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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Friday, June 16, 2017

WTF - Funerals and Sex

Gotta love writing groups, one of my favorite prompts evah!!!!

Things you can say during sex and during a funeral:

So if you offend easy, move on dear friend because I'm having a little fun with this one.

Too soon

I'm so sorry, were you close?

I knew him well.

Do you need a tissue?

Geez, how much longer is this gonna last?

I'm hungry

What a pretty pearl necklace

I'm so glad you came.

Normally I'm not a cryer but this one got to me.

Thank you for coming, there's drinks and food after.

I'm so sorry, I always say the wrong thing.

He's in a better place now.

I'm only staying if there's food.

This would be easier if I didn't see your body.

I'm glad is was quick at the end.

Looks like everything's covered.

We need more tissues!

I think it was the second stroke that did it.

Should I say something?

Why does this take so long? I'm bored.

He looks so small in there.....

Look who just walked in!

It's been so long, I barely recognize him.

And of course,

Where are we going to eat after this?

Friday, June 9, 2017

WTF - I Have DCD

I just realized I have OCD, Obsessive Cleaning Disorder.

Before you invite me over to your house so I'll clean it, let me explain.

Typical cleaning day:

I go downstairs to grab something out of my garage freezer.

Notice someone left toilet paper scraps on the floor of the bathroom, go looking for the broom.

Notice the dust pan is missing but still sweep the scraps to the side, looking for the dust pan

Notice they are out of toilet paper.

Walk upstairs for toilet paper, notice the toilet needs cleaning.

Clean the toilet, smell bleach, wonder if I moved the wash to the dryer.

Move the wash, some of the cushions of the downstairs couch are on the floor.

Pick up the cushions notice the crumbs and wrapper stuck in the couch.

Go find the vacuum, vacuum out the couch, find a moldy yogurt spoon.

Take the spoon upstairs, open the dishwasher it's clean.

Empty the dishwasher including the soap dish from the bathroom

Take the soap dish to the bathroom, the sink needs cleaning.

Clean the sink including child's retainers, taken them down stairs.

Realize you forgot the toilet paper you went upstairs an hour ago to retrieve, 

Go back upstairs looking at your floor through the railing noticing dust bunnies.

Go into the kitchen for the broom, find both dust pans on one broom.

Walk the dust pan back downstairs the dryer beeps, fold the whites.

Take the kitchen towels upstairs noticing dust bunnies as you look at the floor through the railing

Sweep the upstairs, find some children's shoes, take them downstairs.

Use the downstairs bathroom, cussing as you realize you still haven't replaced the toilet paper.

Use the toilet scraps because you're desperate.

Go pour a glass of wine.

So you may not want my work in your house, I work hard but nothing gets finished.

I guess you could call it DCD Dissociative Cleaning Disorder......

or rather, let's call it multi-tasking - I'm busy cleaning something else until I remember what I was doing in the first place.

Then repeat the process again.

What is your cleaning ritual?

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

WTF - School's Out!

Here we go - Summer Vacation! (insert controlled sob here)

Summer break means going from saying, "Today is September 26th right?" to
"I don't know, I think we're into June, right?"

It means making adventurous plans in June then trying to cram them into the three last days of break before school starts.

It teaches you a new appreciate for teachers.

It helps you understand why some animals eat their young.

How do you prepare?

Day One - Sleep In. Really, turn off all the alarms and sleep in.

Then wake up at 530am in a panic you're going to be late for school.

Realizing it is summer break - and you can GO BACK TO SLEEP!

Grocery Store Run -

Is it a coincidence the grocery store is having a massive wine sale the same week the kids are out of school?

I think not.

$200 dollars worth of groceries, $197 dollars of that in snacks. This is the first of many grocery trips with the kids meaning,

Watch everything they put in the cart, "We don't need a 10lb of Beef Jerky, No I'm not buying Starbucks Frappachinos, take that collection of snack size bags of Doritos and get a regular bag, it's cheaper. Who added the 12 pack of ping pong balls to the cart?"

Be thankful you're not making lunches every day realizing you are making lunches every day, but at home.

Meal Prep -  2 boxes of pasta, 2 lbs of taco meat, 1 Shepherds Pie, 1 pot of Chili.

Rather than giving my children a PopTart and feeding them for a day, I'm teaching them how to cook PopTarts and relaxing most of my summer break.

Day 2 - Open your eyes at 530a and curse because you're body is used to getting up early.

Find wrappers all over the house.

The refrigerator is empty.

Someone walks by saying, "I'm bored."

