WTF - Laundry List

My college freshman called and said he missed me and wanted to come home for a night. I understood the translation, "I have a boatload of laundry to do."

He came home proudly telling me he even was washing his sheets! (He's been in the dorm three, three weeks - Ewwww)

The next day when I go to take a shower, I wonder where all my towels went? Ah, yes he washed his sheets but left me the dirty towels and grabbed some clean ones.

With one still at home, I figured we had to go down my laundry list:

If you don't want it ruined, empty your pockets. Especially Lip Balm that melts in the dryer and you can't get the stains out of your clothes. If it does get ruined there is no complaining to the management. You snuck those pants into my hamper.

But you can leave money in your pockets. I love freshly laundered money.

Clothes around the hamper do not get washed, clothes in the hamper do.

If you tried it on and didn't want to wear it, it's still clean. Don't throw it on the floor for the dog to pee on.

You can reuse a towel if hung up properly. Don't shove it in a big ball on the towel rack. Remember this isn't a hotel. We can use towels more than once. And the argument that it touched your private parts isn't working. They were clean when it touched them.

If it goes into the wash inside out, it gets folded inside out. You can guess what's on that T-shirt.

Keep your socks together. I got overwhelmed by single socks to the point I just took a trash bag of single socks and gave it to Goodwill, let them deal with it.

You can wear your Jeans more than once. We don't work on a farm. Your father puts his jeans in the freezer to clean them. I'm guilty of washing mine.

Finally, you can use a computer, definitely use an iPhone. I'm sure you can figure out the washer and dryer.

Who used up all my laundry detergent?

WTF - What Type of Ship Do You Run?

I love when other Moms tell me how much they love running a tight ship. They tell me exactly how much screen time each child has according to their spreadsheet, surprised I don't move everything on the bookshelves when dusting.

I simply tell them, I don't run a tight ship, I run a PIRATE Ship.

Why?

We're usually lost at sea looking for some booty we misplaced in a safe place weeks ago.

There's usually some type of drinking, I don't rule out the rum.

There's also quite a bit of cussing on any given day, as my shipmates do not follow the captain's orders.

Our ship daily looks like bombs have gone off on it.

There's a lot of nonverbal communication involving grunting and such.

I'm pretty sure my Blackbeards are planning some type of mutiny on me.

Most of our clothing looks like it spent its life on a deserted island.

We're hurling straight to the edge of the world and no one's worried.

If I had a cutlass I'm sure there are a few days I'd chop up everything in their room just to teach a lesson.

Who'd be the first person in my family to walk the plank?

Do you run a tight ship or a pirate ship?

WTF - New Normal

I was asked about my opinion on raising teenage boys in the day and age of the Kavanaugh hearings. Specifically what happened back in high school.

I am not going to tell you my thoughts on the hearings because honestly, that is none of anyone's business. But I have sat my boys down and talked to them about this situation along with ways to protect themselves in this day and age.

Social media has erupted and changed the way teens live their lives. This was part of a conversation with my children:

My constant reminders to my children are that they be respectable, honorable and responsible.  I know they are good kids but sometimes make foolish decisions.

I'm not telling my boys to walk on eggshells with girls in social situations, I am telling them to be careful. Specifically:

1. Assess all situations asking yourself key questions, are they honorable and responsible? If you have any doubt leave that situation immediately.

2. Surround yourself with friends you know and trust. Keep those friends close especially in public situations. You know they have your back and you have their back.

3. Always question invites outside your circle of friends. Who's going to be there? If you don't know anyone, it's probably a better idea not to go.

4. If a situation is different than what was presented, leave that situation immediately.

5. Large social gatherings now should require a buddy system with one of those friends you trust.

6. Always remember every situation has someone taking pictures with their camera. If you behave honorably you may not worry. Unfortunately, honorable things may be taken out of context and made to not look as honorable. Having that buddy system will help.

7. Things you put on social media thinking they disappear after 24 hours never truly disappear. Always treat anything you'd put out there as shouting it to the world and not being able to take it back. Is it worth it? How does it make you look? Pause before you send it.

Now that my son has a girlfriend, he has the added addition of making sure he's honorable and respectful to her. He once was going over to a friends house to hang out in the hot tub, I asked who would be there. He wasn't sure. I mentioned to him, "Remember if you go over there and it's all girls and someone sends out a Snapchat of you there, who could you be hurting?"

The scary part is I am sure in the current Supreme Court situation both parents probably told their children the same thing. There comes that time when you pray you brought up your child in an honorable manner, and you pray that they stay safe. You also pray that they don't end up in a situation like the one we are seeing play out in media. My oldest turns 18 next year and it's even scarier sending him out into the world.

Was I an angel in my teenage years? Hell no. I am lucky I grew up without cell phones and constant social media. Most of my foolish decisions were not recorded. I'm the same age as Kavanaugh and Ford and think back to some of the things I did at parties and during Beach Week. I may still have a few bad decisions as an adult now but I'm hoping people don't judge me on my teenage years and I'm also hoping there are not a few pictures out there proving my bad decisions.

