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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Friday, June 16, 2017

WTF - Funerals and Sex

Gotta love writing groups, one of my favorite prompts evah!!!!

Things you can say during sex and during a funeral:

So if you offend easy, move on dear friend because I'm having a little fun with this one.

Too soon

I'm so sorry, were you close?

I knew him well.

Do you need a tissue?

Geez, how much longer is this gonna last?

I'm hungry

What a pretty pearl necklace

I'm so glad you came.

Normally I'm not a cryer but this one got to me.

Thank you for coming, there's drinks and food after.

I'm so sorry, I always say the wrong thing.

He's in a better place now.

I'm only staying if there's food.

This would be easier if I didn't see your body.

I'm glad is was quick at the end.

Looks like everything's covered.

We need more tissues!

I think it was the second stroke that did it.

Should I say something?

Why does this take so long? I'm bored.

He looks so small in there.....

Look who just walked in!

It's been so long, I barely recognize him.

And of course,

Where are we going to eat after this?

Friday, June 9, 2017

WTF - I Have DCD

I just realized I have OCD, Obsessive Cleaning Disorder.

Before you invite me over to your house so I'll clean it, let me explain.

Typical cleaning day:

I go downstairs to grab something out of my garage freezer.

Notice someone left toilet paper scraps on the floor of the bathroom, go looking for the broom.

Notice the dust pan is missing but still sweep the scraps to the side, looking for the dust pan

Notice they are out of toilet paper.

Walk upstairs for toilet paper, notice the toilet needs cleaning.

Clean the toilet, smell bleach, wonder if I moved the wash to the dryer.

Move the wash, some of the cushions of the downstairs couch are on the floor.

Pick up the cushions notice the crumbs and wrapper stuck in the couch.

Go find the vacuum, vacuum out the couch, find a moldy yogurt spoon.

Take the spoon upstairs, open the dishwasher it's clean.

Empty the dishwasher including the soap dish from the bathroom

Take the soap dish to the bathroom, the sink needs cleaning.

Clean the sink including child's retainers, taken them down stairs.

Realize you forgot the toilet paper you went upstairs an hour ago to retrieve, 

Go back upstairs looking at your floor through the railing noticing dust bunnies.

Go into the kitchen for the broom, find both dust pans on one broom.

Walk the dust pan back downstairs the dryer beeps, fold the whites.

Take the kitchen towels upstairs noticing dust bunnies as you look at the floor through the railing

Sweep the upstairs, find some children's shoes, take them downstairs.

Use the downstairs bathroom, cussing as you realize you still haven't replaced the toilet paper.

Use the toilet scraps because you're desperate.

Go pour a glass of wine.

So you may not want my work in your house, I work hard but nothing gets finished.

I guess you could call it DCD Dissociative Cleaning Disorder......

or rather, let's call it multi-tasking - I'm busy cleaning something else until I remember what I was doing in the first place.

Then repeat the process again.

What is your cleaning ritual?

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

WTF - School's Out!

Here we go - Summer Vacation! (insert controlled sob here)

Summer break means going from saying, "Today is September 26th right?" to
"I don't know, I think we're into June, right?"

It means making adventurous plans in June then trying to cram them into the three last days of break before school starts.

It teaches you a new appreciate for teachers.

It helps you understand why some animals eat their young.

How do you prepare?

Day One - Sleep In. Really, turn off all the alarms and sleep in.

Then wake up at 530am in a panic you're going to be late for school.

Realizing it is summer break - and you can GO BACK TO SLEEP!

Grocery Store Run -

Is it a coincidence the grocery store is having a massive wine sale the same week the kids are out of school?

I think not.

$200 dollars worth of groceries, $197 dollars of that in snacks. This is the first of many grocery trips with the kids meaning,

Watch everything they put in the cart, "We don't need a 10lb of Beef Jerky, No I'm not buying Starbucks Frappachinos, take that collection of snack size bags of Doritos and get a regular bag, it's cheaper. Who added the 12 pack of ping pong balls to the cart?"

Be thankful you're not making lunches every day realizing you are making lunches every day, but at home.

Meal Prep -  2 boxes of pasta, 2 lbs of taco meat, 1 Shepherds Pie, 1 pot of Chili.

Rather than giving my children a PopTart and feeding them for a day, I'm teaching them how to cook PopTarts and relaxing most of my summer break.

Day 2 - Open your eyes at 530a and curse because you're body is used to getting up early.

Find wrappers all over the house.

The refrigerator is empty.

Someone walks by saying, "I'm bored."

Realize teachers are grossly underpaid.

Pray the wine sale at the grocery store lasts three months.

Have you made any summer break plans?

How will you survive?

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

WTF - My Shit List

Do you know your Shit?

My Shit List for my Children:

Stop breaking Shit

Playing with my Shit

Acting like a Shit
Stop giving each other Shit

Losing their Shit

Put their Shit away

Don't make me loose my Shit!

But if you think about it, there's really a lot more to Shit than just Shit.

One can be "the Shit."  "Have you watched the new Thor? Because he's the Shit."

