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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Monday, February 19, 2018

WTF - Frances and Larry Flash Fiction

1,000 words, take an event from my life and rewrite it as fiction.  Here's my dear friend Frances and love her life - Larry.

Bust a Move

It was too early to ask for the dance, he knew it but walked up to the girls anyway.

They didn’t acknowledge him at first, talking to each other deeply about something that involved looking over at the bar then back to each other.  When they realized he was waiting for them to acknowledge him, they both sat down in their beers.

“Would you like to dance,” Larry asked, hoping inside that one of them would say yes.  He wasn’t going to be picky that night, all he needed was a warm body so he could show off the great moves he learned on Let’s Dance.

Frances looked over to Kelly, who shrunk in her seat.  Kelly, was having mobility issues, something in her right hip was limiting to only The Bump.  A appointment with the chiropractor was due for a hipness check.

Kelly looked him up and down, thin, flexible, eager.  “You go,” Kelly said to Frances, “He looks your type.”

Frances looked over to Larry, “I don’t know.  I really don’t want to up stage anyone like I did before.”

They both looked over to see the poor young man drowning his sorrows in a shot after his attempt at dancing with Frances.  No one at the ski resort knew her, it was in the lowlands that she gained the title “Master of the Dance.”  Starting at a young age with The Hustle, Frances was known around town as one that could spin any move.  She could pop when most would hop, swirl when others could only twirl, and tweak what ever came her way until her partner would drop in surrender or exhaustion.

Kelly smiled at her friend, “Just tone it down a bit lady, he may survive.”

Frances walked out onto the dance floor with Larry, both eyeing each other like wolves ready to devour.  “He’s got some nice thin hips, he’s in decent shape, maybe he can keep up with me,” Frances thought as she rolled her hips to soften her stance.

“She’s got some cordination.  I don’t really need her, but I always look desperate dancing with myself,” Larry figured as he looked over to the band and put his hand up in the air.

The first song was pulled straight from the 80’s, Toto’s “Africa” one with an easy beat, not too many crazy twists and turns, so the most basic of dancer could not keep up.  They both looked each other and circled the dance floor like wrestlers getting ready to rumble.

Frances laid down the first line, leting her hip flexors go, the side swipe of her hips caused several guys seated at a table in front of the fire to look her way.  Larry stopped and stared at this woman in front of him and thought, “Oh you want to play that way,now don’t you?”

Larry returned her fire with his hands over his head, his back thoroughly stretched out from yoga that morning letting him show her there are many different ways to show off his assets, the tight blue jeans clinging, black leather vest slight open showing the 6 chest hairs.  The rapid fire of his pelvis caused Frances to stop in her tracks and look at him.  With a slow smiled she moved up close to him, letting him smell her Love’s Baby Soft perfume only to disappear with with a quick dart and twist.  Larry moved with her, picturing the dance mat under his feet, Miley Cyrus on the television, his mind seeing the next light before his foot even stepped there.  Frances, sweating slightly, enjoying their joust, pulled out the shimmy shake, causing several at the bar to completely miss their shot ski.  The tight ski pants, straining against her assets, held on as she moved close to the band, Larry right with her.  They got to the front of the dance floor, as Larry grabbed her around the waist, ducked her under the red lights of the band.  The lead singer came to the part in the song, “AAAFFFFRRIIICCCCAAA,” as Larry came in for the kill.  Frances could smell machine oil on him, wondering if it was part of his job or he just used it to lubricate parts for dancing.

“You’re quite good,” she said as he face came close.

“And you are too, my lady,” Larry replied, taking in a long whiff of Love’s Baby Soft.

“I’m sensing a few Let’s Dance moves here,” Frances said.

He dipped her lower, “Just a few.”

“Then follow me,” Frances said as he moved in for a kiss but she was gone before he reached her, leaving only Love’s Baby Soft in her wake. 

She went over to the side of the dance floor, her body twisting and turning as more eyes went from the party at hand to the dance floor.  Larry followed like a puppy, his eyes never leaving her assets but his rhythm shown in how effortlessly he slid right in behind her.  She showed him a move, and he followed--the yin in her yang as they told a story with their hands, bodies and eyes.

When the song stopped, both stood by themselves in the middle of the dance floor, the bar silent.  The slow clapping started by the poor guy with the shot at the bar, “Well done friend, well done,” he said as he clapped.  It went around the room, as Frances bowed then walked back to her seat next to Kelly.

“Damn,” Kelly said as she took a sip of her beer.

