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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

WTF - Boobs Part One

I just found a goldfish in my bra.

I'm not sure how long it was there. But it tasted fine.

Which brought me to this meme someone sent me. The boob challenge? A real woman?

Boobs, if you don't have them you want them. If you have them you wish you didn't have them.

Honestly I haven't seen the bottom of my boobs since the training bra days back when my Mom took me to the doctor because she thought I had breast cancer.

"See those bumps, that's not normal is it?" She asked pointing to my chest.

"Yes, they are buds."

"Buds?"

"The beginning of boobs," he replied. I think he said breasts, but my mind went to boobs, tatas, jugs.

How do I remember this conversation? Because I recounted this conversation several times during therapy a few years down the road.

What did my mother do? She immediately took me out for a TRAINING BRA!

What honestly does a training bra train? We went from the doctor's office directly to the department store to the lingerie department, the old lady behind the counter clucking over me as she led me to the training bras. Mom picked out a few white lace ones because "I am a good girl" and let the woman measure me for the perfect fit. We settled on two white lace ones and one American Flag print because we are patriots.

My mother had to see each one in the dressing room making sure they fit, pinching the sides asking if they were too tight. (More therapy about that one later) I think my sisters thanked me later for sparing them the humiliation, being the eldest daughter of the family and that meant basically I was the human guinea pig.

Now I can't live without my training bras, I mean sport bras. They hold everything in place and even serve as a nice storage place for food in case I get caught out in the cold!

Did you have a training bra growing up?

Friday, January 12, 2018

WTF -Do You Want A Cougar

Leave it to my friends......

My son has another fundraiser for his 8th grade field trip, something we can all use!

Coffee!

So of course, I ask all of my friends seeing if they want to buy coffee.

This is why I love my friends.

"I'm selling Hatchet Coffee for Max's fundraiser, awesome local coffee roaster!"

"Really, I love Hatchett Coffee, I'll buy some!"

"Excellent! It's the Cougar brand!"

Silence from them.

"What? You don't want Cougar coffee?"

"Uh Cougar Coffee? What's in it?"

"What do you mean? Coffee!"

"Cougar?"

Me, spitting my beer out, "Really? It's coffee for school, get your mind out of the gutter."

"Is it in a leopard skin bag with 3 inch black spiked heels?"

I laugh, "Yeah, and lots of hormones."

"I'll buy some cougar, how much?"

"Ugh, it's $16/pound."

"That's cheap for cougar. Are you sure this is real?"

"Stop it, do you want ground or whole?"

"A grounded cougar or whole cougar? I'll take the whole."

I write down the order, they are spending most of their time laughing.

When I finally collect their money, they lean close and say, "Would you like that Cougar coffee with a little bit of MIL"

I'm not going there.


Anyway, if you wanna buy some coffee, let me know!



Monday, January 8, 2018

WTF - Alexa vs. Teenager

My son said to me, "You love Alexa more than you love me."

I laughed.

Then I thought about it.

I don't, do I?

Alexa listens to me.

Alexa shuts up when I tell her to shut up.

Alexa doesn't argue.

Alexa listens to me the first time, and if she doesn't understand she asks questions.
Me: "Alexa remind me to turn off the damn pasta in 15 minutes."
Alexa 15 minutes later, "Turn off the damn pasta."

Alexa is clever, no real level of sarcasm.

Alexa enjoys reading books.

Alexa doesn't roll her eyes.

She performs minor tasks without complaining.

Alexa is content sitting quietly in the corner.

Alexa doesn't use all my cellphone data.

I don't have to feed Alexa.

Alexa is like my teenagers in:

Jeff spends his days yelling at Alexa then disappointed when she's doesn't respond to him.

She suggests workout songs as I walk by with a Krispy Kreme.

She has an amazing array of fart noises.

She can tell a mean joke. Especially Yo Mama jokes.

She can hear what you say but think it's something different. I asked her to put edamame on our shopping list and she said, "Sure, I put M&M's on your shopping list."

I was reading this list to the boys and my husband had an interesting observation:

"We've had an Alexa for years now. It's you."

Aww I guess I'll keep them and all my Alexas!

Do you Alexa?