And whether you believe either party in this debacle,  the key point we must remember is our country's founding belief, you are innocent until proven guilty. When we lose that we dissolve into anarchy.

What other suggestions would you add to keep our teenagers safe in this new day and age?

USASA Membership!

At 5475 feet above sea level, the leaves are starting to change. The Beech trees first moving from green to a light yellow. Fall is always an exciting time because winter is right around the corner! Fall is the opportunity to enjoy the beautiful mountains before the snow but to also get ready for the snow.

I had the pleasure of talking to the Fall Color Guy, Professor Howard Neufeld of Appalachian State University. I asked about our wet summer wondering if it will affect fall color. Dr. Neufeld said the amount of rain doesn’t affect fall color, that is an old wives tale. It’s the winds sweeping the leaves off the trees before we get to enjoy them. The perfect recipe for fall color involves partly sunny days and cool nights for color. You can check out his Facebook page @FallColorGuy for daily updates and a timeline for viewing or as we say, “leaf peeping” by elevation.

Fall also bring opportunities for prepping for winter. Ski resorts put a limited number of season passes on discount. Most pass costs are covered in under 15 days on the snow if calculating weekday rates! Imagine how much more you can do with a season pass! NCSki Association offers the Gold Pass for all North Carolina Ski Resorts. For more information on the Gold Pass visit http://www.goskinc.com/gold-card/

USASA - United States of America Snowboard and Freeski Association has discounted memberships available through October 1st. This organization is for children and adults who like to compete. Normal membership is $100/athlete, the discounted rate is $85/per athlete. This organization hosts including Rail Jams, Slopestyle, and Boardercross.

Last year my two boys participated in this organization. The events were held at Applachian Ski Mountain, Beech Mountain Resort, Masanutten, and Ober Gatlinburg. Most of the athletes in the Southeast group qualified in their disciplines earning a trip to Copper Mountain for Nationals. It is exciting this year they secured Sugar Mountain Resort for the Slalom/Giant Slalom! Athletes gain experience in both ski and snowboard disciplines with this great race!

This is where the fun comes in. About 35 athletes went out west during spring break, aging from 8 to over 50! They competed in Boardercross, Rail Jam, and Slopestyle. Families traveled with them enjoying the perks of USASA Membership. Athletes competing in just one event were given a weeklong pass to Copper Mountain for only $327! Parents traveling with children were given discounted lift tickets of $68/day. We enjoyed discounted lodging and specials at area restaurants.

USASA Nationals was a great experience for my children. Nationals started with an opening ceremony that included all athletes and their families. Starting with an opening ceremony, events took place all over Copper Mountain. Children competed some days, played other days. Families took advantage of the discounted lift tickets spending time in the snow. Especially because it snowed almost every day!

If you have children that would like to compete during the winter season, take a look at USASA. It’s a fun organization that concludes with what both of my boys said was their “trip of a lifetime.” For more information visit www.usasa.org

Rates increase October 1st, so get your membership in early!

WTF - Hidden Chapters of the Parenting Manual

Since I've spent this past year either at baby showers or christenings or play dates, I thought I share all those extra chapters you don't see in the typical parenting books.

11. Giving Information Away To The Enemy - How to navigate all those great helicopter moms. Keeping your mouth shut when a child does something disgusting in front of them to making that Pinterest recipe look like it made it from scratch.

10. Vocal Chord Warm Up Exercises or Get that right pitch for yelling - You will spend a good 18 years yelling about something. Yelling for someone to listen to you, someone to clean up, or over all the noise your family creates.

9.  Basics of Rocket Science - this chapter is helpful in putting the straw into the juice pouch or box without dousing yourself. Putting together the Lego Starship in record time because you have a child standing next to you crying. Putting Dad's radio back together after your child spent the morning taking it apart.

8.  Negotiating 101 - it starts when they are little "I'll give you X if you stop crying" to when they are teenagers "If you don't stop that I'm hiding the Xbox cord." A specific part of the chapter is a difference between a bribe and a negotiation. It starts with, "Yes, you will bribe" and then explains which fights are worth the bribe (insert Ringbearer or teaching your little brother poker)

7. Stretch Tone and Balance - Stretching for running your hand down the inside of toilet for the batman flushed earlier that morning, Tone for chasing the child that did something wrong around the house saying, "When I catch you." Balance for the thirty minutes it takes to buckle a stubborn toddler into their car seat.

6. Chemical Warfare - this chapter explains the difference between your normal science experiment and hazmat. Starting with what you see in a child's diaper to the cluster of dishes under their bed as a teenager to that thing on the floor that doesn't resemble anything.  A few good paragraphs cover the question "Why is this wet?" Whether or not you even want to know.

5. The Sanitized Reputation - this chapter goes through cleaning anything. From the toilet, to the walls to the ceiling of the bathroom. My most useful part of this chapter is how to get out blood. I've used that many times having boys and will keep that in the back of my mind in case I "need" it.

