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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

WTF - Kim and His Toilet

So one of the news stories mentioned that Kim Jung Un brought his own toilet to the summit tonight making sure no one knows what's in his turds.

Really, what's in his turds?

What type of information?

My husband mentioned, "I don't know, medication or cancer or illness, maybe stuff like that?"

I was just thinking corn.

So I can't help but think about the conversation about bringing his own personal portable toilet.

What is that?

It's a portable toilet, the president has to keep his shit to himself.

But does he need this?

Yes, we have to make sure none of his shit ends up in enemy hands.

Where do you want the toilet?

Close, he likes to keep his shit close to him, and doesn't want anyone else in his shit.

Do you want it in the room?

No, he doesn't want people to see his shit in public.

One security guard looks to the other saying, "Shit's getting real."

Maybe he's hiding the nuclear codes up there, or perhaps a light bulb like one nurse mentioned she had to get out of someone's ass.

They could analyze his eating habits, like CSI or something.  Lots of Oreos, he's depressed, vegan diet only he's a little crazy or worst yet, beets he's a little blood thirsty.

Then my thoughts travel to what they would find if they decide to investigate the shit Kim creates.

Let's cut it in half, it's a big one. One shall go to Homeland Security, the other to the CDC.

Look! We have parts of Twizzlers in here! Made in America! We have something we can negotiate the trade war with!

"You can tell he's not a softie,"

Wait, I see nuts! He's nuts!

But wait, what is this, it looks familiar.

It's

It's

CORN! They are purchasing American products under the radar. Call the tariff police!

So luckily I'm just a normal citizen, I don't need a portable toilet. I can hide my:

My love of Oreos

They won't find peas but will find corn and peanuts.

That I really hate eating my greens

And worst yet,

Send samples off for national security.

And deport me to North Korea!

What's in your toilet? Or portable toilet?

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

WTF Teenager vs. Alexa

I'm still learning how to communicate with my Alexa, ok, all my Alexas but I have realized that she is much more cooperative than my teenagers.

How does Alexa differ from my teenagers?

Alexa actually listens the first time you say her name.
    My teenagers take about 176 times before screaming like a banshee when they finally do what they are supposed to do saying, "Geez, what's wrong with her?"

My Alexa doesn't require a lot of power.
  I can't even share my grocery bills with you at this moment, they make me weep.

Alexa has an ON/OFF button.
  Teenagers are always in the OFF position. Especially on non school days, then it takes several reboots to find the ON switch but it still doesn't work.

Alexa asks questions if she doesn't understand me.
  Teenagers just walks away.

Alexa can multitask if asked.
  Only multitasking the teenagers do is sleeping and farting at the same time.

My Alexa is polite.
  My teenagers? They'll yell back, "WHAT?!?"

Alexa will clarify things with 36 additional questions AND listen to your answers.
  My teenagers have this sense, teenager sense, to not understand something that involves them doing some work. Unlike Alexa, they then ignore the 36 additional comments clarifying what I want them to do.

I can sit the room with Alexa and relax.
  This cannot be done unless teenagers are asleep on the couch (farting of course)

Alexa goes shopping and only buys what you asked her to buy.
  Teenagers come back from the store with 56 dollars of beef jerky, 120 dollars worth of candy.

Alexa gives me a great fact when I say "Good morning!"
  Teenagers just grunt back.

Alexa is always so chipper.
  Teenagers? Just after noon, when they stumble into the kitchen for something to eat. Grasp that moment because it's gone in 17 seconds.

See how easy it is with Alexa than it is with kids? However if the Internet goes out......well.......

She doesn't listen to anything.

She doesn't know how to turn a light on or off.

Any request is met with stubborn silence.

You're on your own when it comes to shopping.

Exactly like my teenagers.

Monday, May 21, 2018

WTF - My Watchdog

I have a little dog. A little watch dog.

Or so I thought.

