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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

WTF - Think You're Cut Out For Boys?

Think you are cut out for Boys? Take this quiz:

1. First thing in the morning I love the smell of?
a. Coffee
b. Toasted Bread
c. A fart that will not go away
d. Smelly feet 

2. I love it when my child makes me:
a. Breakfast in Bed
b. A Detailed Art Project
c. Not lose my mind
d. Their personal Jungle Gym

3. Laundry consists of:
a. Sorting clothes so everything doesn't turn pink
b. Air drying most of the laundry 
c. Sorting by degree of wetness and where the moisture came from
d. Holding your breath and emptying all pockets of live animals

3. My Favorite Meal consists of:
a. Something beautifully arranged on the plate with a flower
b. Something out of the Easy Bake Oven
c. Something edible
d. Something not from the back yard

4. It is not uncommon for you to say:
a. Yes, that tiara works perfectly with your Pink dress
b. Let's go get pedis
c. Please don't lick that frog
d. We don't need to see that in public.

5. You are not surprised if your purse contains:
a. Elsa panties with a smashed up fruit bar
b. A Magic Wand
c. Dinosaur stickers on your tampons
d. A cheese stick from God Knows when.

6. When it comes to Jokes, I am Master of:
a. Fairy Jokes
b. Unicorn Jokes
c. Poop Jokes
d. Fart Jokes

7. In my house I like everything,
a. In order, I hate chaos
b. Slightly messy but I can still have people over
c. In the general area, I can still have people over if they like Mac N Cheese
d. I'm OK with relocating everything nice into a storage container for the time being.

8. My Bathroom is....
a. part dressing room, part spa
b. The place for "me" time including candles and bubble bath
c. The perfect place for the morning paper or Youtube videos
d. Awesome after a 45 minute HOT shower

9. I can clean up:
a. nail polish
b. lipstick stains
c. Blood and dirt
d. A toilet with unknown stains

10. A Cup is:
a. Something for your morning tea
b. A measuring device
c. A place to hide the glass of wine I'm drinking
d. The thing you frantically search for at the beginning of baseball games.

Take the quiz and if you answer A or B for most of the questions, you are definitely perfect for girls. You understand taking all the tags out of clothing because it doesn't feel right, or not wearing the snow pants because there's a tiny rip in the knee.  If you answered C or D the majority of the time, you're ready for boys, learning phrases like, "We don't need to see that in public," or slapping a piece of duck tape on the tiny rip and sending them out the door.

Either way, children are a gift, they keep on giving.

Hold on, it's quiet downstairs, I gotta go see what they are doing.

 

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

WTF - Why yes, I am part of the event

Last road trip of the summer season, this time it's to Seven Springs Resort for Downhill Mountain Biking.  Big shout out to my sister for letting us crash at her place in Deep Creek, MD.

So I'm dropping kids off to ride, then killing time at the resort, working and of course, writing.

I walk into the Lodge and there's a bunch of free food, stuff on tables and lots of smiling people.

Man, this place is COOL! Look at all the free activities for us people stuck waiting on people mountain biking!

I helped myself to a doughnut, some fresh strawberries, cheese and some really good coffee.

"Are you going to make some jewelry with us?" The nice lady asks.

"Make jewelry? I'm in!" I say, thinking I'll work after the jewelry making session!

I made a fine bracelet, accepted a few souvenirs from Dos Equis and had another cup of coffee.

When the boys were ready for lunch, I asked the same nice lady where we should take lunch. "Go up to the main lodge there's a buffet for everyone there."

Wow, what resort has a buffet in the middle of the week? The boys were excited all kinds of soup, salad, chicken sandwiches and a DESSERT BAR! This thing looked like something out of a cruise ship and only $12.95/per person.  What a deal! Of course, Max ate 2.00 worth of good food them $26.78 dollars worth of dessert.

When they went back out biking, I walked back over to the Lodge to the pleasant surprise of an ice cream social! How amazing. I'm sitting at a table making new friends when someone asks me,

"So how are you enjoying our Sheetz Employee Appreciation Week?"

