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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Thursday, November 24, 2016

WTF - I'm F*cking Thankful


Oh spare me, it's that time of year where everyone is thankful for this, grateful for that, inspired by whatever. Oh wait, I'm supposed to ride the tide of thankfulness.

So, yeah, I am thankful for:

My Hubby - I am thankful that he simply shakes his head as I test the Darwin theory on a regular basis. I am grateful he usually is by my side on most of those shenanigans.

Sports Bras - when you have tats like mine you gotta hold those puppies in so you don't get a black eye on a run or brisk walk! I am grateful that I went from wearing 6 bras to one expensive but worth the price feeling like a steel tank around those puppies.

Boxed Wine - I am thankful for boxed wine because it lasts longer than those bottles. I am grateful for boxed wine at the dinner party because we start with a nice bottle then disintegrate to the box because no one will notice the difference thus saving money.

Pepper Spray - I am thankful for my pepper spray on dogs sniffing a little too close to my assets. I am grateful for the pepper spray helping separate the boys in a fight. (Did I just say that?)

Urban Dictionary - I am grateful for Urban Dictionary helping me keep up with my kids in the coolness factor. I am grateful when sometimes I'll put in a word and it comes back with, "Do you want the safe definition or the REAL definition." I just wish a few of those definitions I could un-see.

Friends - I am thankful for my crazy assed friends happily going along with completely deplorable shenanigans. I am grateful they keep secrets as well as I do.

Books - I am grateful for the books I write because if I don't write it, I will do it. I am thankful for the books I read helping me realize most authors are just as crazy as me.

Yoga pants - need I say more.

Cell Phone - I am thankful for my cell phone as my personal secretary, telling me when someone is calling, taking a message when I'm too lazy to answer the phone. I am grateful no one had cell phones when I was a kid otherwise I'd be a YouTube sensation. (Go ahead and google my husband's latest YouTube video)

My Kids - I am grateful for my children, especially that they are still alive today after all the stupid shit they've done. I am thankful after all the stupid shit I'VE done, they're still alive.

Finally, I am thankful for this thing called life and grateful for all the amazing people sharing it with me!

What are you thankful for?




Wednesday, November 16, 2016

WTF - Can't we all get along?

So much vitriol, especially on the Internet, I thought I would share with you how I win a political argument when it comes to social media.

It starts with something coming across my newsfeed, something crazy!

I'm not even mentioning what side, but I sit and read this wondering:
How did they come up with this?
This can't be real, I need to re read it.
Shit, it's for real!
Don't they see how wrong they are?
How could they post this shit to Facebook?

Of course I have to read the comments, because once someone flame throws on Facebook the comments get very interesting.

I'm getting more riled up as I read the comments.


I must type my own comment, I must state my opinion.

So I start typing,

typing fast.

Getting mad as I continue down my line of reasoning so different from theirs!

I stop, reread my comment wondering "I should run for office, this makes so much sense!"

I take my comment and move it to a document for grammar check, the last thing I need is someone calling me out on my grammar and not my amazing views!

Everything looks good, I move back to adding my two cents, knowing this will change everyone's view on my brilliantly worded post.

My finger hovers over enter, I pause.

Re read what I wrote, it is so spot on, it could change the world.

Then I realize I am on Facebook, what am I thinking? I'd have to hire a brain surgeon to change their mind.

Delete everything I just wrote and move on.

Winning!

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

WTF - Warning Labels


Have you ever wondered how we all survived childhood? How your children survived childhood? Especially when there are so many secrets.

When my children were small, I wished most of the toys in the toy store came with the following warning labels.

Packaging is designed so only smart strong people can get to this toy.

Loud as Shit.

You'll never figure it out. Engineering degree required for assembly.

 Please have a drink before attempting assembly.

Buy stock in AA batteries.

Doesn't have a volume option.

He'll beat his brother up with it.

Just go ahead and buy one per child.

We've hidden the "off" switch.

Yes, there is one extra part.

You'll have nightmares about it.

Don't ever step on it.

Becomes a nasty stinky mess after the first use.

Just take it from them now.


Now as teenagers, their Christmas list has changed, but I need these warnings:

You'll hate it.  Honestly, after 15 minutes you'll hate it.

It's too expensive for him to lose it after a day.

Don't buy me, just buy the gift card.

Put the parental safety controls on now.

It will never have enough space.

He'll never figure it out.

Put me back, you don't understand cool.

You'll need a drink before you see him wear it.

He'll beat his brother up with it.

You need to let him pick it out, especially if you can't return it.

Just take it from them now.

Luckily I survived childhood because sometimes ignorance is bliss. Maybe they've hidden those secret warnings in the plastic packaging you can never open!

What warnings would you add to some toys for children or teenagers?