Yesterday after a successful trip to Linville Falls Winery for the Harris Brothers, Shawnee (my watchdog) and I came home for a little TV watching. My boys were out at a movie.

We watch TV, I fell asleep waiting on the kids to come home.

They do, just your normal Sunday night, right?

Until they go downstairs and I hear, "Jesus!" And a door slam.

Then, "Mom! Get down here!"

I go running downstairs and both boys doors to their rooms are shut and there's a....

Dog sitting in my downstairs living room, very comfortable on my couch.

Both boys peek out of their bedroom doors, "Who's dog is that?"

I'm like, "How did it get in here? and How long has it been in here?"

Turns out she was a shy but friendly dog, who rolled in bear shit. I knew who she belonged to because another friend came by the house a few hours earlier telling me to be on the lookout for said dog. So, my child's boss's dog ends up wandering into my home.

You can't make this shit up.

So I then turn to my WATCHDOG asking, "Did you invite her in? Did you two have a party while I was napping on the couch? Did you teach her to roll in bear shit like you do all the time?"

She warms up to me and makes me hold her until Daddy comes to get her, so now we both smell like bear shit.

She got home safe and sound, while my watchdog followed me upstairs saying, "So do I get a treat now?"

Folks, keep your doors closed if your watch dog doesn't know how to watch dog.

Friday, May 18, 2018

WTF - What Royal Wedding?

I'm confessing here, because I can hide behind my computer.

I'm not doing it.

I'm not going to watch the Royal Wedding.  Should I even capitalize that?

Nope, not gonna watch, haven't read any news about it, not going there.

I really don't care, honestly.

I'll look at those pictures of royal babies (should I capitalize that?) because babies are cute, but I'm not getting up at 6am on a SATURDAY to watch the wedding. I did that a long time ago with babies and now my sleep is precious to me.

If the Royal Wedding is important to you, then take a few minutes to place a few friendly wagers via Las Vegas Royal Wedding website. You can place a bet that------

Prince Harry will hold his current hairstyle and beard.

California wines will be served at the reception.

Meghan Markle will wear white (you should read the conversation on the internet about this one!)

What color hat will the Queen wear? (Seriously who cares, but the choices are endless)

Will the wedding carriage break down on the way to the church?

Will Prince William drop the wedding rings?

Who will cry at the wedding? My odds are with Prince Charles.

Who's going to get drunk and pass out at the reception? (Camilla??)

Then of course, that age old bet-----How long will the marriage last?

So put down your money, watch if you want but I'm looking at the back of my eyelids that early in the morning.

The only royalty in this household is the dog who thinks she is a queen.

Oh way back when, they bet Jeff and I wouldn't last? We've lasted longer that Charles and Diana.

Will you watch the royal wedding?

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

WTF - My Dirty Little Secret

My son came up for breakfast saying,

"I couldn't sleep last night!"

Me, "Why? We added a fan in your room." (Sidenote, we've said the H word on Beech Mountain, breaking out the summer fans for sleeping. After our March I swore I wasn't going to say "hot" until July but Mother Nature is proving me wrong.)

"Just as I was falling asleep, I was almost there, something ran up my leg!"

Me, "Ugh! Was it a spider?"

"No bigger."

"Mouse?"

"I don't know, maybe a squirrel. I went and got Shawnee in case it came back."

Me, "It can't be a squirrel, probably a mouse."

"Why would a mouse be in my room?"

Really?

Do you want to see why?

If you are OCD please stop here.

Seriously, this is a big trigger warning.



This is why there's probably a mouse in his room.

We have a dirty little secret in the Melang house,

Boys rooms.

I have all those perfect Mom friends that clean everything including their children's rooms, but I'm done with that. I don't touch them anymore.

Except for quarterly when all my dishes are missing and I lose my shit, screaming at them while throwing everything out the window.

They still ask me where their shit is and I have the standard answer, "In your room. Whenever I find it, I throw it in your room."