Realize teachers are grossly underpaid.

Pray the wine sale at the grocery store lasts three months.

Have you made any summer break plans?

How will you survive?

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

WTF - My Shit List

Do you know your Shit?

My Shit List for my Children:

Stop breaking Shit

Playing with my Shit

Acting like a Shit
Stop giving each other Shit

Losing their Shit

Put their Shit away

Don't make me loose my Shit!

But if you think about it, there's really a lot more to Shit than just Shit.

One can be "the Shit."  "Have you watched the new Thor? Because he's the Shit."

Shit can also be known: "Have you asked her about wine? She knows her Shit."

A person can be a Shit Stirrer, or Full of Shit or a Crock of Shit.

You can be a Good Shit, or Deep In the Shit or just need to get your Shit Together.

You can Scare the Shit out of Someone or just Scare Them Shitless as a result Giving Them The Shits.

There is the Tough Shit, because you don't Give A Shit.

Really! No Shit!

Honestly, Shit Happens and when Shit Hits the Fans you could be up Shit Creek.

Holy Shit! Some people have Shit for Brains and can't Shoot The Shit.

So people Shit or Get Off The Can!

Know your SHIT!

Because honestly, I'm too sober for this Shit!

Saturday, May 27, 2017

WTF - Kids and Buttons

Thought I would share my wake up call this morning on the way to school!

We were driving to school in my rental car, a Dodge Charger.

Max, "What does that SOS button do?"

Me, "Don't touch......"

"911 what is your emergency?"

Me, "Uh, sorry child, button, had to press it."

Operator, "Don't worry, happens all the time."

What is it about kids with buttons?

Thursday, May 25, 2017

WTF - The Best Self Help Books Out There

Ya'll know I've got a few years on me, even though I still get carded every once in a while (OK, who's paying those cashiers to make me feel good?)
Yes, this is an actual book I read

I'm redoing all those self help books and thought I would share a few of my new titles:

Book I Read: The Breastfeeding Mom/Baby Connection.
Book I'd write - Breastfeeding for Dummies or how to get your child to find that tic tac at the end of a football.

Book I read - Hands On Healing For Children
Book I'd write - Stop Crying, You're Fine.

Book I Own - Natural Remedies For Everyday Situations
Book I'd Write - Do We Really Have To Go To The Emergency Room?

Book I Read - How To Survive the Teenage Years
Book I'd Write - You Did What?

Book I Read - How To Be A Good Listener.
Book I'd Write - What? or, "How to Look Like You Are Listening"

Book I Read - SuperFood For Your Family
Book I'd Write - No, I Am Not A Short Order Cook

Book I Read - Finding Balance In The Family
Book I'd Write - You'll Get What You Get and Not Pitch A Fit.

Book I Read - Family Time Is A Good Time
Book I'd Write - Best Hiding Places For Moms

Book I read - Your Spouse, Your Best Friend
Book I'd Write - Who Pulled Off My Covers

Book I read - You Are A Good Mom
Book I'd write - Screw It, Go Ahead Have the Glass of Wine.

Book I Read - How To Host A Successful Book Club
Book I'd Write - What Happens At Book Club Stays at Book Club

Another great real book!

Book I Read - Communicating With Teenagers
Book I'd Write - Go Ahead, Do It. Whatever.

Book I Read - Vacation Planning Tips For The Family
Book I'd Write - Well That Didn't Go As Planned.

Book I Read - How To Keep A Secret
Book I'd Write - Funny You Should Ask

Book I Read - Southern Cocktail Recipes
Book I'd Write - I Only Had One

Book I'm Currently Reading - Yoga Sequencing
Book I'd Write - Poses to Hold In A Fart

Book I Got In The Mail - Your Guide To AARP
Book I'd Write - How To Not Act Your Age

Finally, if you still need a few good suggestions for great parenting reading, here's a list of books I can relate to, right up my sense of humor alley.
Parenting Book Parodies

 I've moved past most of them, I'm already ahead in the wisdom arena.

My first book of blog postings called Snot and Tears

my recent one

That Grey Area - If Life is Supposed to Be Black Or White, Why Am I In That Grey Area.

Any new titles you'd like to add to my bookshelf on life?

Sunday, May 21, 2017

WTF - What Does Being An Adult Mean?

Just remembered I'm an adult and had a small panic attack about this.

Is this adulting thing really worth it? Because I am wondering......

Being an Adult means you'll never have anything new as the rest of the family sucks up your resources. We've now become sponsors of our children, "M&D Racing."