4.  Me Time - how to take that special time for yourself. From ways to hide the cookies from your children, how to go into the bathroom without your children knowing. How to change the mathematical correlation between getting on your phone and your children either crying or fighting in your favor.

3.  Therapy for Dummies - how to manage meltdowns to maintaining that calm face when your teenagers tell you what they did for the weekend. Specifically explaining the Healthful Living class to consoling the first broken toy to broken heart.

2. The Art of the Mom Stare - how to make a child stop in their tracks with a single stare, sorted out by age group. The difference it makes adding the eyebrow raise to the stare making it more ominous.

1.  This too shall pass - from Hygiene to Homework to Household chores to Hormones. This chapter outlines how you really will miss these times when they are gone.

Giving Information Away to the Enemy

WTF - Bears prepping for Hibernation

"And then I saw the bear," - Jimmy Buffet

The bears on Beech Mountain are now in full swing getting in those last calories so they can go to sleep looking like Jabba The Hutt from Star Wars emerging next spring looking like Thor.

This means activity increases and you have to be Bearwise during the last month of summer into fall.

This amazing magnet is sitting on the counter at Fred's General Mercantile and it's free. Pick one up to remind yourself of these facts about bears:

Never feed or approach bears. I know, DUH! But people like to feed the animals and this attracts bears.

Do not approach a bear! Not even for a selfie! If you see a bear while out and about on the mountain you can do one of two things, turn and go the other way, or make as much noise as possible while making yourself look as big as possible. (wave your arms, open your jacket anything to make yourself look intimidating.) My husband told me to just give the bear my "mom eye" and he'll run the other way. Most of the time they are afraid of you and will run away. I always say there's plenty of food on the mountain so I don't think they'll think of us as FOOD!

Secure your home. Once they start in full eat mode prepping for hibernation, they get more creative looking for food. If you have bears regularly in your backyard as I do, I move to keeping the back doors closed taking away the temptation to come into my kitchen and help themselves to my pizza. (Seriously, this actually happened to friends, they came into their kitchen and found a bear standing over their pizza)

Secure your garbage or recycling. Trash cans on this mountain are not bear proof, meaning whatever you put out will be strewn up and down the street and into our beautiful woods. The wooden lids will deter raccoons and crows from going through your trash but they will not keep a 500lb bear away. Put your garbage out the morning of pickup. (Pickup schedules can be found at Beech Mountain Town Hall) or use the Beech Mountain Convenience center across from Fred's General Mercantile, take your trash to the dump then go over to Fred's for the morning paper and a great cup of coffee.

Remove bird feeders at night. Everyone loves feeding the birds and squirrels but during this active time this is a buffet for bears. Bears will come on your deck for bird feeders, pet food you leave out, humming bird feeders, anything edible. Don't make your deck the place they remember as a food source.

Clean your grill. If you've grilled, run it at a high temperature to burn off all food bits and run a brush over the grill cleaning off the debris. This keeps the bear from tearing your grill apart looking for food.

Secure your vehicle. Make sure there is no food in your car and all windows are up. I learned this lesson luckily with a raccoon. I thought I had all windows up but one was partially down. I went to my car to get something and a raccoon was sitting in the front seat holding a taco my son left in my car. With much noise later he disappeared into the woods with it. Luckily this wasn't a bear because a bear would have totaled my car. This happened on Sugar Mountain, a bear got into a car after a doughnut and the door shut behind him. Needless to say the car was totaled from the bear trying to get out. I wouldn't want to be the police coming and opening the door to the car letting the bear out. Our bears are creative enough to open some car doors, lock your vehicle even in our neighborhood where we don't lock cars.

Being Bearwise means being logical. This is the time of year they are packing on the weight and are not afraid of finding new food sources. Don't let your deck, car or house be their next buffet.

What are your bear proof ideas?

BBQ Chicken Bowls ala Sous Vide

I don't know if your kids are like mine but both boys hate cafeteria food. I don't think they've eaten the food at school since Kindergarten. Now with two high schoolers the beginning of the school year means meal prep!


Best Gadget to help with meal prep? The Sous Vide Machine!

The Sous Vide (pronounced Sue-VIED) is a precision cooker, meaning it cooks food to a precise temperature and keeps it there. Restaurants have used these for years, cooking to a temperature then finishing the item on the grill etc.

I use the Magic Mill Sous Vide Machine. 

Yes, this is another machine for the kitchen but,

There are benefits to cooking in a water bath.

Food is cooked evenly to a precise temperature, it does not require babysitting.
Food is cooked in its own juices staying tender and moist.
Less waste as food does not dry out and lose volume when cooking.

Here's my Sous Vide recipe for BBQ Chicken Bowls

1lb chicken
Rufus Teague Rub
Vacuum seal bag - another gadget I love, my Foodsaver Vacuum Sealer

Rub the chicken with Rufus Teague 

This stuff is awesome!

Place in Vacuum seal bag.
Vacuum out all the air.

Cook the chicken in a water bath at 140 degrees for 2 hours. The reason you vacuum seal is to keep all the air out of the bag helping it submerge in the water. If you don't vacuum seal you can always weight down the chicken in the bag with an item from the kitchen.

