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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Thursday, July 12, 2018

WTF - What's In Your Junk Drawer

Everyone has it. I'm not talking about cooties, I'm talking about the

dreaded junk drawer.

That place you throw everything that doesn't have a designated spot in your kitchen.

The black hole that fills,

and fills

and fills

until you can't shut it and it's time to clean it out.

I tell my boys, "Today's the day I'm cleaning out the junk drawer!"
They reply, "Which one?"

I have to do this alone because it's like my husband's box of wires and plugs. "Oh, we can't throw that out, you never knew when we may find a VHS without a plug." and "No, we can't throw that one out you still have your Suzie Homemaker Oven don't you?"

My children and their friends call the drawer the "treasure box" when they are bored they love going through the junk drawers looking for treasure. One actually found 5 dollars in MY drawer claiming finder keepers.  Honestly if you have bored teenagers, get out the junk drawer!

Junk drawers are full of memories you find around the house but can't throw out.

"Oh look it's the broken piece from Max's stick of awe. The one he made in 5th grade. I can't throw that out!"

or,

"Is that one of Max's baby teeth?"

There are also memories you can't remember:

"Anyone know what this key belongs to?"
Hubby, "Don't throw that out, you never know when we may have to unlock something."

After three hard pulls I finally get the drawer out, sitting on the kitchen table ready to go down this rabbit hole.

Batteries I'm pretty sure are dead, as my kids change batteries and throw the old ones back in the drawer.

Too many Post It Notes to count (Am I THAT forgetful?)

What's this? Snake in a can? Ahhh, sitting next to the fake poop.

Invisible Ink Pens - ahhh boys.

A number candle from someone's 3rd birthday
Enough soy sauce, mayonnaise, mustard, duck sauce packets for the apocalypse
Chop sticks
4 pairs of sunglasses
Sharpies, highlighters, glue sticks
A handcuff key?
Body Glide for Her - yeah thick thigh problem
Hand warmers
Way too many lip balms
A staple puller
A stapler with no staples
ONE domino
Pieces to a watch
several random cards
a test tube
A water syringe (don't ask)
Screws to something, I'll just wait for it to fall apart to realize.

Then finally underneath it all is the junk drawer organizer with a

A wine bottle stopper?

Finally!

Something to throw away!

I did find something cool I'd forgotten about.

A Cat PEN!

You're welcome!


Friday, July 6, 2018

WTF - SLOW DOWN!

As all know, it is the week of 4th of July, and that means lots of tourist up in our community! Summer season is in high gear and Since I just got my car back from the body shop, (not my fault this time, thank God!)  I thought I would share safe driving tips for Beech Mountain!

Every corner is a blind spot, you cannot see deer, bicyclist, lady walking her dog in a stroller, or even the errant skunk around those corners. I've told my son to stick to the main roads during tourist season and take the back roads if needed.

Tailgating can be hazardous to your health as most tourists will stop on a dime if they spot a baby deer or bear having a buffet with some restaurant's trash.

High beams help with night driving, but make sure you turn them off on the turns of Beech Mountain or at the approach of any car, this can be blinding to other drivers.

Remember everyone else is driving distracted. Momma is putting on her makeup while Dad is pointing out the deer to brother and sister fighting in the back seat. Dad throws on the brakes not to look at the deer but to turn around and slap anyone in the back seat. Keep your wits about you and your cellphone in the back seat.

Everyone up here assume the yellow lines in the road are a suggestion because we have narrow roads. If you are going around a corner stick to your side of the road, otherwise do whatever you want. This is how my car got hit, going around a corner and the dude was in the middle of the road on the other side. 

Going up the mountain doesn't mean 2 MPH, going down put your car in manual gear and use a lower gear for braking rather than your brakes. Your brakes will thank you and all the people behind you smelling burning brakes will also.

It is not necessary to use your turn signal on every switch back on the mountain, we are following you, we know where you are going.

Stop signs up here are not suggestions. Usually there is some type of blind spot. If there is, inch a little out and if someone from FLA is there, you'll hear them. (They love their horns)

How to be a courteous driver on Beech Mountain:

There is no leash law on Beech Mountain, that does not mean the dogs are homeless. Some dogs like to roam a little before traveling back home. If you are unsure about a found dog take it over to the police department. Do not take the dog back with you to Miami then call the owner. (Yes, this actually happened. My dog ended up in Banner Elk)

If you are on a gravel road and someone is walking, slow down so you don't kick up as much dust. Our wonderful mail men, stop until you pass by keeping down the dust inhalation.

Stick with the speed limit and limit Tokyo Drifting around the corners. Along with the possibility of running off the road because the opposite driver was in the middle of the road around a corner.

Just because it is summer, that doesn't mean you let your gas tank run low. There are no gas stations on Beech Mountain, and hoping you can drift down the mountain for gas seldom works.

If someone is waving to you as you drive a back road, they are not saying hello. They are showing you they are there. Or, they are asking you to slow down for a deer, dog or skunk about to spray. I had someone waving to me on one back road, I stopped and said, "Are you all right?"

"SLOW DOWN!" They yelled back.

