things like,

"Can you turn that music down?"
"I've got extra strawberries, want them?" (Did you read about my strawberry addiction? Click here)
"Time to clean your room."
"Stop hitting your brother."
"Did someone spend $5 on an online game?"

Hearing is restored or miraculously healed when I say, 

"Dinner's ready."
"What happened to all the Rice Krispy Treats, there's only one left!" (At which point some type of Who Concert style stampede erupts until one gets to the last treat!)
"I'm hitting the grocery store, do you want anything?"
"Did I give you your allowance?"

Some scientists state MomSaidWhatitis is directly related to the sensitive nerve endings of the family's ears. The tone of voice can determine how much of the sound they can hear, some explaining it is like dog whistles.

Some tones, even spoke low enough for the dog's ears perking can reach a child. Specifically the rustling of the cookie bag.

Higher tones, pass through those nerve endings without touching specifically the tone used when saying, "Get over here right this minute."

Scientists also say that sometimes MomSaidWhatitis can worsen if other senses are involved, hearing loss can be aggravated by,

The smell of dog shit causing them to not hear, "Can someone come clean this up?"
The smell of fresh produce, causing them to not hear, "Can someone help me with the groceries?"
The smell of blood, causing them to not hear, "Leave your brother alone.

In order to help a family member with MomSaidWhatitis you can enhance their hearing process with a few things:

Food, scientists say holding food while speaking to the patient gives you a better chance of increased hearing.
Candy is directly related to full hearing mode, unfortunately once the candy is gone their hearing loss tends to worsen.
Electronics heighten hearing if the speaker holds them directly in front of the patient while speaking, like acting like you are talking on the phone.

Scientists investigated the possibility of womens' hearing loss is worse than mens' but determined their condition is a different condition, called ImBusyitis.

Hearing loss usually occurs during multitasking for women.

For instance, hear loss is incurred when spoken to while music is blaring or,
running a vacuum or drying hair.

It is easy to heighten a women's hearing, simply hold wine or chocolate and she can hear distinctly what you are saying. Science cannot determine why this is the case but a full laundry basket can cripple a women's hearing.

Finally, there is a direct relation to hearing and speaking.

Scientists determined women talk more than men because of the above conditions, they  repeat themselves over and over again.

Does your family suffer from these conditions?

WTF - Is It Game On? The Gimme List

So Brad and Angelina are now getting divorced.

Oh please, you know exactly who I am talking about.

Tomb Raider and Legend of the Fall.

I know, ya'll said, "OHHHHHHHHHH"

All you single women out there, go ahead and breath your collective sigh of relief. (Or better yet feel better, even Brad Pitt can get dumped)  Then make sure you haven't blocked Brad's number on your phone when he calls.

You have him on your list, right?

The "Gimme" list, right?

That Celebrity list created with your sweet other half,

 where if let's say Brad Pitt or Liam Neesom shows up at your door asking you go to on a exotic vacation and you,

Look at your family fighting with each other,

Look down at the yoga pants you've worn for "I have no idea how many days,".

Someone is in mid fart looking at you saying, "What?"

Then your friends start texting:

Did I just see "hunkedy Hunk Hunk's" at your door?

Why has 15 seconds gone by and you are not sprinting for the car?

Are you having your way with him in your house before you go?

Did he really have a glass slipper that fits you?

Does he have a brother?

I'm packing my bag right now.

Then we all slip back into reality.

From the "Gimme List" to the "To Do List" -  laundry from last month begging to be folded or thrown back into the washing machine because it is "footed."

Or in my case, back to the sexy hunk of man I call my own, who's right there at the top of my "Gimme" list. (Am I buttering you up, honey?)

Wait, my phone is ringing.

Is that who I think it is?