Being and adult means coffee is your primary beverage because you'll never make it through the day after worrying about your kids all night without it.

Being an adult means you're the only one that sees the pee on the toilet seat or worse yet you're the only one who doesn't see it and sits in it.

Being an adult means telling your child to use their "inside voice" then catching yourself screaming at them.

Being an adult means you have to plan your Friday night because you have a lot of kid shit to do starting early Saturday morning.

Being an adult means accepting and trying to communicate with teenagers then realizing you are actually the adult.

Being an adult means a great Friday night excursion with the hubby involves Lowes.

Treating your kids involves candy, treating yourself involves wine.

Being an adult means loving the little things, like going to the bathroom by yourself.

Being an adult means you have to wear real pants and with those pants comes responsibility.

Being an Adult means realizing you now enjoy spanking and naps that you hated as a child.

Being an Adult means seeing going to bed early as an ACCOMPLISHMENT!

So really, this adulting thing is for the birds, once I complete my panic attack you'll find me in my fort with a pint of ice cream and a large glass of wine.

When did you realize you were an adult?

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

WTF - Spring and Eagle Talons

Spring is a time of change, away from the skiing of winter to:

Getting the machete out for the leg hair that kept you warm all winter.
Checking your hair color because you're not wearing hats all day.
I'll just leave any reference to armpits alone.

Spring is also where all the new animals peek out of their warm dens just like my white legs peeking out from a pair of shorts and,

the Eagle talons peeking out from my sandals.

Off to my first pedicure of the season, a little embarrassed I waited a little too long, but hey, I remembered to shave.

I always go to the same place because they call me "honey" it makes me feel special.

Pick out your color Honey.
Sit in this chair, Honey.
Turn on the massager Honey.
Pay your bill Honey.

It is such a relaxing experience, as my friend and I sit next to each other in chairs, the sweet ladies working on our toes talking to each other.

Then I wonder, "What do you think they are saying?"

"This is probably the worst Spring set of toes I've ever seen."
"Oh yeah, well you can tell the last time she cut her nails it was with a hacksaw."
"I feel like I'm digging to china cleaning out these sides."
"I'm gonna have to let her soak an extra 20 minutes but I don't think it's gonna help."
"Do you think I can get away with SnapChatting how bad these nails are?"

Then one looks at the other and they both laugh.

Maybe she said, "At least she shaved her legs."

Honestly, they probably were talking about the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie divorce and I'd have no idea.

Somehow I knew my pedicurist liked me, I mean, she calls me Honey. As my friend looked on she massaged my legs extra long (my poor friend got the spit shine) they both brought out hot towels and she massaged my legs again with the towel (my friend frowning) then after the towel adding some extra lotion and massaged them AGAIN (my friend was pissed, at this point she was already at the nail dryer.)

If you need a new Spring ritual and enjoy being called "honey" go get your nails done. If anyone asks why, just say it helps keep your feet healthy for running, biking, hiking etc.

Well heck, be honest, it's been a long time since someone's called you Honey.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

WTF - Redefining Wrinkles

I thought I would be honest about getting old, I mean, now that I'm finally 21.

Oh, I got carded at Walmart for my wine, just saying.

I pointed to my face saying, "With all these lines you think I'm too young to drink? These lines are the reason why I drink."

What lines do you say? Let's start around the eyes.

Those lines are the "You did WHAT?" lines, when they are walking in with that look of "I almost died" and of course they tell you exactly what happened.

"Max fell out of the tree, you should see how wide his eyes were when he couldn't breath," my eyes go wide.
"I was really lucky when the match fell into the wet grass lighting the firecracker in Max's hand," Eyes get narrow.

My eyes spend so much time going wide then narrowing I've got plenty of "You did WHAT?" lines around them.

Above the eyes is the forehead lines called the "What the hell?" These are deeper than the "You did What" lines and can disappear when your children are behaving. The number of "What the Hell" lines is directly proportionate to the number of children you have....

Below those is the beautiful long groove between my eyebrows I call the, "WHAT THE F*CK?" line.
This is created by both eyebrows going up as the eyes get wide while you're looking at your child saying, "What the......?"

I have two boys so the "WHAT THE F*ck?" line between my eyebrows is pretty deep and does not go away when they behave.

Around my mouth there is the "Wait till your father gets home" lines. There's a lot of those. That's from frowning at their explanation on why they did all their homework then "forgot" to turn it in. Or you're planning on company for dinner and after cleaning the house, they appear out of their rooms like with big smiles on their face holding mountains of laundry.