If you are a visitor and traveling off the mountain, and a car with a NC plate comes up behind you hot, this is usually a local trying to get kids to school, off to job, or off to the hospital. If you want to take your time and not have them breathing down your throat, move to the side on a switch back. If they are not yelling at their children, they'll probably hang out the window and yell THANKS!

Some people like to walk their dogs with their car.  No kidding, I've seen a dog run past my house on the road with the owner following behind in the car. 

Better yet, park the car in the driveway and simply relax and enjoy the beauty that is Beech Mountain. Or as most of our tourists yell, "SLOW DOWN!"

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

WTF - The Fifteen Minute Tour

I think the motto for my family is:

"Well, that didn't go as planned."



Case in point. My husband brought down a small sailboat (Escape) with the intention of sailing over to Shackleford Banks. Shackleford banks is an island about a 30 minute power boat ride from Beaufort.

He started with me, "You ready to sail with me to Shack?"

I immediately ignore him and act like there's some monster living in my coffee.

He turned as a child walked into the kitchen, the child heard the word "sailing" immediately disappeared back into his bedroom.

So the hubby is moving onto his brothers and sisters, immediately finding the first available guinea pig, his brother.

Here's the picture my honey had in mind sailing his sailboat:

Or maybe this.....


They pack a cooler - waters, beers, some snack crackers because you know it is a long way in a sailboat to Shackleford. The hubby already saying, "Just the power of the wind!

They apply sunscreen, grab hats, sunglasses, checking off a list before embarking on their tour.

My son and I say a small prayer as we watch them walk the boat down to the free dock.

20 minutes go by, and I go out looking for them but don't see them out in the waterway. "I wonder where they are?" Until I see a hint of the plastic sail by a boat before disappearing again.

 Another 30 minutes go by and there they are!

"Look! They are sailing!"



My son says, "Why is there so much water in the boat?"
"That's a good question." I reply.

So things didn't go as planned. My brother in law's version:

That damn plastic sail sounded like a jackhammer every time the wind hit it.  We couldn't get out of the boat dock. Every time I told Jeff we were getting ready to run into something he simply replied, "Don't worry about it!"

My hubby added, "I think we had a little too much weight. The pirate ship guy got a little concerned when we almost hit the boat with the kids on it. Blackbeard was yelling at us!

But we got out there! We were sailing!"

For a total of 20 minutes, 

then it all went down hill from there.

Brother in law, "I told Jeff his flip flops were floating out of the boat, he replied, "Don't worry about it!"

Then I told him we were sinking, he said, "Sinking about what?"

Jeff, "I told Erik we had too much weight in the back on the boat, so he moved up front and the entire front went under water, then I thought we were probably in trouble."

I pull us into the dock in front of Finz and the dock master comes running out saying, "What are you doing?!?"

I look up from the plastic sailboat and say, "Give me 150 gallons of fuel and a six pack of beer."

He looks as me like I was crazy, so I say, "Hey, it was an emergency."

"Get that boat out of here, there's a boat coming into this slip!"

So their sail to Shackleford turned into 20 minutes bouncing off two other boats until finally saving themselves at Finz!

 I'm shaking! The hubby says, his brother just shaking his head.

Later that night at a local bar, one of the bartenders looks at my husband saying, "Wait? Are you the dude that was sailing that little boat?"

They've become legend. Another guy in a bar said, "Oh yeah I saw that from my sailboat, I do believe you two ended up on my Snapchat story."

Things never seem to go as planned but then we wouldn't have the stories to laugh about in the bar!

Sometimes Plan B is a funnier alternative!

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

WTF - Kim and His Toilet

So one of the news stories mentioned that Kim Jung Un brought his own toilet to the summit tonight making sure no one knows what's in his turds.

Really, what's in his turds?

What type of information?

My husband mentioned, "I don't know, medication or cancer or illness, maybe stuff like that?"

I was just thinking corn.

So I can't help but think about the conversation about bringing his own personal portable toilet.

What is that?

It's a portable toilet, the president has to keep his shit to himself.

But does he need this?

Yes, we have to make sure none of his shit ends up in enemy hands.

Where do you want the toilet?

Close, he likes to keep his shit close to him, and doesn't want anyone else in his shit.

Do you want it in the room?

No, he doesn't want people to see his shit in public.

One security guard looks to the other saying, "Shit's getting real."

Maybe he's hiding the nuclear codes up there, or perhaps a light bulb like one nurse mentioned she had to get out of someone's ass.

They could analyze his eating habits, like CSI or something.  Lots of Oreos, he's depressed, vegan diet only he's a little crazy or worst yet, beets he's a little blood thirsty.

Then my thoughts travel to what they would find if they decide to investigate the shit Kim creates.

Let's cut it in half, it's a big one. One shall go to Homeland Security, the other to the CDC.

Look! We have parts of Twizzlers in here! Made in America! We have something we can negotiate the trade war with!

"You can tell he's not a softie,"

Wait, I see nuts! He's nuts!

But wait, what is this, it looks familiar.

It's

It's

CORN! They are purchasing American products under the radar. Call the tariff police!