Wednesday, January 3, 2018

WTF - SNOMG!


Guys! SNOMG is coming! Are you ready? Here's a few tips from us already frozen on a mountain top to coping:

Go now, yes, right now and clear out all the bread and milk and toilet paper. You are screwed on the alcohol, everyone else went the minute the alert went out, shelves are empty.

Buy some socks. Those things that go on your feet keeping them warm. Look for ones with toes in them so you can still wear your flip flops.  You can also use all those beach blankets for extra warmth on the couch.

If you have a pair of gloves, dig them out. If not, the rubber kitchen gloves will keep your hands warm.

Find your hazard button on your car, most tourists where we live turn this on alerting others that it is snowing. Hands at ten and two while driving, don't worry about turn signals, your hazards are taking care of that.

Get out your old ski clothes, it could get pretty cold. I've ready that polyester from 1970 can hold a warm 98.6 degrees for over 18 hours.

Find some large tubs, if you lose power you can just put your beer outside in the snow and it stays nice and cold.

If you have a 4 wheel drive that does not mean you can drive in the snow. That definitely doesn't mean you can drive like an idiot because you have a 4 wheel drive.

Gunning the engine and spinning the tires does not get you out of that ditch.

Remember "Don't Crowd The Plow" if the plow is behind you, politely move to the side and let him pass.

Honestly, use our school of thought any time it snows, SLOW DOWN! Take your time and you'll get where you're going. Better yet, leave work before everyone else so you're not stuck behind someone who caused the wreck on the highway.

Now go, get that milk, bread and beer! Quickly! It's starting to snow!

Better yet, stay home, cuddle up under a blanket and enjoy the snow day!

Just kidding, stay safe, drink responsibly and enjoy the forced family time!

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

WTF - Resolutions?

Coming into 2018 hot, it's easy to start the first week off with all these great fantasies:

Six pack abs.
Photo Nomadic Traveler Photography
Limiting the curse words
A healthier lifestyle
Getting off Social Media
Pants that fit.

Here's the realistic version of 2018 resolutions:

Wake up New Years Day full of ambition for the above reasons.

Realize you overslept your alarm so that time you carved at the gym for the 6 pack abs ain't gonna happen.

Say a few curse words before remembering resolution number two. 

You've broken two resolutions in the first 15 minutes of 2018.

Well it's the perfect time to shout this one out to all of your friends on Social Media, right?

Catch yourself yelling at your children, cross off being a good Mom

Mix the last of the champagne from the night before with whatever is in the fridge, in this case Vitamin Water.

Pull out the yoga pants and at 10:47am call it a day.

Or better yet, 

Just plan on making better bad decisions for 2018!

Now that's a resolution I can keep!


Friday, December 15, 2017

WTF - Dear Santa

Dear Santa:

Just wanted to pen a note to you explaining a few things from 2017.

Yes, I know I haven't written a letter since 6th grade, but there were a few busy years, then the 70's, and who remembers the 80's perhaps you got a letter and forgot? From the 2000 on, the letters in crayon to you were written by the boys with my help, that should count for something.

I'd like to say I've been pretty good for 2017, I'm proud to say, my kids are still alive, the cars still run, the dog hasn't run away and I'm still wearing the same size as last year. Doesn't that put me on the nice list?

OK, you're right, there were a few incidences:

That use of FBomb, I'm not sure that was totally uncalled for. You see, my son used my ski goggles this summer mountain biking, and I didn't know until first day of season. He said my goggles worked better, I said, "Of course, they're F*cking Vonzippers, do you know what I paid for them?" See there is a reasonable excuse.

All those other times? Well, one after the roller coaster my kids talked me into, and yes, when they threw a live fish in my direction, finally that time they used my bathroom for their daily constitutional later explaining they didn't know how to use a plunger.

The tailgating up and down Beech Mountain? No, that's not tailgating, I'm suggesting they pull over. It always work and the kids haven't been late to school----yet. I do stop for all the animals, especially the skunk, everyone stops for the skunks.

Yes, you are right, there's bit a little bit of lying. These are nice list lies, "I'm sorry all the chocolate is gone," is the perfect lie because if they eat that last piece, I'm back on the naughty list with the FBomb again. Or the "go ask your father" lie because I don't want to deal with it, honestly, he is better at saying no than I am.