Larry thought he had found his soul mate, he walked back over to their table breathless.  His future wife sat there, the love of his life.  They could trip the light fantastic as they faded into the sunset.

“Would you like to dance,” he asked.

“I don’t know how to,” Frances replied going back to her friend and her beer.

“Another lonely night,” started the second round by the band.

Friday, February 16, 2018

WTF - Craigslist

So I need another book case and decided to try Craigslist for the purchase.

Yep, I tried Goodwill, everything was from 1978, consignment shops didn't have what I was looking for.

I never realized a Craigslist purchase was almost like a drug deal.

Disclaimer, I've never bought drugs in my life, I'm referring to what I've seen on TV.

I responded to an add on Craigslist. "Do you have it?"

He messages back, "Yeah, I got it. Do you want it?"

"Yes, I want it. How much?"

He tells me a price, and I balk, we negotiate

"So, where do you want to meet for the exchange?" He asks.

"I don't know how, how far away are you?" I reply.

"I've got school during the day but can meet you in the parking lot of school. I'm the black pickup truck with the RECESS sticker."

"OK, I'll be waiting for you in the parking lot."

I drive to the school, early looking for the car. Was there a sale on black pickup trucks and was RECESS giving out free stickers? I drive up and down the parking lot as the students walk out until one in particular, a guy in black jeans and a black hoodie signals me.

I stop by him, "Are you the guy with the stuff?"

He nods, "Follow me back here to my truck."

I drive around to the truck. He looks both ways, jumps into the back of the truck, pulling a tarp to the side. "Is this what you want?"

I look at it, "Yep, that's it."

"Do you have the cash?" He asks.

"Yes, I have the cash," I reply.

We both look up and down the parking lot, I hand an envelope over to him. He opens it looking at the bills, then puts it in his pocket, "OK, let's make the exchange."

I watch as a large burly man gets out of the truck, moves the item from the bed of his truck to the bed of my truck. We both look at each other.

"Thank you for doing business with me," He says with a wink. "I have more."

I reply, "I'll be in touch."

Thursday, February 8, 2018

WTF - Home Remedy for Female Eyes Only

Do the past two days, I've wanted to take a blow torch to my hoo hoo. And ya'll understand what I mean if you are female. If you are male and love all the ladies in your life, you may not want to read on.

Yeast Infection.  There I said it.  Say it with me ladies
Yeast Infection.

Itching in places you cannot scratch. I'm not sure which is worse, when the roof of your mouth itches or your hoo hoo itches? What do you think?

How did this happen to me? I'm surprisingly clean from my vaginal steaming? What's that? Click here for my review of vaginal steaming.

So I do what I normally do - start with the natural remedy, right?


That's everything I read. If you are a vampire and get a yeast infection you are screwed because every remedy included garlic.

Whole or crushed? Powder or cloves?

Eat lots of garlic was what I thought I read, but it was a little more complicated than that.

Here's your remedy.  Take a clove of garlic, peel it, tie a string around it and

Stick it up there.  Yes, I read that part twice.

Up where? I wondered, then the picture that came up on the internet shocked me! She needs to shave!

OK, I'm a modern woman, I can try this. Plus I didn't feel like driving off the mountain for the drug store.

I find the garlic in my spice drawer and it's growing a nice plant. I got back to instructions, that's OK, you can still use it.

First peel the garlic. Then tie a string around it. This is not as easy. Did you know garlic peeled is slippery and I didn't have any string except for dental floss that was waxed? After several failed attempts, I finally got the turkey needle out (because that's the only one I can thread) and stuck it through the garlic, tying the knot.

Then you're supposed to stick it up there.  Guys if you've made it this far you might as well finish the blog. I'm looking at the little piece of garlic thinking, "I've had two kids, I think I'm gonna need a bigger piece of garlic."

I'm getting ready to do this but read another important part of the remedy, you do this at night.

At night? To keep the vampires away? No.

Did you know that your HaaHoo is directly connected to your mouth (there is a joke there somewhere and I think it has to do with well, I'll let your mind join mine in the gutter if it goes there) So once you add the garlic to the mix you'll taste garlic as long as it is in place. Ewww, so that's why they do it at night, you'll sleep through the garlic taste.

So I put it where it's supposed to go and it comes right back out again. I guess my Kegel exercises are working! Let's try this again. There it goes! Time for bed and waking up refreshed and itch free!

I try to sleep a burning sensation is churning down there. Garlic burns perhaps that is why vampires hate it? This burns for a while but I am a positive person, the burning is better than the itching, am I right?

