Love and Romance in the time of CORONA

It was their first date. They sat at the table half inside the restaurant, half outside, inside a plastic bubble. The large plastic barrier sat between them. Tara thought Daniel was cute, what she could see behind the mask and plastic shield. She worried that the plastic face shield made her look fat.

The waitress came over in her Hazmat suit, a whiteboard in hand.

Can I take your drink order? She wrote.

Daniel looked to Tara, "Would you like a beer?"

"I'm 22 years," Tara replied.

"Beer?" He gestured like he was drinking, "Wine?"

The waitress wrote Would you like a beer or wine he said, then showed Tara the clipboard.

"Oh! Beer is fine," she shouted back.

"Me too. Sam Adams," Daniel said.

"What?"

He wrote Sam Adams on his whiteboard. The waitress nodded and went away.

Daniel turned to Tara, "I'm glad you came," he shouted.

"Me too," she yelled back.

The waitress came back with long metal rods with clamps on the end a beer on each one. She stepped back and put one in front of Daniel and one in front of Tara. Can I take your order she wrote on the whiteboard?

Daniel started, "She will have."

She gestured wildly with the whiteboard, "You can only order for yourself. We cannot let diners talk too much it could aid in transmission of the disease. You better hurry and order dinner ends in 30 minutes. She wrote sloppily.

Daniel said, "What? It's only 530?"

The waitress adjusted her plastic shield, "Curfew starts at 6." She wrote.

He looked at the menu, "I'll have the burger."

Tara said quickly, "I'll have the salad."

"I'm sorry, we are not serving greens tonight. The newest study said that if we carry greens the virus could be in the water droplets." The waitress wrote.

Tara frowned, "Then I'll take a burger also."

They took their beers and toasted in between the plastic between them. "So what do you do?"

"Do I have the flu?" Several patrons at the restaurant looked their way in terror. Daniel looked around, held his hands up, "NO! NO! I don't have the flu!" He looked over Tara, "What?"

"Work? Do you work?"

"OH, yeah. I sell cars."

"You're from Mars?" 

"Cars! Vroom! Vroom!" Daniel replied as he sighed.

The waitress came over with take out bags and put them on the table. Tara and Daniel looked at them confused.

"A customer tested with a temperature and they were inside the front door, so we have to close and sanitize," she slapped the check on the table and put a piece of plastic over it. "You can pay online when you get home."

The plastic between Tara and Daniel slowly went up as a voice came over the loud speaker, "MASK UP!"

They put their masks on, lowered the plastic over their face and picked up the take out. Daniel took a picture of the check with his phone and left it on the table.

There was a mad rush out of the restaurant, Tara got pushed into Daniel and blushed at the contact but he couldn't see it under the plastic. They walked back over to her car six feet apart not touching each other.

Finally, at her car, she turned to him, "I had a really good time."

"No, I don't have a dime."

"Time," she pointed to her wrist, "Time."

"Oh, can I Zoom you so we can finish our date together," Daniel asked?

"Yes, I would like that," she screamed.

They leaned in close and kissed mask to mask, plastic to plastic.

"I'll Zoom in fifteen minutes," he said and turned and walked down the street.

WTF - Why I Put Up Christmas Decorations Early

12:01 November 1st and as soon as I walk into Lowes Hardware there are Christmas trees everywhere! Seriously, the first truckload of Christmas trees has already traveled down Main Street Banner Elk.

Wait a minute, isn't it still fall?

Don't we have to get past Thanksgiving first?

My son sent me this.

Of course not, Hallmark has already started it's Christmas movies full of matching pajamas, hot cocoa in front of the fire, and of course horse-drawn sleighs.

Not me, I say. I'm keeping my fall decorations!

Until Mother Nature had a better idea.

Two days past Halloween every single flower on my mums was gone.

Eaten.

My hubby looked at the green stalks declaring, "Now that's a plant."

But I wasn't going to give up, I still had my pumpkins.....

Sort of.

I noticed one pumpkin had been attacked that night, the side of it looking like a werewolf from Halloween ripped it open. But that's OK, I just turned it around.

Until the next night, it was split open and someone feasted on its gooey insides.

Still undaunted I moved my last remaining pumpkin up on my deck, figuring that will keep it intact until Thanksgiving, right?

Wrong.

The squirrel was stealthy. I could see the pumpkin outside my kitchen window while I sipped my Pumpkin Spice coffee. Looked normal enough.

Until the head popped out.

Of the hole in the back. The damn squirrel was inside my pumpkin eating!

But that's OK, the outside still looked fine.

For two more days, then the entire thing collapsed.

Mums gone, pumpkins are gone. I put out my fake pumpkins, figuring that will last until Thanksgiving.

Right?

Nope, someone took them and made off with them.

I can see the bear looking at my pumpkins thinking, "Wow, those look perfect." Running off with them into the woods only to find they are made of styrofoam.

Oh well, I wonder if the animals eat mistletoe?

When do you officially give up on fall decorations and get out the Christmas tree?

WTF - Hello Summertime!

School is in the books, summer has officially started. Here's a few sayings you'll hear on a regular basis in my house!

Who's wet towel?
Are you contemplating life with the refrigerator door open?
You are hungry again?
Get back here, let me put sunscreen on you.
No, soda for breakfast is still not acceptable.
Go outside, don't spend all morning playing that computer game.
Who are you talking to on the Xbox?
You want to eat again?
Why are you up so early?
What is that smell?
If you swam in that bathing suit yesterday, it's clean for today.
Who left the trash on the back porch for the raccoons?
It is not my job to entertain you.
I don't care you don't want to go, get dressed.
Why is your brother mad?
Get up, don't sleep the morning away.
Is that blood or a marker?
I've got plenty of work around the house if you are bored.
Don't sit on the furniture with a wet bathing suit!
The kitchen is closed.
Listen, I don't want to feed the neighborhood.

WTF - Operation Clothing Rack Camouflage

My husband and I love shopping together, I think.

We ended today with him saying, "What happened to you? Where did you go?"

But, let me back up to:

Operation Clothing Rack Camouflage.

My version of what happened: 

I am the rabbit of shopping, I can scan and pick through a clearance bin within ten seconds knowing exactly what I want.  My husband is the turtle, looking at each piece, checking quality, reading laundry instructions AND determining best price.

I get bored waiting while he ponders 200 different ties, so I say, "Love of my life, I'm going to walk through the women's department."

It doesn't take me long to find the perfect shirt.

I try it on, it fits perfectly and is on SALE! It only took me fifteen minutes.

I go back to the ties, where did he go?

Walking around the department store I finally find him wandering like a zombie in the perfume second.

Why is he giving me the stink eye?

"Hey sweetie, look what I found on sale! Did you find anything?"

"No," he says.

"Really? But you had plenty of time?"

His Version:

He is looking for the best bargain in the clearance rack of ties.

I sabotage his search when he turns and I'm gone.

Where did I go?

He starts walking through the department store looking for me.

Was that me ducking behind an underwear clad mannequin cackling wildly?

Maybe I put on some of the department store clothes, camouflaging myself in a clothing rack?

Maybe I'm sitting in the middle of a circular clothing rack watching him walk by?

Could I be taking a nap in the ladies dressing room?

Where did I go?

Finally after all morning looking for me, he finds me walking to him without a care in the world holding a shirt.

Will she apologize for hiding from me?

"Where have you been?" she asks.

"Looking for you. Let's go."

"Did you find anything?" She asks.

"No," he says.

"Really? You had plenty of time?"

He thinks I'm keeping a few price tags in my pocket so I can attach them to my shirt and act like a mannequin hiding from him the next time around.

My evil plan for domination is WORKING!