The boys call these my "vampire" lines because the one and only time I wear lipstick it seeps into those lines making them "scarier" according to the boys. They sure to know how to compliment.
The final lines are on my neck, are the "No" lines.
No, you cannot shave the dog.
No, you can't jump off the roof of the house onto the trampoline.
No, you cannot beat up your brother.
No, I am the only saying that word.

You'll notice the lines go only one way because I've spent all my life with kids saying, "No."

Luckily, there's plenty of "Laugh" lines around my mouth, because well, if you have kids, you realize the importance of a sense of humor!

I think I'll stop there, because moving below the neck involves looking up terms in National Geographic and explanations in Mad Magazine.

So for now, I'll grab my bottle of wine, put my ID away and not look back at the cashier in Walmart with a "What the F*ck?" Don't want to deepen that line.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Ways to Stay Alive During the Last Month of School

Here we are, less than one month left, the new December in May where you try to cram the entire school year into less than thirty days.  How do you survive?  Here's a few tips:

Lunches -
Go ahead and buy the pre-made stuff, your morning will thank you. You survived a school year of making healthful lunches you know their either gave to their friends or threw in the trash. I put half a rotisserie chicken in my teenager's lunch because it fit in the gallon Ziplock bag. Slim Jims, cheese, sandwiches, go healthy with precut carrots and don't forget dessert - they will get some calories out of the Little Debbie Oatmeal brownie even if they throw the rotisserie chicken away.

Getting up in the morning -
From the beginning of the school year waking them up an hour early so they can ease into their day to throwing a pot of cold water on them 15 minutes before leaving.

Clothes -
They go from laying out clothes the night before to the "sniff" test that morning. You're stepping over mountains of laundry just hoping for clean underwear. Absolutely refuse to do the "sniff" test on any teenager clothing, you will thank me!

Carpool -
Your kids won't care how late you are to carpool, this is their last days of standing outside in the sunshine talking to all the girls, I mean all their friends. So take the extra time at the grocery store finding all those pre-made items before picking them up.

Teacher Appreciation -
Early in the year it was the Pinterest inspired handsome craft for the teacher, oh who am I kidding? I left that at Kindergarten.  Don't forget to appreciate all those teachers who's names you can't remember by giving your children a bag of gift cards to hand out. Honestly, they want a gift card to a restaurant with a fancy bar more than the handmade pot with paper flowers. Better yet, your child will forget to give all the gifts to their teachers and you have a ready made party in a bag for summer!

Last Day of School -
Let them go in, smell and all, with a moldy ham sandwich and half a grape congratulating yourself on a job well done. Or better yet, check everyone's absences and see if they still have a few left, turning off the alarms if they do!

You survived 180 days of education, now onto letting their minds ferment for the three months of summer before realizing you have to cram an entire summer vacation into the last week!

Thursday, May 4, 2017

WTF - Mom Love and Light Translations

We, as Moms need help with our language when our kids piss us off, which is on a regular basis. So I thought I would give you love and light translations, in a good way creating that positive parenting relationship between you and your teenager:

Walking into the kitchen after they "made" dinner.
You say, "Wow, looks like you two were getting creative in here," rather than,
"What the F*ck?"

Walking into their bedrooms.
You say, "Wow, you may want to wash a load of laundry, do you have any clean clothes?"
rather than, "What the F*ck?"

When they look at you and say, "I'm bored."
You say, "Hi bored, my name is Mom," rather than,
"Get your f*cking a** off the couch and clean your f*cking room."

When they ask you for money, you say,
"Ask your father," rather than
"Ask someone who f*cking cares."

When they bring all the laundry from their room and deposit in in front of the washer, you say,
"I guess you can binge wash The Office tonight" rather than,
"Do you expect me to f*cking do all this laundry?"

When they ask you to take them to Boone, wait 4 hours while they skate, then bring them over to Johnson City for a date, you say,
"That's just not feasible," rather than,
"Are you f*cking kidding me?"

When they tell you you're going to get cancer from drinking so much coffee (oh, OK wine,) you say,
"Oh that's interesting," rather than,
"What the hell?"

When they ask you to drive back to school at 11am to drop of a paper they need signed then turn around and come back at 230p to pick them up, you say,
"Well that sounds really interesting, I'm not sure my schedule can handle that today," rather than,
"Let' me play Mario F*cking Andretti up and down 194 today!"

When they wake up and tell you they forgot about a book report that's due today, you say,
"You'll have to talk to your teacher about possible rescheduling," rather than,
"Why didn't you f*cking do that yesterday when you were playing f*cking video games."

