Wait a minute, is that a tickle in my throat? No, it feels like a sore throat. Let me go check WebMD
Could I have strep throat? Is it contagious?
My quick visit to a Minute Clinic for antibiotics should be uneventful, right?
Two women sitting in the far corner, I figure they are the safe spot because most of the other people in the clinic are wearing white masks which scares the hell out of me. I mean I could be contagious with strep throat, but what the hell do they have. I take a spot next to them.
Let's just call them 1 and 2, 1 being the person who is sick.
2: "You've got to fill out this paperwork", she says looking at the clipboard.
1. "I can't fill it out because my hand hurts from falling off the 4 wheeler, can you?" She holds up a perfectly good hand.
2: "Sure, OK, do you have insurance?" She is looking up from the clipboard, pen poised.
1: "Of course I do, I'm on (insert what you will here, TenCare, Medicaid, Medicare, Uncle Cecil's Company policy)"
2: "Good, because it may take longer if you don't have insurance," she replies looking down.
(What may take longer? less paper work, or paying the bill because believe me, I've been there.)
2: "There's a space here for what's wrong with you. It says, what are your symptoms? Your hand hurts right?"
1: Nodding, "Yes, my hand hurts, I've got chills, a headache and white spots down there."
(At this point I have to physically control my head from swiveling over to the two of them with a "WHAT?")
2. Looking up from the clipboard, "Do what?" (Honey, I am right there with you.)
1: She points down to the seat of her chair, "You know, down there, the hootchie."
2: Looking up from the clipboard, "You want me to write that down? You have white spots there, wait a minute, how do you know you have white spots in your hootchie?"
(My question exactly, the last time I checked it was pretty damn difficult looking down there.)
1: Looking at her friend like she was crazy, "Because I have a picture of them." (Said in the tone that implied it should be followed by a "you dumb ass.")
2: She is looking at her friend, "You have a picture of what?" (I'm in hook line and sinker, as a writer I gotta see how this story ends.)
1: Another sigh, "I don't have the picture Carl took it with his phone."
(Another pause for me. Carl? Who is Carl? And where is his phone? And what is he going to do with the picture?)
2: She nods, she must know Carl, he must be trustworthy with a picture of #1's crotch, "Oh OK, have Carl text you the picture in case the doc needs to see it." (This is making total sense to me.)
1: Looking at her phone, "Do you think they'll write me a note, I'm gonna be late to my shift at Taco Johns." (Of course.)
2: Signing #1's name to all the paperwork, "Sure that's what doctors do, they give you medicine and write you notes." (They forgot the "they send you bills" but maybe their insurance isn't like my insurance.)
Folks, seriously, you can't make this shit up. Darwin is definitely at work here.