I go all night dreaming of Italian food with the taste of garlic in my mouth!

The next morning, the instructions say, just pull the string and Voila! It's out!  So I pull the string and the string comes out.

Oh shit! I'm going to taste garlic for the rest of my life! I go to the trouble shooting section.

What to do if the garlic didn't come out!

Their first instruction was Don't Panic! My thought is "I'm way past that."

I read, it can't get lost, it's in there you'll have to look for it.

What the hell does that mean? It can't get lost? 

"Act like you are going number two and that should bring it out," the instructions say.

So I sit on the toilet and read my phone but nothing happens. Guess I'm looking for it. It crossed my mind to ask the hubby for help as a joke, but he probably wouldn't think this was very funny.

After a few prayers and a little searching, I find it! And both the piece of garlic and I sigh in relief!

Conclusion: It actually worked but I can still taste garlic.

Benefits: Cheaper than the drug store.
I didn't have to leave the mountain.
I made Italian food for three straight days 
Learning my anatomy when it got lost.

Cons: Learn how to tie a knot better.

Oh and By The Way: You can just use these directions. Don't Google Garlic for Yeast Infections because not only will your HooHoo burn but your eyes will burn.  You're welcome.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

WTF - Tide Pods

I think it's amazing that in 2018 our kids now feel the need to wash their own mouths out with soap.

With out being told to do so.....

What the hell is up with the Tide Pod Challenge?

All of us Moms have already been through the first 5 years of their lives trying to keep them from dying from eating anything poisonous, and now they do it in their teenage years on purpose?

Is it the pretty colors?

It is because it looks so light and fluffy?

Is it because you are an idiot?

Likes and shares on YouTube are not the reason to eat a Tide Pod. Do something smarter like a snowboard trick, or slack line, or climb a tree. Don't eat something that could potentially poison you.

I can't believe I am saying this.

Luckily my kids have some semblance of intelligence.

"Kids, don't eat Tide Pods."

"Geez Mom, that's stupid, you know Gain Pods taste so much better," My Smartass son. "It's clean eating for 2018."

"Did you know that some kids like putting UnStoppables like Dippin Dots on their Tide Pods," Smart Ass number two answers.

"Or that pretty pink Antifreeze liquid," Smart Ass Number One replies.

"Yeah, and it's keeping us away from Meth," My other smartass son.

"No seriously, I''m counting the Tide Pods on the washing machine, if there is one missing, I'm going after you two."

"What if we decided to do our laundry?" Smart Ass Number One Asks.

That will never happen. But wait, what if they actually do their laundry?

"Then I'll put a Tide Pod Sign Out Sheet on the washing machine and I can tell by the smell of your room that you've washed clothes, there's no fooling me." I reply.

"I've read that Tide Pods work good in the bath, better than epsom salts," Smart Ass number two says.

"Eat them with ketchup and they'll get the stains right our of your teeth, "Smart Ass Number One adds. "Clean and sparkly."

"With a side of Comet, it dissolves in water," Smart Ass Number Two says.

"OK, that's it. I'm putting the Tide Pods in my underwear drawer with the leftover drugs," I say looking at them. "Can't believe I'm still trying to keep you alive. I thought you grew out of that."

"There's drugs in the drawer? What happened to your Meth?" Smart Ass Number One says.

Shit, I'm just flushing everything down the toilet. At least it will keep it clean and sparkly.

Thursday, January 25, 2018

WTF - I'm Not That Kinda Mom

So I was informed this morning that I don't make "cool" lunches?


"Hugsly's Mom makes him sandwiches with tomato and lettuce and Garlic Pepper Aioli and all I get is ham and cheese."

So I said,

"Well of course she does, she named him Hugsly."

Then I added, "If you don't like my lunches you can make your own."

Then I made him a special lunch.

I took his ham and cheese sandwich and cut it into a star, ok sort of

adding a note saying,

"This is your special treatment."

I love you son.

You're lucky you're cute.

Any recipes for Garlic Pepper Aioli out there?

Or suggestions for the Special Treatment lunch?

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

WTF - Boobs Part Two - Mom Boobs

Disclaimer: Childbirth is a beautiful thing. If you haven't experienced this yet, you may not want to continue.

Don't say I didn't tell you.....

After the training bras, into the real bras, then onto the sports bras, right?

Everything was going just fine until I moved into Mom boobs. This is the point in life where your boobs become foreign objects, they don't belong to you anymore.

It starts with pregnancy, I'm not sure how anyone could not know they are pregnant because your boobs blow up to the size of footballs and hurt even worse.