When they want you to some weird picture from a Math equation, you say,
"Well, that's what research is all about," rather than,
"I have no f*cking idea."

When you come home to them on the couches, wrappers and soda cans all over the room, you say,
"Well, looks like someone's going to get the trashcan right now," rather than,
"Who am I? The f*cking maid?"

When you accuse them of talking back and they tell you they are "explaining," you say,
"Oh, let's talk again about how wrong you are EXPLAINING," rather than,
"Let me show you how F*cking explaining works!"

When they freak out because you ask them to put their shoes away," you say,
"I'm sorry it upset you that I asked you to put your shoes away," rather than,
Throwing their shoes at them saying, "Here's your f*cking shoes!"

So let me know how peaceful you house is now that you've implemented my love and light translations to everyday "what the f*ck" moments!

Better yet, share your translations, I can always learn a new language of love keeping me from killing my children.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Traveling Cheaply

As many know, I have two teenagers now,

the pharmacist with my Xanax prescription
the wine store owner with my favorite white
the grocery store as I am buying for a small army weekly

This past week we went on a Spring Break trip for 7 days and only spent 1400 dollars!

Yes, that's right 1400!

How did we do it, I thought I'd share:

Spring skiing is your best value when it comes to travel. We drove to Killington saving airfare traveling out west this year.

We started with a rental car from Enterprise in Boone, it was much cheaper than trying to rent a car at an airport or city! The car (a Dodge Ram truck) was $263.00 for the week.

How do you survive a 14 hour drive with 3 teenagers?


I filled a cooler with snacks and drinks. A case of water costing 2.99 vs a bottle of water at a gas station stop at $1. Of course since we were on vacation, I really saved money buying the 12 packs of soda at Walgreens, etc than purchasing the same thing individually at a gas station.

I was also able to hit the grocery store for snacks, combining the junk they love along with a few healthy alternatives. Once they went through the junk (15 minutes in to the drive) they had nothing left but healthy snacks!

We did splurge once a day with some fast food but ordering simple ChickFilA sandwiches and letting them grab drinks, etc out of the cooler we were still able to satisfy those urges.

Oh and of course, $1 Sweet Tea at McDonalds!

Another great money saver with teenage boys was finding lodging that included Breakfast! If they have an afternoon cookie or two even better!

We found the Killington Mountain Lodge, 1.5 miles from the resort on a website for $59/night!

And that included a buffet breakfast every morning of Vermont favorites, syrup, granola, milk, etc.

This is a very casual, comfortable hotel complete with a 20 person outdoor hot tub, a pool, pool table, games in the common area complete with a fire each night, oh, and a bar for Mom and Dad. We relaxed each evening in the common area, the boys even checking out the nightly movie in the theater. (Rogue One one night!)

The cooler came into the room with snacks and drinks, giving the kids what they needed after the snow.

We went out one night, splurging spending $100 on dinner for 4 at an Italian restaurant.  The rest of the week using grocery stores deli department and pizza delivery.  Here's the breakdown:

Italian Restaurant - $100/ four pasta dinners, water and one glass of wine (hey, I'm stuck with boys)
Pizza Delivery - $30 - 1 large pepperoni pizza and two orders of garlic knots plus delivery tip.
    The boys took the pizza to the hot tub and enjoyed hanging out.
Grocery Store - $18 - two large vats of Beef Stew one large vat of mashed potatoes.
Grocery Store - $15.99 one large rotisserie chicken leftover mashed potatoes and veggie side.

So we ate well, spent time at the lodge and didn't miss out on the Killington experience.

Lift tickets to Killington for spring skiing were only $25/day purchasing them 2 days early online in block of 3 days.

Good thing to remember for spring skiing, if you are only going one day make sure you bring a lift ticket from another resort and Killington gives a 50% discount off of your lift ticket!

Saving money in Killington opened up the coffers for adventure in Baltimore. I still was able to get out of the city for around $400 for all of us. We enjoyed an Oriole baseball game, crab feast, skating at Charm City Skatepark and a hotel downtown!

Oh and talking to a local, we found a way back South avoiding all the tolls on the way back including avoiding the traffic on 95!!

There's nothing like traveling and experiencing with children, all you have to do is a little early planning and you can save big while having the best experience.

The best part of the trip was listening to one kid whisper to another, "Dang! $9 for a cheeseburger, that's pretty expensive!

This way I'm preparing them for those traveling trips their senior year in high school or college or Spring Break!