Chicken can be used immediately or transferred to the refrigerator already sealed in the bag.

As needed (each of the boys' lunches take a full chicken breast) grill the already cooked chicken in a cast iron skillet for grill marks or pan sear for texture. Don't cook too long as the water bath already cooked it.

My additions:

Vacuum Sealed Chicken

Green Beans
1 cup green beans
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp garlic
2 tbsp soy sauce

1. Brown garlic in olive oil.

2. Add green beans, sauce for 3 minutes.

3. Add soy sauce saute for 2 more minutes.

Cilantro Lime Rice

1 cup long grain rice

Pan Seared Chicken Breast

1/2 lime juiced

2 tbsp chopped fresh cilantro

1. Cook rice according to package.

2. Combine rice, lime juice, cilantro a touch of olive oil.

Layer rice with chicken finishing with green beans.

The perfect thermos meal for school!

With just a little chicken left, I sautéed the chicken with some Texas Pete Wing Sauce. In a large flour tortilla, I added Spring Mix, chicken, Ranch Dressing and shredded cheddar for Buffalo Chicken Wraps.

Coming up next Sous Vide Beef for Steak Fajita Thermos Lunches!

This is another version of the Sous Vide. Food is placed in a container, the cooker inserted for even cooking. This is beneficial for large groups of food, some even fill coolers with water using this type of cooker.

WTF - Back to School Edition

What's the proper way to prepare for back to school?

Panic!

Panic more as one child asks you to order two books they were supposed to read over summer.

Watch all the "good" Moms posting pictures of backpacks purchased, school supplies organized, and meal prep started for lunches.

Realize your house is a wreck, feel better as you tell yourself "I'll be able to get to it when they are in school."

Tell your kids their backpacks from last year were expensive and good enough for this year.

Find the last lunch from last year still in the backpacks.

Gag

Go through your drawers for pieces of paper and a few pencils.

Tell the kids to get their school supply list the first day of school.

Send a gentle RIP to all the summer plans along with all those people you said, "We should get together this summer."

Find the computer cord from last year that cost you $26 fine when he couldn't turn it in.

Tell your children to get back to a school schedule and they say, "Boy that's getting up when I'm usually going to bed."

Hunt for those expensive math calculators because you're not spending that money again.

Make your back to school PTO donation because you're not volunteering your time.

Four massive mounds of laundry because you don't want to take them out for Back To School shopping.

Dig out the lunch boxes wondering if you should throw away the Slim Jim you find in a box or just recycle it for the first day.

Watch a boy listening to his summer reading book on tape as he is sleeping on the couch.

Go into their rooms the night before moving alarm clocks from beside the bed to across the room.

Go back to bed after they leave for school.

Sit up and panic because you forgot that back to school picture everyone's posting on social media.

WTF - I've got the key, wish it were rollerskates

Just as I paid off the first child's braces journey, today was the day the second child, and my wallet starts the braces journey. I honestly there is no difference between a torture chamber master and an orthodontist. Seriously, I know the orthodontist tries to makes everything sound routine but he really does sound like a medieval torture

According to the Internet (we all know this is true) a torture chamber is a place where torture is inflicted. A Orthodontist office is a place where torture is inflicted. See?

Tell me the difference.

"So what we are going to do here is make a small opening in the roof of his mouth. Then we'll attach a chain to the tooth and slowly pull it out and down to an opening made with the braces."

"We're going to put you in this metal cage and hang you comfortably from the rafters of the castle."

I'm not sure which one sounds better. My son looked at me in horror as the Orthodontist showed us this really cool video of the chain pulling his tooth out. Luckily we had to pull three baby teeth and the tooth came in where is supposed to go! THANK GOD!

Now I'm entering the world of the second child. A different method:

"We're going to lay you here on the long wooden bed, attach these metal brackets to your ankles and wrists. Once everything is attached we are going to turn this wheel slowly stretching everything."

"We are putting this metal device in your mouth. This tiny key is inserted into the hole cranked once every other day, stretching the bone and letting is slowly fill in."

Where's the difference? Oh, the Orthodontist says all this with a great smile and gentle tone.

My second son and I watch the recommended video of the palate expander, he looks over to me. "I've heard of a lot kids getting through this, it's not going to be that bad."

Palate expander goes in, technician shows me how I turn the key. There's a tiny hole that no one can see in the middle, a small metal stick that no one can see either miraculously fits in that tiny hole, you turn the key one turn then you're done for the day!

It's my turn, I'm thinking (turn the wheel here, stretch them a little further) I look in the mouth and can't even see the hole for the key. I thought there would be a REAL key! The key is a small metal stick, luckily attached to a bright blue pole for idiots like me that can't see a thing. I put on my glasses and look in there again, ah there's the hole. I'm trying to stick the key in the hole, until I put the flashlight on my phone and find it.

"There! I've turned it."

"You turn it the other way, not clockwise, bring it down toward the back of his mouth." She says.

I look in there again, and after some real awkward movements, I've turned the key!

