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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

WTF - Boobs Part Two - Mom Boobs

Disclaimer: Childbirth is a beautiful thing. If you haven't experienced this yet, you may not want to continue.

Don't say I didn't tell you.....

After the training bras, into the real bras, then onto the sports bras, right?

Everything was going just fine until I moved into Mom boobs. This is the point in life where your boobs become foreign objects, they don't belong to you anymore.

It starts with pregnancy, I'm not sure how anyone could not know they are pregnant because your boobs blow up to the size of footballs and hurt even worse.

Your husband follows you around the house, hands out and you just say, "If you even think of touching these things I will KILL you."

Your beautiful lacy training bras move into maternity bras, large cups of brushed metal along with a series of pulleys and ropes helping hold everything in place. But later in the pregnancy it becomes more comfortable because your belly creates a nice shelf for the footballs.

Wolfgang Circa 2001
Then the baby comes and you're introduced to the "Boob Nazi" ( as my husband called her) in the hospital. I'm trying to be all sweet with the baby, figuring this thing out. She walks in grabs my boob, shoves the baby's face on it saying, "See, it's easy." Both my husband and I stared at her, scared.

But she helps me get the job done until I get home and as mother's know, the milk comes in.

I thought my boobs were big with pregnancy, oh shit, wait until you're ready to nurse. The baby is screaming, I'm trying to find a tic tac on a football, my sweet husband is following me around the house reading me passages out of the book "Breastfeeding with Love."

I stop and look at him saying, "If you don't stop reading that book, I'm shoving it up your ass."

We go back to the Boob Nazi and she tells me I have to be confident. Confident about what? She grabs my boob again (I'm getting used to this, my boobs aren't my own anymore) and slams the baby on it. See, no problem.

The beginning is not pleasant but your body gets used to it, my husband came home from work as I walking around the house with no top on. His eyebrows go up, I say, "No it's not for you. It just feels so much better just airing them out." (them? right, they're foreign objects now) Poor husbands, they go through all this and still chase us around the couch later on!

Did I mention nursing bras have more ropes and pulleys, along with a nice padding system to them?

When we both finally decide we've had enough of this nursing thing, then comes the waiting for everything to go away stage. Footballs turn into basketballs and the poor hubby can't touch anything! I finished this cycle going to the grocery store for cabbage, someone told me putting cabbage leaves on your boobs helps hurry the end of nursing along. I don't think that cashier ever forgot me.

Dolly Parton buying 4 heads of cabbage with cash. The poor boy couldn't look at my face and dropped my change at least three times (I think the last time was on purpose.)

Then they become the banana boobs, but don't worry there's a bra for that. This one involves velcro, rubber bands, and spandex.

That's where the boob surprises start,

I've found food in my bra, a forgotten pacifier, a matchbox car and of course lots of throw up!

Do you remember the good old "Mom Boob" Days? Or better yet, what have you found in your bra?

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