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

WTF Why Do You Do It?

I know what ya'll are thinking,

I know why she does it,

She can't stop skiing.

Then they ask, "How did you survive it?

With a cooler full of snacks and drinks, one paper map and of course

A good sense of humor.

You see, I've been doing this for years, and it's always been fun even as the different stresses change.

Now I go from sweating through a screaming baby for the last 2 hours of the drive to,
the "Are we there yet" 2 million times in the last two hours.

I go from muttering curses as a toddler sends his drink all over the floor mat of the back seat to,
muttering curses as a teenager does THE SAME THING! (Really?)

I go from a baby or toddler destroying the car seat with poop during the drive to,
three teenagers making our room look like someone pooped all over it.

I go from listening to the same movie over and over again to,
Listening to their teenage talk which is much more interesting. I didn't know Crusty was a word until this road trip.

I go from cleaning wrappers, boxes, drinks and other scary shit out of my car to,
well, cleaning shit that I at least recognize out of my car. (Who ate the last slim Jim?)

I do it and survive it each time because these trips with the kids are short lived.
I get to listen to them talk about the adventure of the day before.
Listen to their laughter as they talk about me almost falling into the Gondola because "Mom was freaked she'd miss it! How do you miss a Gondola?"
You bet, I'm getting out the maps and planning something for summer, because I'm on a mission.

I only have two more Spring Breaks before Son #1 is gone.

And, as we all cheered seeing the sign saying, "Boone 23 miles" they all said, "Thanks Mom!"

That made it worth it.

Until one of them farted and the other said, "What's that smell?"

Oh yeah, and I did for the skiing, who am I kidding?

Yeah, and the crabs.

The crabs were definitely worth it.

Monday, April 24, 2017

WTF - Is that puke?

Last day of skiing at Killington and we all made it until 2pm. What a great way to end the season!

So how did I feed three teenagers on a budget? Grocery store!  I found a market that included a deli and bought them them two big vats of beef stew along with another vat of mashed potatoes! Done! I left all the kids with their food in the room to go have a glass of wine in the lodge in front of the fire and work!  Ahh, now I get my relaxation right?

After an hour of writing and relaxing, I figured I should move the boys out of the room into the hot tub or just get them to do something.

My first thought when I walk in the room was, "What's that smell?" As I step into something cold and wet on the carpet.

"Oh, that's the stew," my child says, "Max was holding it and I swung around knocking it out of his hand." They are all casually watching TV.

I look, there's stew on the wall, stew on the carpet, and of course, a nice white towel covering the last of the stew on the carpet!

"Oh my God, it look like someone puked in here!" I say picking up the towel looking at the stew on it, "Or had diarrhea!"

"What?" They say, "We ate most of it, just a little bit spilled"

A little bit?  A little bit? It looks like a stew bucket exploded in the room!

"I smell more than stew," I ask.

"We sprayed air freshener because the room smelled like stew," they say. I go and do what they should have done, open the window.

Crusty is now totally crusty!

So we go about cleaning up the stew because we have to check out in the morning!  I make a towel pile in the bathroom, covering the stew towels (which looked like someone pooped on them) with cleaner looking towels hoping the maid won't see them. In the bathroom, I'm shocked, "Who got stew on the toilet seat?" I ask while cleaning that up.

"That's not stew, that was Max," I hear them say as I gag.

I find the rest of the stew in a trash can without a liner, looking like someone puked in it. I dump the stew into the toilet, try cleaning out the trashcan but it's already dried to the trash can,

Oh well.

Not only did I step on a cold wet carrot in the middle of the night using the bathroom, but I decided the only thing I could do was leave this note for the maid.

Back to the car and the first of our major road trips working our way back,

Next stop Baltimore!

Sunday, April 23, 2017

WTF - Skiing and What Exploded?

Our second day of skiing was fantastic. It went below freezing so the groomers went out clearing this huge mogul field and creating a fantastic run for the day!

Mogul Field definition please, a place where you accidentally ski in, bounce around like a ping pong ball then crawl out sweating.

I met a new friend in the morning. Paul watching my first run, probably realizing the little sphincter palpitation I had standing for the first time at the top of SuperStar, decided I needed ski lessons. Of course I'd been by myself all of day one, dumped by the kids after embarrassing them at the Gondola so I welcomed the company. I did the one ski thingy, the hold my poles in front of my thingy, move your hands in front of you thingy, to the lean in your boots thingy. I mean, I know how to ski but it was nice having the company, plus skiing with Paul kept me off the Gondola and over at a nice chair lift I'm used to!!