Your husband follows you around the house, hands out and you just say, "If you even think of touching these things I will KILL you."

Your beautiful lacy training bras move into maternity bras, large cups of brushed metal along with a series of pulleys and ropes helping hold everything in place. But later in the pregnancy it becomes more comfortable because your belly creates a nice shelf for the footballs.

Wolfgang Circa 2001
Then the baby comes and you're introduced to the "Boob Nazi" ( as my husband called her) in the hospital. I'm trying to be all sweet with the baby, figuring this thing out. She walks in grabs my boob, shoves the baby's face on it saying, "See, it's easy." Both my husband and I stared at her, scared.

But she helps me get the job done until I get home and as mother's know, the milk comes in.

I thought my boobs were big with pregnancy, oh shit, wait until you're ready to nurse. The baby is screaming, I'm trying to find a tic tac on a football, my sweet husband is following me around the house reading me passages out of the book "Breastfeeding with Love."

I stop and look at him saying, "If you don't stop reading that book, I'm shoving it up your ass."

We go back to the Boob Nazi and she tells me I have to be confident. Confident about what? She grabs my boob again (I'm getting used to this, my boobs aren't my own anymore) and slams the baby on it. See, no problem.

The beginning is not pleasant but your body gets used to it, my husband came home from work as I walking around the house with no top on. His eyebrows go up, I say, "No it's not for you. It just feels so much better just airing them out." (them? right, they're foreign objects now) Poor husbands, they go through all this and still chase us around the couch later on!

Did I mention nursing bras have more ropes and pulleys, along with a nice padding system to them?

When we both finally decide we've had enough of this nursing thing, then comes the waiting for everything to go away stage. Footballs turn into basketballs and the poor hubby can't touch anything! I finished this cycle going to the grocery store for cabbage, someone told me putting cabbage leaves on your boobs helps hurry the end of nursing along. I don't think that cashier ever forgot me.

Dolly Parton buying 4 heads of cabbage with cash. The poor boy couldn't look at my face and dropped my change at least three times (I think the last time was on purpose.)

Then they become the banana boobs, but don't worry there's a bra for that. This one involves velcro, rubber bands, and spandex.

That's where the boob surprises start,

I've found food in my bra, a forgotten pacifier, a matchbox car and of course lots of throw up!

Do you remember the good old "Mom Boob" Days? Or better yet, what have you found in your bra?

Friday, January 19, 2018

WTF -Vaginal Steaming

I'm all about the home remedies and letting nature take its course, but during my yoga studies I came across the practice of vaginal steaming.

Of course I do what every reading this is going to do,

google how to vaginal steam:

And I found a YouTube! "How to turn your ottoman into a vaginal steam pot!"


Of course there are over the counter products, like this one.
Then you can buy the whole kit if needed.

I love the tag line, "You steam vegetables, why not steam your vagina!"

I went back to basics of V-Steaming and why people do this:

Increase fertility? No, I don't need V-Steaming.
Help with hemorrhoids? I thought we were talking about the other side?

The article listed all the usual benefits:
Regular periods (I lost that in my 40's)
Lessening periods (what periods?)
Speed healing after birth (don't need that)
A relaxing, pleasant time with you and your vagina.

Wait, what?

I thought I'd try this out and see if everyone saying this natural remedy is perfect for your body was right.

Do not do this at home kids.

First for maximum comfort you can steam through your bathroom toilet seat or cut a hole out of a plastic lawn chair.

Wait, what? I'm not ruining a perfectly good chair.

Ah, here is the squat over the pot YouTube, perfect.

Boil water, add your essential oils.

Pour into to the pot.

Squat over the pot covering everything with plastic wrap (Sounds serial killer to me) I chose to use a towel.

Relax and enjoy the steam bath.

My first thought was, "Well this is kind of relaxing. My Vagina seems happy. And I'm squatting so I'm working my leg muscles. Winning."

Then 5 minutes later, I'm like, "Ow this shit is burning my baby."

Another five minutes into it, I'm thinking, "What essential oil did I use, I'm itching down there."

Another five minutes I wished I'd cut the hole in the lawn chair, my legs were shaking and everything was dripping. But I still think my vagina was happy?

That's as far as I got. I'm not going to spend the money for the commercial kit because space in my house it limited.

I had a better idea.

I'm buying that portable clothes steamer, it's cheaper and it's

Here I am saying, "Sorry honey, I know it's date night, but I'm going to stay home and steam my vagina."

Have you ever steamed your vagina?