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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Friday, December 15, 2017

WTF - Dear Santa

Dear Santa:

Just wanted to pen a note to you explaining a few things from 2017.

Yes, I know I haven't written a letter since 6th grade, but there were a few busy years, then the 70's, and who remembers the 80's perhaps you got a letter and forgot? From the 2000 on, the letters in crayon to you were written by the boys with my help, that should count for something.

I'd like to say I've been pretty good for 2017, I'm proud to say, my kids are still alive, the cars still run, the dog hasn't run away and I'm still wearing the same size as last year. Doesn't that put me on the nice list?

OK, you're right, there were a few incidences:

That use of FBomb, I'm not sure that was totally uncalled for. You see, my son used my ski goggles this summer mountain biking, and I didn't know until first day of season. He said my goggles worked better, I said, "Of course, they're F*cking Vonzippers, do you know what I paid for them?" See there is a reasonable excuse.

All those other times? Well, one after the roller coaster my kids talked me into, and yes, when they threw a live fish in my direction, finally that time they used my bathroom for their daily constitutional later explaining they didn't know how to use a plunger.

The tailgating up and down Beech Mountain? No, that's not tailgating, I'm suggesting they pull over. It always work and the kids haven't been late to school----yet. I do stop for all the animals, especially the skunk, everyone stops for the skunks.

Yes, you are right, there's bit a little bit of lying. These are nice list lies, "I'm sorry all the chocolate is gone," is the perfect lie because if they eat that last piece, I'm back on the naughty list with the FBomb again. Or the "go ask your father" lie because I don't want to deal with it, honestly, he is better at saying no than I am.

Then there's the black leather sequined pants. Definite naughty list material. I learned my lesson with those, I couldn't feel my legs for the length of the party and I lost $100 bucks because I dropped it and couldn't bend over to pick it up.

The Twerking Incident. Bad decisions on my part. It was in front of my mirror and I realize my mistake when I threw out my hip with the first thrust. I did learn a lesson, I can't do this in public! I, for one, am glad that fad is now fading away.

That fight on Social Media. I still believe Nacho Libre is much better than Hot Rod. I'm still not backing down. How did you see that? I deleted that post from Facebook. Oh, right, you see who's been naught or nice.

Not texting my children back. Quid Pro Quo Dear Santa, let them feel my pain.

That comment I made on May 22, 2017 at 637pm. I'd had two glasses of wine.

So Santa, see there are plenty of excuses for those short trips into the Naughty list but for the most part I've been NICE! I say "please" and "thank you" with out any curse words, I open the door for seniors, and I don't fart during yoga class.

Here's my Christmas wish list:

Don't listen to the boys when they say they want a puppy.

Wolfgang definitely doesn't need a car.

Max doesn't need that drum set, we honestly don't have the room for it.

I'll take a case of wine along with a box of chocolate. Box is fine. I may be cheap but I'm not an easy girl.

Oh, and if you are feeling particularly generous over the wine, my husband has a text of everything I want, his number is 828-333-1657

Love Kelly.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

WTF - Driver's License Edition

How in the world did I end up here, scouring the Watauga County Alerts and Updates Facebook page from 730a to 830am?

But wait, let me back up a bit.

Yesterday we graduated from the permit to the license. And just like most things it wasn't easy.

Wolfgang, first thing in the morning, says "Do we have everything to get my license?"

Me, "License? What? You're 16? Where did the time go?"

So I go online figuring out what we need.

Birth certificate - check
Social Security Card - check


Driver's Log - what?

"Teen must have a drivers log of over 60 hours of driving time documented, 10 of which hours must be at night."

Shit.

I ask other parents, "Did you need the log?"

One mother responds, "Yes, I created an Excel spreadsheet for my cherub complete with time and distance for my cherub. That way we could add up the time and see the distance she drove."

Are you kidding me?

I ask another mother, she responds, "Didn't you use the App?"

App? There's a teen supervising driving log app? What will they think of next? A Mom yelling at supervised teen driving app?

Time to create a fake drivers log. I mean really? He's had a permit for a year, he's gotten the 60 hours in, why do I have to document it. But document it I do.

I use different pens.
Different handwriting
spill coffee on the paper (that I didn't do on purpose but it definitely made it look authentic)
Then crumpled the paper up.