"Good luck," she says as we leave the office.

At home, we set our alarms for when to turn the key as I keep telling myself, "This is only three months. I can do this for three months. Everyone else survived it."

Day one of the key comes. Son comes up to remind and my first thought is, "Oh shit, where did I put the key?"

He lies on the couch as I stab his tongue twice locating the hole again. Two more side stabs until I get the key in the hole, we're both sweating. Finally with one turn, we are done for the rest of the day!

"That wasn't so bad?" I say picturing the Rack from my search of torture devices.

47 left to go.

Can't wait to see what's next.

Where is that damn key?

WTF - What's In Your Junk Drawer

Everyone has it. I'm not talking about cooties, I'm talking about the

dreaded junk drawer.

That place you throw everything that doesn't have a designated spot in your kitchen.

The black hole that fills,

and fills

and fills

until you can't shut it and it's time to clean it out.

I tell my boys, "Today's the day I'm cleaning out the junk drawer!"
They reply, "Which one?"

I have to do this alone because it's like my husband's box of wires and plugs. "Oh, we can't throw that out, you never knew when we may find a VHS without a plug." and "No, we can't throw that one out you still have your Suzie Homemaker Oven don't you?"

My children and their friends call the drawer the "treasure box" when they are bored they love going through the junk drawers looking for treasure. One actually found 5 dollars in MY drawer claiming finder keepers.  Honestly if you have bored teenagers, get out the junk drawer!

Junk drawers are full of memories you find around the house but can't throw out.

"Oh look it's the broken piece from Max's stick of awe. The one he made in 5th grade. I can't throw that out!"

or,

"Is that one of Max's baby teeth?"

There are also memories you can't remember:

"Anyone know what this key belongs to?"
Hubby, "Don't throw that out, you never know when we may have to unlock something."

After three hard pulls I finally get the drawer out, sitting on the kitchen table ready to go down this rabbit hole.

Batteries I'm pretty sure are dead, as my kids change batteries and throw the old ones back in the drawer.

Too many Post It Notes to count (Am I THAT forgetful?)

What's this? Snake in a can? Ahhh, sitting next to the fake poop.

Invisible Ink Pens - ahhh boys.

A number candle from someone's 3rd birthday
Enough soy sauce, mayonnaise, mustard, duck sauce packets for the apocalypse
Chop sticks
4 pairs of sunglasses
Sharpies, highlighters, glue sticks
A handcuff key?
Body Glide for Her - yeah thick thigh problem
Hand warmers
Way too many lip balms
A staple puller
A stapler with no staples
ONE domino
Pieces to a watch
several random cards
a test tube
A water syringe (don't ask)
Screws to something, I'll just wait for it to fall apart to realize.

Then finally underneath it all is the junk drawer organizer with a

A wine bottle stopper?

Finally!

Something to throw away!

I did find something cool I'd forgotten about.

A Cat PEN!

You're welcome!

WTF - My Dirty Little Secret

My son came up for breakfast saying,

"I couldn't sleep last night!"

Me, "Why? We added a fan in your room." (Sidenote, we've said the H word on Beech Mountain, breaking out the summer fans for sleeping. After our March I swore I wasn't going to say "hot" until July but Mother Nature is proving me wrong.)

"Just as I was falling asleep, I was almost there, something ran up my leg!"

Me, "Ugh! Was it a spider?"

"No bigger."

"Mouse?"

"I don't know, maybe a squirrel. I went and got Shawnee in case it came back."

Me, "It can't be a squirrel, probably a mouse."

"Why would a mouse be in my room?"

Really?

Do you want to see why?

If you are OCD please stop here.

Seriously, this is a big trigger warning.

This is why there's probably a mouse in his room.

We have a dirty little secret in the Melang house,

Boys rooms.

I have all those perfect Mom friends that clean everything including their children's rooms, but I'm done with that. I don't touch them anymore.

Except for quarterly when all my dishes are missing and I lose my shit, screaming at them while throwing everything out the window.

They still ask me where their shit is and I have the standard answer, "In your room. Whenever I find it, I throw it in your room."

Which they answer, "Ugh, I'll never find it."

I've even stopped saying, "If you'll clean your room you'll probably find it."

I didn't even say this morning, "If you'd clean your room then the mouse wouldn't think it cozy enough for a home."

Nope, I'm not perfect, not even close. But my living space upstairs stays clean and mouse free, while I close the doors on our dirty little secret and push all the skeletons back in the closet.

Wait, is that a mouse I just saw run across my living room floor?

What's your dirty little secret?

WTF - It's the End of the School Year

You can always tell the school year is coming to a close when:

Lunches consists of cutting off the moldy pieces on sandwich bread, two stale cookies, and a Fruit Roll Up (because we should have fruit in every lunch)

Kids are picking up clothes from the floor and sniffing them rather than doing laundry.

There's no pass on tardy times, even when you are coming in hot as they are closing the door to the school.  Prompting you to walk children to the office in your PJs to sign them in.

Teachers are sending out multiple reminder emails for all the things you forgot all year. And you still promptly forget them again.