I look around, and everyone is wearing lanyards that say SheetzFest on them.

Oops.

"This is awesome," I say, because it's true!

"Are you coming to the wine tasting and karaoke?"  They ask.

I think about it for a second, "Why yes, I am!"

Reminds me of a story of my Dad who took us to this posh buffet, finding out we're waiting an hour for a table.

A hostess walks up to us saying, "Are you the Sherman family?"

My Dad looks at us kids saying, "Why yes, we are."

Later someone walks up to the table as our drinks are served asking, "Are you the Sherman family?"

My Dad looks at him saying, "Who? Never heard of them."

I can't wait to see what snacks they have after lunch!

Post Script: I ran into several Sheetz employees asking me where they go for lunch, of course I knew the directions!

Sunday, August 13, 2017

WTF - I'm Gonna Be Rich

If you haven't heard of all my great uses for the TaTa Towel,


The TaTa Towel is the perfect way to combat Boob Sweat, a towel that wraps around your neck, grabs and holds the girls tight wisking away all that sweat.

Then, I thought.....


Why just the girls? Don't the guys have the same problem?

So I'm patenting my new invention, the yin to the yang of sweat, the slot for inserting the tab.

The Ball Sack!

I've already got the infomercial in my mind!

"Gentleman, do you get jealous watching your lady walk around in the TaTa Towel? Thinking it's not fair, her girls are all cool and dry while your guys swim in moisture?

We've got you covered!

The Ball Sack!

The Ball Sack is made of 100% organic terry cloth with handmade elastic. You slip the Ball Sack over your best friend, cradle the boys in their own terry cups and never worry about Ball Sweat again!

Just out of the shower and the bathrooms still a little too steamy for your boys? Slip on the Ball Sack and continue on your morning ritual.

Taking too long on the toilet? Or doing your morning "reading" the Ball Sack holds them in place for you! No more dipping!

Entertaining your girl on a hot summer evening? Keep both of you moisture free with the Ball Sack!

Heading to the BBQ and worried about embarrassing Ball Sweat? We've got you covered! Ball Sacks come in the "Just Vent the boys" terry cloth, the "I'm keeping them cool in my jeans" Moisture wicking AND the "Cold Winter Day" Sasquatch Hair!

The Ball Sack comes in three different sizes:
The Mini Sack for youngsters and visits to the pool.
The Medium Sack for most men.
The Gargantuan Sack for well, you know who you are.

Use our custom sizing chart, simply put the boys on the chart and determine just the right amount of elastic to keep them in place.

The Ball Sack has you covered for every occasion, visit our website for our custom Christmas, Bachelor Party AND Wedding Night Ball Sacks! You won't be disappointed."

The Ball Sack comes with a money back guarantee! Return any ball sack that sags, is too tight or just doesn't feel right! We want your boys to be satisfied!

My Infomercial finishes with Daryl hanging out in the bathroom after a particularly HOT shower.

"Edna! Where's my Ball Sack!"

Edna comes walking through the house, completely comfortable in her TaTa Towel carrying Daryl's Ball Sack.

"Don't worry honey, I'm holding your Ball Sack, and it's CLEAN!"

What do you think? Want to become one of my investors?

Thursday, August 10, 2017

WTF - TaTa Towel

Well hello there girls, there's a new thing for you! It's the TaTa Towel, a welcome advantage to boob sweat!  Sounds exciting, right?

My first thought on this towel is that it is perfect, if you have big boobs that is. There's elastic to wrap around your girls, the towel raps around your neck and not only are they supported, but they stay dry as well.  But, you have to have boobs.  This is for TATAs if you have small Tits, it may not work. The best part of this is if your boob sweat runs down between your girls, just push them together and you're dry as a bone!

The ad says this is perfect for getting ready in the morning, wrap the girls in a towel and go about your morning routine. I'd love to see my boys faces as I serve breakfast in my TaTa Towel, or go out and get the mail, even take in my morning yoga! Carpool on a hot summer day with the TaTa Towel guarantees the children exiting the car quickly and completely, saving me time!