Show up at the DMV - check. We're using a friend's car because Wolf is worried he'd fail using the stick shift on the Mini.

Do I have proof Wolf is on my insurance?

What?

I'm on the phone with the insurance company while they fill out the paper and they fax over the proof - check.

I take a picture of them walking out for the test and before I could even post it. I see they're walking back in.

Shit.  I bet he forgot to put on his seat belt.

My heart sinks.

"You have a tail light out," The instructor says, "Go over to Advanced Auto Parts and come back."

Shit.

We drive over to Advanced Auto parts and the first thing he asked, "What's the make and model of car?"

Shit. I don't know. (the guy looks at me strange, like "You don't know the make and model of your car?")

I go out, grab the manual and present it.  03 Subaru - check.

He hands me the light bulbs, a pair of gloves "You have to wear these putting it in otherwise the light will not work." Next he gives me a socket wrench.

Wait, what? Putting it in? What does that mean?

Wolf and I go out, he's looking like a doctor with the rubber gloves on, I'm YouTubing how to change a lightbulb in an 03 Subaru.

Two new lightbulbs in the car - check.

We go back and the man is nice enough to take Wolf first (we do have a really nice DMV it is


not as depressing as most I've been in)

This time I don't look as they walk out, hoping it's good luck.

It is! He comes back with a big smile on his face and the instructor gives me a thumbs up!

New Teenage Driver - check

Case of wine - check.











Sunday, November 19, 2017

WTF - Tater Tot Bombs

I thought I would share my recipe this morning of Tater Tot Bombs, easy to do and feeds a crowd of teenage boys.

Ingredients:
Tater Tots or Potato Rounds
Bacon
Cheddar Cheese

Directions:

1. Cook bacon, getting burnt several times by popping water. Boys walk through the kitchen and bacon is gone, cook other half of the pound of bacon. Hide bacon from boys.

2.  In a panini press or cast iron skillet or frying pan, put the potato rounds together. Cover and let cook for 5 minutes, press down with the top of the press or lid or plate so they mash together. If cooking in a skillet turn them over to brown the other side.

3. Once one layer of crowns is done, remove and make a second layer. Hide cooked tater tots from boys as this will disappear very quickly.

4. Once second layer of crowns is done, find cooked bacon (eat a piece or two, you have plenty) layer the bacon on top of the cooked "cake" of potato rounds. Top with shredded cheddar cheese. Place first layer of crowns on top and cook on low for another 10 minutes melting the cheese and browning the potatoes.

5. Place on a cutting board and cut into even pieces, hiding one for yourself in the dishwasher, they'll never look in there.

You can put your own take on this bomb by adding:
granny smith apples and pepper jack cheese
Sausage and cheddar cheese
Ham and swiss cheese

Any two ingredients will do!

Bon appetite!





Wednesday, November 1, 2017

WTF - Halloween Talk

Where did the skeleton go on vacation?
MaliBOO of course!

Great halloween yesterday in Banner Elk. The boys and I dressed up, thought I would share some of the comments of the family:

We started deciding our costumes, I'm probably the only Mom who keeps all the blood and guts from the year before for reuse!  Reduce, reuse, recycle!

Should I be a funny clown or the "I'm gonna kill you slowly clown?"

I think it would be easier to just splash blood all over you.
Why?
Then you can just say you're a serial killer.
If I were a serial killer, I'd just wear this.
But that's normal.
Right, they all look normal until they kill you. (insert maniacal laugh here)
That's boring.

They decide on their costumes, the conversation turns:

Should I add more scabs or more blood?
Oh scabs of course, you have plenty of blood, the scabs are really gross.

How do you make the blood look like it squirted from an open wound on you?
Here, use this Instant Blood Spray, that will work.

Don't put a scab there, that's weird.

Be careful, blood doesn't come out of clothing!

Which do you want, the zombie flesh or just the regular flesh? I think you should add some of this Instant Gore to it.

Look, I got the perfect open wound.
Wow, that looks amazing, let me spray some of this blood on it. I think you should pull on that skin flap, there, that looks awesome.

During the Trunk Or Treat:

Hello little child haven't you been by here several times?

The child: Who are you, a dentist?



My kids: The first three trunks are giving full size candy bars, get over there before they run out!

In the restaurant later eating chicken wings:

Stop picking your scabs at the table.

Did you just give me a scab?