Kids are already moving to the summer schedule of sleeping, making mornings more difficult as you scream at them to get moving.

How do I know we are all done with the school year?

I pulled to the stop sign at 194 and Broadstone Road, and of course per school protocol, if there is a car line, you turn into the school parking lot, circle the lot, get in line waiting to drop your kids off.

Much to my surprise there wasn't a line, so I'm thinking, "Cool, I don't have to turn into the parking lot, I've got an extra minute of my day back to me!" I make a hard left pulling behind a car just as a few cars come out of the parking lot.

As we are waiting, this lady behind me rolls down her window yelling, "Hey Jackass, you're supposed to go through the parking lot!"

I look back thinking, "Is she talking to me? And if she is, is Jackass appropriate in the Elementary/Middle School carpool line?"

So what do I do? I forgive her because that's my yogi way of thinking, then I just ignore her as she pulls right up on my ass in the carpool line. I'm wondering what the protocol is regarding no carpool line? Did I have the right to just pull in? Was I really being a Jackass? And seriously, what does it have to do with her? Add another 30 seconds to her wait in the carpool line?

Luckily she didn't say anything else, because I really didn't want to throw it down in front of the elementary school children. "Let me show you what a Jackass I can be!"

I figure we are in the same situation. We are all done, done with the routine, done with the homework, done with the PTA requests, done with the missing assignments, done with the volunteer opportunities.

Seriously, this Jackass is done.

WTF - Hanging Out

I have a question. When did dating becoming "hanging out."

Son: "Mom, I'm driving to Boone to hang out with (Insert Girls Name Here)"

Hanging out? Isn't that dating?

No, we're just hanging out.

Where are you hanging out?

I don't know.

How are you going to hangout if you don't know where you're hanging out?

We'll figure that out when I get there. Can I have some money?

Why do you need money if you are just hanging out?

Mom.....

After hanging out sesh:

How was hanging out?

Good.

What did you do?

We hung out.

Where.

Oh, a few different places.

Where's my money then.

I spent it.

Doing what?

Hanging out.

I think going on a date sounds so much better than hanging out. Or is a way to not commit?

So Jeff walks into the room saying, "Hey baby, you wanna hang out?"

I'd say, "Naw, let's go grocery shopping."

Makes more sense, doesn't it?

WTF - Things I Will Not Do

Dear friends,

Things I will not do:

Smell clothes to see if they are dirty.

Sniff test anything unrecognizable from the refrigerator.

Wear push up bras, nothing stays in there anyway.

Share my body glide, if you don't know what body glide is--don't ask.

I will not ever, I mean ever step food into another Chuck E Cheese.

Tell my husband "EOC" during an argument. (If you don't know what EOC means, look it up)

Never be rude to a Police Officer,  again.

Believe someone when they say, "We're only going out for one."

Listen to someone who says, "Oh, it's an easy blue, you'll be just fine."

Figure I don't have to time to check if the toilet seat is down.

Pierce anything below my neck. That shit keeps moving down and I'm sure it'd start catching.

Get liposuction, well honestly, I can't afford it.

Finish a book if I've lost interest, ain't nobody got time for that. (except for 50 shades)

Stand naked on my porch thinking, "I don't have any neighbors anyway."

Stand naked anywhere.

Walk through a cemetery at night.

Look for something in a child's bedroom, that's worse than the cemetery.

Stand idly by when I hear someone say, "Hey watch this!" or "Honey, hold my beer!"

Pee in my wetsuit to stay warm, I mean, I'll probably not wear another wetsuit. I didn't like the 3days of trying to get it off my body.

Tell you who I am voting for because I want us to stay friends.

I will never underestimate the intelligence of youth, my kids taught me that.

Most of all I will never forget to laugh each and every day.

What's on your ani-bucket list?

WTF - Driver's License Edition

How in the world did I end up here, scouring the Watauga County Alerts and Updates Facebook page from 730a to 830am?

But wait, let me back up a bit.

Yesterday we graduated from the permit to the license. And just like most things it wasn't easy.

Wolfgang, first thing in the morning, says "Do we have everything to get my license?"

Me, "License? What? You're 16? Where did the time go?"

So I go online figuring out what we need.

Birth certificate - check
Social Security Card - check

Driver's Log - what?

"Teen must have a drivers log of over 60 hours of driving time documented, 10 of which hours must be at night."

Shit.

I ask other parents, "Did you need the log?"

One mother responds, "Yes, I created an Excel spreadsheet for my cherub complete with time and distance for my cherub. That way we could add up the time and see the distance she drove."

Are you kidding me?

I ask another mother, she responds, "Didn't you use the App?"

App? There's a teen supervising driving log app? What will they think of next? A Mom yelling at supervised teen driving app?

Time to create a fake drivers log. I mean really? He's had a permit for a year, he's gotten the 60 hours in, why do I have to document it. But document it I do.

I use different pens.
Different handwriting
spill coffee on the paper (that I didn't do on purpose but it definitely made it look authentic)
Then crumpled the paper up.