So luckily I'm just a normal citizen, I don't need a portable toilet. I can hide my:

My love of Oreos

They won't find peas but will find corn and peanuts.

That I really hate eating my greens

And worst yet,

Send samples off for national security.

And deport me to North Korea!

What's in your toilet? Or portable toilet?

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

WTF Teenager vs. Alexa

I'm still learning how to communicate with my Alexa, ok, all my Alexas but I have realized that she is much more cooperative than my teenagers.

How does Alexa differ from my teenagers?

Alexa actually listens the first time you say her name.
    My teenagers take about 176 times before screaming like a banshee when they finally do what they are supposed to do saying, "Geez, what's wrong with her?"

My Alexa doesn't require a lot of power.
  I can't even share my grocery bills with you at this moment, they make me weep.

Alexa has an ON/OFF button.
  Teenagers are always in the OFF position. Especially on non school days, then it takes several reboots to find the ON switch but it still doesn't work.

Alexa asks questions if she doesn't understand me.
  Teenagers just walks away.

Alexa can multitask if asked.
  Only multitasking the teenagers do is sleeping and farting at the same time.

My Alexa is polite.
  My teenagers? They'll yell back, "WHAT?!?"

Alexa will clarify things with 36 additional questions AND listen to your answers.
  My teenagers have this sense, teenager sense, to not understand something that involves them doing some work. Unlike Alexa, they then ignore the 36 additional comments clarifying what I want them to do.

I can sit the room with Alexa and relax.
  This cannot be done unless teenagers are asleep on the couch (farting of course)

Alexa goes shopping and only buys what you asked her to buy.
  Teenagers come back from the store with 56 dollars of beef jerky, 120 dollars worth of candy.

Alexa gives me a great fact when I say "Good morning!"
  Teenagers just grunt back.

Alexa is always so chipper.
  Teenagers? Just after noon, when they stumble into the kitchen for something to eat. Grasp that moment because it's gone in 17 seconds.

See how easy it is with Alexa than it is with kids? However if the Internet goes out......well.......

She doesn't listen to anything.

She doesn't know how to turn a light on or off.

Any request is met with stubborn silence.

You're on your own when it comes to shopping.

Exactly like my teenagers.

Monday, May 21, 2018

WTF - My Watchdog

I have a little dog. A little watch dog.

Or so I thought.

Yesterday after a successful trip to Linville Falls Winery for the Harris Brothers, Shawnee (my watchdog) and I came home for a little TV watching. My boys were out at a movie.

We watch TV, I fell asleep waiting on the kids to come home.

They do, just your normal Sunday night, right?

Until they go downstairs and I hear, "Jesus!" And a door slam.

Then, "Mom! Get down here!"

I go running downstairs and both boys doors to their rooms are shut and there's a....

Dog sitting in my downstairs living room, very comfortable on my couch.

Both boys peek out of their bedroom doors, "Who's dog is that?"

I'm like, "How did it get in here? and How long has it been in here?"

Turns out she was a shy but friendly dog, who rolled in bear shit. I knew who she belonged to because another friend came by the house a few hours earlier telling me to be on the lookout for said dog. So, my child's boss's dog ends up wandering into my home.

You can't make this shit up.

So I then turn to my WATCHDOG asking, "Did you invite her in? Did you two have a party while I was napping on the couch? Did you teach her to roll in bear shit like you do all the time?"

She warms up to me and makes me hold her until Daddy comes to get her, so now we both smell like bear shit.

She got home safe and sound, while my watchdog followed me upstairs saying, "So do I get a treat now?"

Folks, keep your doors closed if your watch dog doesn't know how to watch dog.

Friday, May 18, 2018

WTF - What Royal Wedding?

I'm confessing here, because I can hide behind my computer.

I'm not doing it.

I'm not going to watch the Royal Wedding.  Should I even capitalize that?

Nope, not gonna watch, haven't read any news about it, not going there.

I really don't care, honestly.

I'll look at those pictures of royal babies (should I capitalize that?) because babies are cute, but I'm not getting up at 6am on a SATURDAY to watch the wedding. I did that a long time ago with babies and now my sleep is precious to me.

If the Royal Wedding is important to you, then take a few minutes to place a few friendly wagers via Las Vegas Royal Wedding website. You can place a bet that------

Prince Harry will hold his current hairstyle and beard.

California wines will be served at the reception.

Meghan Markle will wear white (you should read the conversation on the internet about this one!)

What color hat will the Queen wear? (Seriously who cares, but the choices are endless)

Will the wedding carriage break down on the way to the church?

Will Prince William drop the wedding rings?

Who will cry at the wedding? My odds are with Prince Charles.

Who's going to get drunk and pass out at the reception? (Camilla??)

Then of course, that age old bet-----How long will the marriage last?

So put down your money, watch if you want but I'm looking at the back of my eyelids that early in the morning.

The only royalty in this household is the dog who thinks she is a queen.

Oh way back when, they bet Jeff and I wouldn't last? We've lasted longer that Charles and Diana.

Will you watch the royal wedding?