Then there's the black leather sequined pants. Definite naughty list material. I learned my lesson with those, I couldn't feel my legs for the length of the party and I lost $100 bucks because I dropped it and couldn't bend over to pick it up.

The Twerking Incident. Bad decisions on my part. It was in front of my mirror and I realize my mistake when I threw out my hip with the first thrust. I did learn a lesson, I can't do this in public! I, for one, am glad that fad is now fading away.

That fight on Social Media. I still believe Nacho Libre is much better than Hot Rod. I'm still not backing down. How did you see that? I deleted that post from Facebook. Oh, right, you see who's been naught or nice.

Not texting my children back. Quid Pro Quo Dear Santa, let them feel my pain.

That comment I made on May 22, 2017 at 637pm. I'd had two glasses of wine.

So Santa, see there are plenty of excuses for those short trips into the Naughty list but for the most part I've been NICE! I say "please" and "thank you" with out any curse words, I open the door for seniors, and I don't fart during yoga class.

Here's my Christmas wish list:

Don't listen to the boys when they say they want a puppy.

Wolfgang definitely doesn't need a car.

Max doesn't need that drum set, we honestly don't have the room for it.

I'll take a case of wine along with a box of chocolate. Box is fine. I may be cheap but I'm not an easy girl.

Oh, and if you are feeling particularly generous over the wine, my husband has a text of everything I want, his number is 828-333-1657

Love Kelly.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

WTF - Driver's License Edition

How in the world did I end up here, scouring the Watauga County Alerts and Updates Facebook page from 730a to 830am?

But wait, let me back up a bit.

Yesterday we graduated from the permit to the license. And just like most things it wasn't easy.

Wolfgang, first thing in the morning, says "Do we have everything to get my license?"

Me, "License? What? You're 16? Where did the time go?"

So I go online figuring out what we need.

Birth certificate - check
Social Security Card - check


Driver's Log - what?

"Teen must have a drivers log of over 60 hours of driving time documented, 10 of which hours must be at night."

Shit.

I ask other parents, "Did you need the log?"

One mother responds, "Yes, I created an Excel spreadsheet for my cherub complete with time and distance for my cherub. That way we could add up the time and see the distance she drove."

Are you kidding me?

I ask another mother, she responds, "Didn't you use the App?"

App? There's a teen supervising driving log app? What will they think of next? A Mom yelling at supervised teen driving app?

Time to create a fake drivers log. I mean really? He's had a permit for a year, he's gotten the 60 hours in, why do I have to document it. But document it I do.

I use different pens.
Different handwriting
spill coffee on the paper (that I didn't do on purpose but it definitely made it look authentic)
Then crumpled the paper up.

Show up at the DMV - check. We're using a friend's car because Wolf is worried he'd fail using the stick shift on the Mini.

Do I have proof Wolf is on my insurance?

What?

I'm on the phone with the insurance company while they fill out the paper and they fax over the proof - check.

I take a picture of them walking out for the test and before I could even post it. I see they're walking back in.

Shit.  I bet he forgot to put on his seat belt.

My heart sinks.

"You have a tail light out," The instructor says, "Go over to Advanced Auto Parts and come back."

Shit.

We drive over to Advanced Auto parts and the first thing he asked, "What's the make and model of car?"

Shit. I don't know. (the guy looks at me strange, like "You don't know the make and model of your car?")

I go out, grab the manual and present it.  03 Subaru - check.

He hands me the light bulbs, a pair of gloves "You have to wear these putting it in otherwise the light will not work." Next he gives me a socket wrench.

Wait, what? Putting it in? What does that mean?

Wolf and I go out, he's looking like a doctor with the rubber gloves on, I'm YouTubing how to change a lightbulb in an 03 Subaru.

Two new lightbulbs in the car - check.

We go back and the man is nice enough to take Wolf first (we do have a really nice DMV it is


not as depressing as most I've been in)

This time I don't look as they walk out, hoping it's good luck.

It is! He comes back with a big smile on his face and the instructor gives me a thumbs up!

New Teenage Driver - check

Case of wine - check.