Show up at the DMV - check. We're using a friend's car because Wolf is worried he'd fail using the stick shift on the Mini.

Do I have proof Wolf is on my insurance?

What?

I'm on the phone with the insurance company while they fill out the paper and they fax over the proof - check.

I take a picture of them walking out for the test and before I could even post it. I see they're walking back in.

Shit.  I bet he forgot to put on his seat belt.

My heart sinks.

"You have a tail light out," The instructor says, "Go over to Advanced Auto Parts and come back."

Shit.

We drive over to Advanced Auto parts and the first thing he asked, "What's the make and model of car?"

Shit. I don't know. (the guy looks at me strange, like "You don't know the make and model of your car?")

I go out, grab the manual and present it.  03 Subaru - check.

He hands me the light bulbs, a pair of gloves "You have to wear these putting it in otherwise the light will not work." Next he gives me a socket wrench.

Wait, what? Putting it in? What does that mean?

Wolf and I go out, he's looking like a doctor with the rubber gloves on, I'm YouTubing how to change a lightbulb in an 03 Subaru.

Two new lightbulbs in the car - check.

We go back and the man is nice enough to take Wolf first (we do have a really nice DMV it is


not as depressing as most I've been in)

This time I don't look as they walk out, hoping it's good luck.

It is! He comes back with a big smile on his face and the instructor gives me a thumbs up!

New Teenage Driver - check

Case of wine - check.

WTF - Halloween Talk

Where did the skeleton go on vacation?

MaliBOO of course!

Great halloween yesterday in Banner Elk. The boys and I dressed up, thought I would share some of the comments of the family:

We started deciding our costumes, I'm probably the only Mom who keeps all the blood and guts from the year before for reuse!  Reduce, reuse, recycle!

Should I be a funny clown or the "I'm gonna kill you slowly clown?"

I think it would be easier to just splash blood all over you.

Why?

Then you can just say you're a serial killer.

If I were a serial killer, I'd just wear this.

But that's normal.

Right, they all look normal until they kill you. (insert maniacal laugh here)

That's boring.

They decide on their costumes, the conversation turns:

Should I add more scabs or more blood?

Oh scabs of course, you have plenty of blood, the scabs are really gross.

How do you make the blood look like it squirted from an open wound on you?

Here, use this Instant Blood Spray, that will work.

Don't put a scab there, that's weird.

Be careful, blood doesn't come out of clothing!

Which do you want, the zombie flesh or just the regular flesh? I think you should add some of this Instant Gore to it.

Look, I got the perfect open wound.

Wow, that looks amazing, let me spray some of this blood on it. I think you should pull on that skin flap, there, that looks awesome.

During the Trunk Or Treat:

Hello little child haven't you been by here several times?

The child: Who are you, a dentist?

My kids: The first three trunks are giving full size candy bars, get over there before they run out!

In the restaurant later eating chicken wings:

Stop picking your scabs at the table.

Did you just give me a scab?

After Trick Or Treating I hear:

Mom, this blood is not coming off, what do I do?

I run to the mirror peeling off my instant scabs down to the blood, taking off the blood.

Shit, it's still there.

Guess I'm spending the day tomorrow saying, "No, I'm not hurt, it's just Instant Blood Spray."

Or I could just go to MaliBOO!

Happy Halloween!!

What Death Has Taught Me....

As many know, the Melang family suffered a terrible loss in my nephew last week. It is hard to put into words such a beautiful life, almost like losing my child. What do you do with a tragedy?

You start with the lessons learned. When both of my children asked what happened, I said,

"You cannot do drugs. Period. Not even recreationally. In this day and age you do not know what is in them and what could be in them could be deadly. Drugs are different now, there is nothing pure anymore and you cannot take that chance."

I hope this lesson sticks with them. If there is that time something is offered, and possible peer pressure involved they will remember this moment and stand strong.  There are bad people out there that want to harm others, don't give them that chance.

How do you make sense out of it? You don't. You believe in God and trust God's plan even when tragedy takes place.

What has Death taught me about life?

Life is precious. Tomorrows are not guaranteed. Nothing in life is guaranteed. If you are going to do it, do it now. Don't wait until conditions are perfect because you'll use that excuse for the rest of your life. Hell, I ski at a North Carolina Ski Resort, if I waited for perfect conditions I wouldn't have as much fun as I do now.

You have a bigger impact than you believe. Sometimes we can feel alone out there but watching the outpouring of support to the Melang family, this is a testament to a bright life, that he lived and touched others. Cherish these memories, and each time you talk about them, that person lived. I have never been more proud to call myself Melang in watching this amazing family band together, support each other and grieve the only way Melangs grieve - together.

Tell that person you love them, add in the hug even if it is awkward. They will not remember the awkward moment, they'll remember you hugged them.

Be part of those pictures, I know everyone hates having their picture taken, but you'll be glad you did. And those that love you will be glad they have the pictures.

Be happy, be positive. Do things that make you happy, walk away from those that don't. Shed positive light to others around you and they will reflect it back to you.