Shit can also be known: "Have you asked her about wine? She knows her Shit."

A person can be a Shit Stirrer, or Full of Shit or a Crock of Shit.

You can be a Good Shit, or Deep In the Shit or just need to get your Shit Together.

You can Scare the Shit out of Someone or just Scare Them Shitless as a result Giving Them The Shits.

There is the Tough Shit, because you don't Give A Shit.

Really! No Shit!

Honestly, Shit Happens and when Shit Hits the Fans you could be up Shit Creek.

Holy Shit! Some people have Shit for Brains and can't Shoot The Shit.

So people Shit or Get Off The Can!

Know your SHIT!

Because honestly, I'm too sober for this Shit!

Saturday, May 27, 2017

WTF - Kids and Buttons

Thought I would share my wake up call this morning on the way to school!

We were driving to school in my rental car, a Dodge Charger.

Max, "What does that SOS button do?"

Me, "Don't touch......"

"911 what is your emergency?"

Me, "Uh, sorry child, button, had to press it."

Operator, "Don't worry, happens all the time."

What is it about kids with buttons?

Thursday, May 25, 2017

WTF - The Best Self Help Books Out There

Ya'll know I've got a few years on me, even though I still get carded every once in a while (OK, who's paying those cashiers to make me feel good?)
Yes, this is an actual book I read

I'm redoing all those self help books and thought I would share a few of my new titles:

Book I Read: The Breastfeeding Mom/Baby Connection.
Book I'd write - Breastfeeding for Dummies or how to get your child to find that tic tac at the end of a football.

Book I read - Hands On Healing For Children
Book I'd write - Stop Crying, You're Fine.

Book I Own - Natural Remedies For Everyday Situations
Book I'd Write - Do We Really Have To Go To The Emergency Room?

Book I Read - How To Survive the Teenage Years
Book I'd Write - You Did What?

Book I Read - How To Be A Good Listener.
Book I'd Write - What? or, "How to Look Like You Are Listening"

Book I Read - SuperFood For Your Family
Book I'd Write - No, I Am Not A Short Order Cook

Book I Read - Finding Balance In The Family
Book I'd Write - You'll Get What You Get and Not Pitch A Fit.

Book I Read - Family Time Is A Good Time
Book I'd Write - Best Hiding Places For Moms

Book I read - Your Spouse, Your Best Friend
Book I'd Write - Who Pulled Off My Covers

Book I read - You Are A Good Mom
Book I'd write - Screw It, Go Ahead Have the Glass of Wine.

Book I Read - How To Host A Successful Book Club
Book I'd Write - What Happens At Book Club Stays at Book Club

Another great real book!

Book I Read - Communicating With Teenagers
Book I'd Write - Go Ahead, Do It. Whatever.

Book I Read - Vacation Planning Tips For The Family
Book I'd Write - Well That Didn't Go As Planned.

Book I Read - How To Keep A Secret
Book I'd Write - Funny You Should Ask

Book I Read - Southern Cocktail Recipes
Book I'd Write - I Only Had One

Book I'm Currently Reading - Yoga Sequencing
Book I'd Write - Poses to Hold In A Fart

Book I Got In The Mail - Your Guide To AARP
Book I'd Write - How To Not Act Your Age

Finally, if you still need a few good suggestions for great parenting reading, here's a list of books I can relate to, right up my sense of humor alley.
Parenting Book Parodies

 I've moved past most of them, I'm already ahead in the wisdom arena.

My first book of blog postings called Snot and Tears

my recent one

That Grey Area - If Life is Supposed to Be Black Or White, Why Am I In That Grey Area.

Any new titles you'd like to add to my bookshelf on life?

Sunday, May 21, 2017

WTF - What Does Being An Adult Mean?

Just remembered I'm an adult and had a small panic attack about this.

Is this adulting thing really worth it? Because I am wondering......

Being an Adult means you'll never have anything new as the rest of the family sucks up your resources. We've now become sponsors of our children, "M&D Racing."

Being and adult means coffee is your primary beverage because you'll never make it through the day after worrying about your kids all night without it.

Being an adult means you're the only one that sees the pee on the toilet seat or worse yet you're the only one who doesn't see it and sits in it.

Being an adult means telling your child to use their "inside voice" then catching yourself screaming at them.

Being an adult means you have to plan your Friday night because you have a lot of kid shit to do starting early Saturday morning.

Being an adult means accepting and trying to communicate with teenagers then realizing you are actually the adult.

Being an adult means a great Friday night excursion with the hubby involves Lowes.

Treating your kids involves candy, treating yourself involves wine.

Being an adult means loving the little things, like going to the bathroom by yourself.

Being an adult means you have to wear real pants and with those pants comes responsibility.

Being an Adult means realizing you now enjoy spanking and naps that you hated as a child.

Being an Adult means seeing going to bed early as an ACCOMPLISHMENT!

So really, this adulting thing is for the birds, once I complete my panic attack you'll find me in my fort with a pint of ice cream and a large glass of wine.

When did you realize you were an adult?