After Trick Or Treating I hear:

Mom, this blood is not coming off, what do I do?

I run to the mirror peeling off my instant scabs down to the blood, taking off the blood.

Shit, it's still there.

Guess I'm spending the day tomorrow saying, "No, I'm not hurt, it's just Instant Blood Spray."

Or I could just go to MaliBOO!

Happy Halloween!!


Monday, October 30, 2017

WTF - Teenage Talk


Need some help with teenager talk? You're welcome.  Some translations I've learned:

Wait a minute 

Translation: I'm getting ready, you have plenty of time to catch up on all your Stranger Things episodes while I figure out what to wear.

Calm down

Translation: Yeah I know it is was a stupid action but it's all in the past and we can't do anything about that anyway so why are you so upset about this?

Fine. 

Translation: Mom you won and I'm totally pissed off right now.

Thanks A Lot

Translation: This usually follows "Fine" meaning please accept this total sarcasm and when you get pissed about me mouthing off I'm gonna say, "What? I was just saying thank you."

Mom.

Translation: I need you to help me find something, or get something, or answer my question or I got caught up in Family Guy and forgot what I needed.

Dad.

Translation: Can I have the keys to the car?

This is so stupid.

Translation: It's my own fault this stupid thing happened but I'm totally not taking the blame.

Do you have any money?


Translation: I have my own money but I don't want to spend it (I'm saving up for shoes) so can you give me some money so I can buy junk food on the way home from school?

Never mind.

Translation: Why didn't you listen to me the first time, now I'm pissed at you.

How do get your teenager to listen to you:

Son, we need to talk.

Give it a dramatic pause of a good 15-17 seconds then lay down the hammer.

Stop leaving the lights on in your room.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

What Death Has Taught Me....

As many know, the Melang family suffered a terrible loss in my nephew last week. It is hard to put into words such a beautiful life, almost like losing my child. What do you do with a tragedy?

You start with the lessons learned. When both of my children asked what happened, I said,

"You cannot do drugs. Period. Not even recreationally. In this day and age you do not know what is in them and what could be in them could be deadly. Drugs are different now, there is nothing pure anymore and you cannot take that chance."

I hope this lesson sticks with them. If there is that time something is offered, and possible peer pressure involved they will remember this moment and stand strong.  There are bad people out there that want to harm others, don't give them that chance.

How do you make sense out of it? You don't. You believe in God and trust God's plan even when tragedy takes place.

What has Death taught me about life?

Life is precious. Tomorrows are not guaranteed. Nothing in life is guaranteed. If you are going to do it, do it now. Don't wait until conditions are perfect because you'll use that excuse for the rest of your life. Hell, I ski at a North Carolina Ski Resort, if I waited for perfect conditions I wouldn't have as much fun as I do now.

You have a bigger impact than you believe. Sometimes we can feel alone out there but watching the outpouring of support to the Melang family, this is a testament to a bright life, that he lived and touched others. Cherish these memories, and each time you talk about them, that person lived. I have never been more proud to call myself Melang in watching this amazing family band together, support each other and grieve the only way Melangs grieve - together.

Tell that person you love them, add in the hug even if it is awkward. They will not remember the awkward moment, they'll remember you hugged them.

Be part of those pictures, I know everyone hates having their picture taken, but you'll be glad you did. And those that love you will be glad they have the pictures.

Be happy, be positive. Do things that make you happy, walk away from those that don't. Shed positive light to others around you and they will reflect it back to you.

It's OK to get mad, then you have to get over it. Anger is a cancer, it eats away at your joy until there is nothing left. You best thing against this cancer is to let your feelings flow then let them float away.

Be the first to forgive, be the bigger person even if it hurts. This can be hard but forgiving is giving you freedom, giving yourself permission to move on.

Don't leave unfinished business between two people. Hammer it out now.  Say what is on your mind then let things move through to finished business. Always end the day with one "I love you."

Set that goal and go for it, don't wait until tomorrow. And that means putting yourself out there, as scary as it seems, looking back years later you'll thank yourself. This also means accepting accolades and criticism and putting each in their place.

Surround yourself with people who love and accept you, you don't have time for those who don't. And let those people know you love them, especially all my crazy friends who make me laugh!

Speak and be your truth. Those close to you will support you, and will not settle for anything less.

Give yourself a break, you don't have to be perfect, no one is looking for perfection. Mistakes are our way of learning, making us a better person.