The next picture is of a woman out in her garden watering her flowers not worrying about boob sweat with her TaTa Towel.

So I'm supposed to just wear this, nothing else? Of course, I understand I need pants, but according to the ad, the TaTa Towel is enough. Go ahead and walk around towel, your girls will love the fresh air. Hit the slopes on a warm winter day in your TaTa Towel, if you get sweaty, you have a towel?

Or just lounge around the house, watch a movie with the kids, the girls safe and sound in their TaTa Towel, eat some popcorn and this time when you drop it, it doesn't get stuck in your bra because with the TaTa Towel there is no bra!

Heading to the summer BBQ on a hot day? Put your TaTa Towel in the cooler with your beers and when the boob sweat becomes unbearable, excuse yourself and put on your ultra cool TaTa Towel. If you dribble a little salsa down the front, the napkin is already provided, especially if your girls are big enough you can maneuver them around and wipe your mouth.

Thinking about a Hot Yoga Class, then the TaTa Towel is for your girls! Downward facing dog as the girls fall forward wiping the sweat off your forehead before you move to plank!

Better yet, if you get romantic with your one and only, there's always a towel available with the TaTa Towel! Throw it beside the bed in case you need it later, or better yet wear it and if your partner gets sweaty you have a towel!

Order your TaTa Towel today, grab your bedazzler and add a little bling to your girls! Or perhaps just a single jewel?

I'm ordering my TaTa Towels in bright red, a tie dyed, and of course Kelly Green. I hope one of them comes with a pocket because where am I going to put my lipstick, money, and phone when I got into town?

Is yourTaTa Towel your "breast" friend?


Tuesday, August 8, 2017

WTF - A Beginners Guide to Getting A Cricket Out of Your Bathroom

Good morning! I thought I'd share my morning with you.

Crickets in the mountains are not cute little things, they resemble large spiders and jump over 10 feet!  OK, it's half a foot but when it's coming for you it feels like 10 feet! Seriously these bugs could have their own habitat if it wasn't my bathroom.  They are ninja bugs, I have no idea how they get into the bathroom!

Your Guide To Getting A Cricket Out Of Your Bathroom In 11 Easy Steps:

Step One - Go into bathroom, get undressed, run out screaming when the cricket jumps out of the bathtub as you pull the shower back. Kids are horrified.

Step Two - Stand outside the bathroom (in a towel of course!) wondering where it went.

Step Three - Peek in the bathroom looking around for the bugger.

Step Four - Locate it back in the tub, like a good tree hugger figure you can softly grab it with a tissue and let it go outside.

Step Five - Go for the cricket, scream and jump as it jumps at you and away from the tissue.

Step Six - Jump in place five times getting the nerve to go for it again.

Step  Seven - Scream and drop the towel as it lands on you. (Kids are horrified)

Step Seven - Grab the towel run and throw it out the front door, glad you live on a pretty much deserted street because today is not Naked Gardening Day.

Step Eight - Congratulate yourself on a job well done with a nice hot shower.

Step Ten - Scream as you see the next cricket hanging on the wall of the shower for dear life. Tell it politely to please stay there as you take the quickest shower of your life.

Step Eleven - Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Better yet, burn the house down and just keep walking.

How do you get spiders or crickets out of your bathroom?


Sunday, August 6, 2017

WTF - White Water Rafting

Go White Water Rafting, they said.
It will be fun, they said.

And it was!

Every year my sister comes to visit and we do one big trip with the kids, this year it was White Water Rafting. I chose Edge of the World Outfitters for this year's ride.

As usual one person has to take charge and everyone looks at me. Am I the only one that reads websites?

You need shoes that will stay on your feet and can get wet. No flip flops (moan from boys)
Nothing of value goes on the trip, this includes cell phones (Big moan from the boys)
Sunscreen
Towels for the end and possible change of clothes.