The Killington Mountain Lodge, 1.5 miles from the resort is a great value for the money, $59/night including a breakfast buffet! The lodge included a pool table, games, a bar (hallelujah) and a 20 person outdoor hot tub. It wasn't the newest place but it was clean, the rooms were big enough and did I mention it had a breakfast buffet (insert feeding teenagers on a budget right here.)

Of course the boys called the room "crusty" and for the rest of the trip they kept saying, "Is it time to go back to Crusty yet?" or "Who has the key to Crusty?" "We can save $5 a day is we don't have the maid clean Crusty making Crusty more crusty!" (Insert teenagers laughing here)

Crusty, definition please,
anything old, or dirty or questionable
Example please: a clean hotel room except for a dark fingerprint on the remote to the TV ("It's blood isn't it Mom, did someone get murdered in this room?")

The only real problem on this trip is the exploding suitcases. I swear I open the hotel room door and before my foot steps in, all three boys are pulling the rip cord on their suitcases!

The first day, I left the boys in the room, go down for an extra key and by the time I walk back up to our room, the suitcases regurgitated all over the room, two boys sitting on the bed watching cartoons, one boy in the bathroom.

For a good half hour, maybe longer. What is he doing in there?

"Pooping," someone says.

"That long?"

The other two look at me, "Yeah, it always takes that long."

"It can't take that long, it takes me 5 minutes. Is he writing a novel in there?"

"No, just pooping," they reply going back to the cartoon.

This could be a long trip, I think as I step over shoes, skateboards, snowboards,

wait, is that a pair of my underwear?

I'm wondering "What is that smell?" until I step on a wet sock and realize everyone's snow socks are soaked and sweaty from two days on the snow. When the child finally comes out of the bathroom, I hold my nose, throw some shampoo in the tub, putting all the socks in and run in them before hanging to dry, at least the bathroom now smells like Panteen.

I think I'm better off using the public restroom in the lodge than attempting our room bathroom. I'll go down there, and maybe forget about Crusty with a glass of wine!

Saturday, April 22, 2017

WTF - Me vs. Gondola

As you know we are chasing snow, driving to Killington VT for one more go at it before we call it quits on the season. We finally made it, 20 chicken nuggets, 4 large fries, 3 milkshakes, 4 double cheeseburgers, one 12 pack of soda, two bags of chips, large Goldfish tub, 2 packages of beef jerky, half a box of MoonPies and three packs of gum.

I found us a great hotel, 1 mile from Killington for only $59/night! And it included breakfast so I am patting myself on the back for that one as I left the boys in the room and ventured down in front of the fire for a cold beer. 

The next day we started our three days on the snow, everyone excited. So excited that the boys ditched me after the very first Gondola ride, I think because I embarrassed them.

You see I am Gondola challenged.

They have it easy, they have snowboards and the slots work perfect. I have twin tip skis and they don't want to fit into the ski slots. So the first ride up, I was running around with the Gondola trying to get my skis in before the "DO NOT LOAD PAST THIS POINT" sign. Of course the boys wouldn't help me, they were too embarrassed. Luckily the attendant had pity on me and with a sigh, put my skis in.

"Our little mountain doesn't have a Gondola!" I yell back with a smile, all three boys cringing with a "MOM!!!"

I think that's why I was on my own with the Gondola, the next time I come down, I've got it all planned out. I pull my skis apart and put them separately into the slots!  Plan B!  Of course the attendant has that "Oh, it's you again" look and comes back putting them together and fitting them in the damn slot!

Next, I'm watching all the skiers put their skis in the slots, planning my mode of attack. Most do not have curved edges so I'm thinking I'll start just as the Gondola comes in, shove those babies into the slot like trying to fit in my bathing suit and I'm good to go. Of course it doesn't help that I drop one ski while trying to do this, the same attendant coming over, not saying a work picking them up and putting them in the slot!

It was a slushy day of skiing, snow melting by the Gondola to dirt prompting me to ask the liftie as he put my skis in the slot,  "What's that smell? 

"Spring." He says walking away.

I'm not sure if it was Snomax on top of dirt or if something busted by the K-1 Lodge but by 2pm I was perfecting my pond skimming technique deciding to call it a day. I came down to the Gondola, the attendant walking up putting out his hands with a "just give them to me" look! So,= I smiled sweetly saying, "See you tomorrow!"

Did he roll his eyes?

Friday, April 21, 2017

WTF - Easter Egg Hunts Are Stupid!