Love is the greatest gift we can give to each other. Say that kind word, do that kind deed. There is nothing better than helping others reach their goals, giving that hand up, supporting along the way. Each kind deed is a golden memory in your mind, and when you combine them all together you get something really beautiful.

Be good to yourself, you're the only you you got!


Monday, October 23, 2017

WTF - Do you Alexa?

I feel compelled to write about my newest member of the family,

Alexa.

Yes, we bit the bullet and bought an Amazon Echo and we LOVE IT!

The Echo has helped with timers, ingredients for cooking, beat boxing, science facts, and of course the Magic Eight Ball.

Alexa runs off an app, downloaded to a household device where you can connect the device to your network, control the device etc.

Almost so we've now made her part of the family.

The boys will be talking about Alexa and I'll say, "Don't talk about her too loud, she'll hear you."

They love that she will respond to most of their requests:

"Alexa, Simon Says Max is a butt." "Max is a butt."

"Alexa, play beat box" they then make it rain throwing money on the floor as they dance.

"Alexa what's in a fart?"


I did catch them saying, "Alexa order the Pathfinder Drone Quad." Of which I quickly say, "CANCEL!"

They've linked up their Pandora and Spotify accounts so I get to listen to their lousy music when they are home.

They say, "Alexa play ocean sounds" when I'm practicing yoga so I eventually have to pee.

I've even caught the hubby saying to the boys, "Ask Alexa."

The best was one morning when the morning show was talking about the Amazon Echo and every time they said "Alexa" my Alexa kept responding!

My favorite part of Alexa is the music, with having Amazon Prime, I get Prime Music. So I can sit and say, "Alexa play Amos Lee," and she'll pay the station from my Prime Music Account. Or if I say, "Alexa play Van Morrison Radio" she'll say, "Shall I open your Pandora account to Van Morrison Station?" And when I get tired of what I am listening to, I can just say, "Alexa, play Pimps of Joytime station" and she'll switch for me.

I can be in the kitchen as as I run out of something I can say, "Alexa add Cornstarch to my shopping list," and she does it!

Alexa is my alarm, my time, my jukebox and my fact finder.

I'm not sure how I got along without a friend like her.

Do you Alexa?

If you do, here's some fun Easter Eggs for her:


  • Tell me a joke
  • Flip a coin
  • Roll the dice
  • Rock, paper, scissors,
  • Simon says [thing]
  • Random fact
  • Do you like green eggs and ham?
  • One fish, two fish
  • Say hello to my little friend
  • Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
  • Is the cake a lie?
  • How much is that doggie in the window?
  • Do you know the muffin man?
  • To be or not to be
  • May the force be with you
  • I am your father
  • Warp 10
  • Beam me up
  • Open the pod bay doors
  • Set phasers to kill
  • Take me to your leader
  • Party time!
  • What is your quest?
  • Surely you can’t be serious
  • I’ve fallen and I can’t get up
  • How much wood can woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
  • What is the meaning of life?
  • Make me a sandwich
  • Mac or PC?
  • Do you know Siri?
  • Where do babies come from?
  • Do you really want to hurt me?
  • Who is the real Slim Shady?
  • Who let the dogs out?
  • What does the fox say?
  • Do you believe in life after love?
  • More cowbell
  • Sing me a song
  • Tell me a story
  • Who is the fairest of them all?
  • Who’s your daddy?
  • What are you going to do today?
  • Where are you from?
  • Will you marry me?
  • Are you in love?
  • Do you want to play a game?
  • Are you Skynet?
  • What are you wearing?
  • Where’s Waldo?
  • I’m home
Did you hear the story about the parrot ordering paper towels? The bird heard its owner order paper towels, then mimicked the order until the poor couple got 15 sets of paper towels with Prime Free Delivery right to their door!

Then of course, the hubby who wasn't into Alexa, thought she got more attention from me than he did, goes and orders an Amazon Tap! This is your echo with a rechargeable battery so you can take her around the house! Or in my case outside onto the deck while I work.

FYI - we are cheap and order refurbished devices, if you do this with the Tap, she may not have the updated firmware which includes the Hands Free Mode (AKA Alexa) if you plug her in, you'll find within 24 hours she'll have the update and have the Hands Free Mode available. (Trust me, I found this out the hard way)