Which they answer, "Ugh, I'll never find it."

I've even stopped saying, "If you'll clean your room you'll probably find it."

I didn't even say this morning, "If you'd clean your room then the mouse wouldn't think it cozy enough for a home."

Nope, I'm not perfect, not even close. But my living space upstairs stays clean and mouse free, while I close the doors on our dirty little secret and push all the skeletons back in the closet.

Wait, is that a mouse I just saw run across my living room floor?

What's your dirty little secret?

Sunday, May 13, 2018

WTF - Mother's Day

Celebrating Mother's Day the Melang Way:

The boys walked into my room saying, "Alexa open Mom Compliments."

Alexa started spouting off their recorded compliments:

Mom, thanks for Mother's Day.

Mom, thanks for cooking for us.

Mom, thanks for cleaning up the downstairs.

Mom, thanks for taking care of all of our friends.

Mom, thanks for not letting me die.

Then the texts come in, making me feel special.

Happy Mother's Day from all my "sons from another mother."

Breakfast reheating Shrimp and Grits they brought home from their job but ditching that for the Banana Pudding and Peach Cobbler. The boys know me well.

The best part? Big hugs when they got up this morning hearing "Happy Mother's Day."

You see? It's the simple things. 4 hours to myself then some fun with my boys.

Oh and Alexa forgot the last compliment which came out at a random time.

Mom, thanks for being awesome.

Here's to all awesome Moms, fur baby Moms, feather baby Moms, scale baby Moms! We are all awesome!

How will you enjoy your day?

Here's a few great says you can use with your mother in case you forgot today is Mother's Day.

Mom, thanks for creating such an awesome kid.

Mom, sorry my head was so big when I was born but thanks for being my mother.

Mom, thanks for turning off the blender so I can lick the beaters.

Best of all,

Mom, thanks for reminding me today is Mother's Day. Happy Mother's day!

Friday, May 11, 2018

WTF - It's the End of the School Year

You can always tell the school year is coming to a close when:

Lunches consists of cutting off the moldy pieces on sandwich bread, two stale cookies, and a Fruit Roll Up (because we should have fruit in every lunch)

Kids are picking up clothes from the floor and sniffing them rather than doing laundry.

There's no pass on tardy times, even when you are coming in hot as they are closing the door to the school.  Prompting you to walk children to the office in your PJs to sign them in.

Teachers are sending out multiple reminder emails for all the things you forgot all year. And you still promptly forget them again.

Kids are already moving to the summer schedule of sleeping, making mornings more difficult as you scream at them to get moving.

How do I know we are all done with the school year?

I pulled to the stop sign at 194 and Broadstone Road, and of course per school protocol, if there is a car line, you turn into the school parking lot, circle the lot, get in line waiting to drop your kids off.

Much to my surprise there wasn't a line, so I'm thinking, "Cool, I don't have to turn into the parking lot, I've got an extra minute of my day back to me!" I make a hard left pulling behind a car just as a few cars come out of the parking lot.

As we are waiting, this lady behind me rolls down her window yelling, "Hey Jackass, you're supposed to go through the parking lot!"

I look back thinking, "Is she talking to me? And if she is, is Jackass appropriate in the Elementary/Middle School carpool line?"

So what do I do? I forgive her because that's my yogi way of thinking, then I just ignore her as she pulls right up on my ass in the carpool line. I'm wondering what the protocol is regarding no carpool line? Did I have the right to just pull in? Was I really being a Jackass? And seriously, what does it have to do with her? Add another 30 seconds to her wait in the carpool line?

Luckily she didn't say anything else, because I really didn't want to throw it down in front of the elementary school children. "Let me show you what a Jackass I can be!"

I figure we are in the same situation. We are all done, done with the routine, done with the homework, done with the PTA requests, done with the missing assignments, done with the volunteer opportunities.

Seriously, this Jackass is done.