Everyone was nervous and they fitted us for life jackets telling us they stay on the entire trip. I joked about not needing a lifejacket because I already have two floatation devices. (they didn't get it)

Some of the people on our bus took the "keep it on during the trip" literally, sitting in the bus with the lifejacket on!  I guess they did say "entire trip" right, but it was hot with the jacket on, it made a great headrest for bus ride.

I think what scared them the most was the hour bus ride to Elizabethan, TN with NO CELL PHONES! "What will we do?" My boys wailed.

"Um talk to each other?"

What's nice about EOW Rafting is the bus ride is a show in itself. If I could give the Corniest joke award to anyone, it'd be these guides. Nothing is sacred with them, I think I heard more groans on the bus than moans. Plus a lot of laughter. The nice part of this show is the bus ride went pretty fast, we learned the TN state flower (satellite dish) and animal (hootenanny)

EOW puts the rafts in by the damn on the Watauga River, my choice for taking a boat load (seriously a boat load) of kids. River rapids are in classes, measured by International Scale of River Difficulty.

Translated, the numbered classes determine the amount of sphincter tightening on your trip.
1 - a little bumpy everyone laughing and having fun.
7 - praying, full sphincter tightening as you paddle for your life.

The Watauga stretch for our ride had the highest rapid class at the Anaconda Rapid, a class of 3.

We were introduced to our guide Coleman, through everyone roasting him as they set our rafts in the water, setting us up. I didn't realize he lived with his Momma, drives her minivan, and his nickname is "wienie."

We positioned everyone in the raft, putting me and Wolfgang in the front of the raft as the two that will actually paddle when Coleman tells us to paddle.  The first words out of everyone's mouth is, "This water is FREEZING!" Yes, it will be cold and will stay cold as the water of the Watauga comes out of the dam, from the bottom of Watauga Lake keeping the temperature a balmy 52-53 degrees. Refreshing on a hot summer day!

We paddled our way down to the Anaconda, our guide telling us when to paddle, when to pause. I knew my son behind me was paddling because he spent the first part of our trip hitting my paddle!  We paddled down the Anaconda rapid, the kids screaming and having fun moving over to lunch after the rapid. This is where I think EOW stands out,

No, not the lunch, though it is delicious. Homemade by the shop's owners every morning. Chicken tenders, biscuits, lemonade and water, finishing with energy bars.
No, not the lunch show which was pretty amazing, the guides joking with all of us and each other. (some of them can actually dance)

It's that we can stay by the class 3 rapid and travel down it as many times as we want, as long as we carry the raft back to the top of rapid. Our kids went down several times, a photographer taking pictures of them in the raft as they screamed by. Of course, usual to our group, two fell out of the raft on the rapid, all of us watching and yelling, "Nose and feet up!" It made for better stories as they laughed about pulling each other out, how cold the water was, which guides came over to save them. I enjoyed watching the guides dig in with their paddles as they brought the rafts over to the shore at the end of the rapid for the kids to carry up. (Hey, I'm human OK)

Since EOW leases the land to the side of the rapid, we ate lunch watching all rafts go by and keep going, while we rode the rapid over and over until everyone, including the guides were pretty worn out. Climbing back in the raft we made our way down the river over lower class rapids, two swimming holes along the way, kids flipping off the raft, pushing everyone out of the raft, the biggest complaint how cold the water was. Each time we had a water fight, my sister was in the middle of it, and she loved the feel of the cold water, not.

All in all, the trip was a success, the kids talking about falling out on the way back, another show from the guides on the bus ride back, AND a quick stop for drinks and bathroom before the bus ride! I would highly recommend EOW for rafting, especially with kids as they do a great job keeping everyone safe AND entertained!

Oh and guess what! Everyone survived, I'm not talking about the rafting trip but a day WITHOUT any cell phone interaction!

Get that last trip of summer in with a trip to Edge of the World for a day of rafting, you won't regret it.

Pictures sold at the end of the trip! Priceless memories.