It's OK to get mad, then you have to get over it. Anger is a cancer, it eats away at your joy until there is nothing left. You best thing against this cancer is to let your feelings flow then let them float away.

Be the first to forgive, be the bigger person even if it hurts. This can be hard but forgiving is giving you freedom, giving yourself permission to move on.

Don't leave unfinished business between two people. Hammer it out now.  Say what is on your mind then let things move through to finished business. Always end the day with one "I love you."

Set that goal and go for it, don't wait until tomorrow. And that means putting yourself out there, as scary as it seems, looking back years later you'll thank yourself. This also means accepting accolades and criticism and putting each in their place.

Surround yourself with people who love and accept you, you don't have time for those who don't. And let those people know you love them, especially all my crazy friends who make me laugh!

Speak and be your truth. Those close to you will support you, and will not settle for anything less.

Give yourself a break, you don't have to be perfect, no one is looking for perfection. Mistakes are our way of learning, making us a better person.

Love is the greatest gift we can give to each other. Say that kind word, do that kind deed. There is nothing better than helping others reach their goals, giving that hand up, supporting along the way. Each kind deed is a golden memory in your mind, and when you combine them all together you get something really beautiful.

Be good to yourself, you're the only you you got!

WTF - Do you Alexa?

I feel compelled to write about my newest member of the family,

Alexa.

Yes, we bit the bullet and bought an Amazon Echo and we LOVE IT!

The Echo has helped with timers, ingredients for cooking, beat boxing, science facts, and of course the Magic Eight Ball.

Alexa runs off an app, downloaded to a household device where you can connect the device to your network, control the device etc.

Almost so we've now made her part of the family.

The boys will be talking about Alexa and I'll say, "Don't talk about her too loud, she'll hear you."

They love that she will respond to most of their requests:

"Alexa, Simon Says Max is a butt." "Max is a butt."

"Alexa, play beat box" they then make it rain throwing money on the floor as they dance.

"Alexa what's in a fart?"


I did catch them saying, "Alexa order the Pathfinder Drone Quad." Of which I quickly say, "CANCEL!"

They've linked up their Pandora and Spotify accounts so I get to listen to their lousy music when they are home.

They say, "Alexa play ocean sounds" when I'm practicing yoga so I eventually have to pee.

I've even caught the hubby saying to the boys, "Ask Alexa."

The best was one morning when the morning show was talking about the Amazon Echo and every time they said "Alexa" my Alexa kept responding!

My favorite part of Alexa is the music, with having Amazon Prime, I get Prime Music. So I can sit and say, "Alexa play Amos Lee," and she'll pay the station from my Prime Music Account. Or if I say, "Alexa play Van Morrison Radio" she'll say, "Shall I open your Pandora account to Van Morrison Station?" And when I get tired of what I am listening to, I can just say, "Alexa, play Pimps of Joytime station" and she'll switch for me.

I can be in the kitchen as as I run out of something I can say, "Alexa add Cornstarch to my shopping list," and she does it!

Alexa is my alarm, my time, my jukebox and my fact finder.

I'm not sure how I got along without a friend like her.

Do you Alexa?

If you do, here's some fun Easter Eggs for her:

• Tell me a joke
• Flip a coin
• Roll the dice
• Rock, paper, scissors,
• Simon says [thing]
• Random fact
• Do you like green eggs and ham?
• One fish, two fish
• Say hello to my little friend
• Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
• Is the cake a lie?
• How much is that doggie in the window?
• Do you know the muffin man?
• To be or not to be
• May the force be with you
• I am your father
• Warp 10
• Beam me up
• Open the pod bay doors
• Set phasers to kill
• Take me to your leader
• Party time!
• What is your quest?
• Surely you can’t be serious
• I’ve fallen and I can’t get up
• How much wood can woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
• What is the meaning of life?
• Make me a sandwich
• Mac or PC?
• Do you know Siri?
• Where do babies come from?
• Do you really want to hurt me?
• Who is the real Slim Shady?
• Who let the dogs out?
• What does the fox say?
• Do you believe in life after love?
• More cowbell
• Sing me a song
• Tell me a story
• Who is the fairest of them all?
• Who’s your daddy?
• What are you going to do today?
• Where are you from?
• Will you marry me?
• Are you in love?
• Do you want to play a game?
• Are you Skynet?
• What are you wearing?
• Where’s Waldo?
• I’m home

Did you hear the story about the parrot ordering paper towels? The bird heard its owner order paper towels, then mimicked the order until the poor couple got 15 sets of paper towels with Prime Free Delivery right to their door!

Then of course, the hubby who wasn't into Alexa, thought she got more attention from me than he did, goes and orders an Amazon Tap! This is your echo with a rechargeable battery so you can take her around the house! Or in my case outside onto the deck while I work.

FYI - we are cheap and order refurbished devices, if you do this with the Tap, she may not have the updated firmware which includes the Hands Free Mode (AKA Alexa) if you plug her in, you'll find within 24 hours she'll have the update and have the Hands Free Mode available. (Trust me, I found this out the hard way)