So we got the first drive out of the way, making it to my sister's house in Ijamsville, MD.  It's so nice when you have people that let you crash and you're not long haul trucking!

Sunday was Easter morning.

We came down in the morning one boy saying, "What is that smell?"

"Ham, eggs, hash browns, sugar doughnuts, fruit, bacon, sausage!
You can always tell when another mother has boys - they know how to lay out of the food.

Plus, I told my kids were on a edge of starvation diet through this trip because

A, I don't want to keep stopping and,
B. Food is expensive.

So they understood to fill up at brunch because they could be gnawing each other's fingers by the time we get to Vermont.

My sweet sis also put together an Easter Egg Hunt for the kids!

My child, "Easter Egg Hunts are dumb."
The cousin, "These eggs have candy and MONEY in them."
My other child, "I love Easter Egg hunts!

The "one, two, three, GO!" Looked pretty much like a WWE Smackdown. I was regretting not putting Max's brace on as his brother shoved him into the side of our truck.

As the kids ran around looking for eggs, I looked to my sister, "This is perfect easter egg hunt because I think I already forgot where I hid the eggs!" Made me remember when my Mom hid real hard boiled eggs for Easter and I found a lost one two weeks later, I touched it, it exploded, I threw up!

We hid 65 eggs, and the boys came up with 61 eggs, all of us trying to use our Math skills early on a Sunday and it just not working out. One of the cousins thought he was smart enough to hit the front yard while everyone went to the back yard. Here's how his plan worked.

Cousin- 16 eggs, one big pile of candy.
My Child - 6 eggs, candy and $14
My Child - 7 eggs, candy and $10
My Child - 9 eggs, candy and $12
Cousin - 10 eggs, candy and $8
Cousin - 13 eggs, candy and $6

How'd that would out for ya!  Anyway, big props to my sister for making our first night excellent and helping us celebrate Easter!  I'm figuring those extra eggs left in the yard with money in them are her "for a rainy day" savings account.

Oh, and she refilled the snack bag that exploded again about 15 minutes into the trip.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

WTF - Traveling with Kids or What's That Smell

When you live next to a ski resort and your season comes to an end, you do what any normal minded person does.

You drive 14 hours chasing snow.

The boys and I sat down figuring out how to get some Spring Skiing in with a late spring break this year and found Killington, VT.

Wolf took this picture and
thought it was hilarious!
"They still have a park and it's a doable drive," I said, "We'll see family in DC then continue on our way. Sounds perfect!"

So we plan, getting all of our gear together, walking out to my MiniCooper and Plan A goes out the window.

"How are we going to do this?"

"Put Max on the roof and all of Will's and my stuff will fit in the back." One child says.

I look at him, he pauses for a very long time (I think he was seriously wondering if we could do this) then says, "I'm kidding."

So I rent a SUV, everyone is excited.  Plan B

We get to the rental and all they have is HUGE Ram Truck, everyone looks at me. "Our stuff could get wet!"

Plan C - "We'll pick up trash bags."

Everyone settles in the truck, the car rental guys asking me if I want to rent a stool to get into the drivers seat. Very funny, "That's what that handle in the window is for," I say pulling myself up into the truck. I feel like a badass!

It's me in the front, and all three in the back, perfect! I can relax!

Five minutes of letting one child use the AUX cord and rapper Dizzy EX singing about Mollies and I'm taking over the tunes with a little Frank Sinatra.  It worked! They all put in headphones and I drive along in peace.

Until the snack bag explodes in the back seat, it's a carnage of Moon Pies, granola bars, Twizzlers and Flavor Blasted Goldfish.  Max has dumped jelly beans all over the seats, and I lost my piece of beef jerky between the seats.  At least the rental now looks like my car normally looks, I feel right at home.

Of course when chasing snow, nothing goes as planned, Fifteen minutes into the drive I utter my now famous saying of the trip:

"What is that smell?"

"Oh we took our shoes off, can we put them up front with you? We need the room."

Of course you can.

Stay tuned for part 2 of What is that Smell?

Saturday, April 8, 2017

WTF - Spring Cleaning Quality Time

You can always tell it is spring in the house when the hubby stands up shouting to everyone:

"Kids! It's time to clean out the garage."

Collective groan here.

Now I have two teenagers, and they both look at me saying, "Why?"

I plaster a smile on my face saying, "This will be fun, we'll do it as a family and all be proud after all the work we did." I can see both boys rolling their eyes as Fun and Family project never go well together in this household.

"Sure honey, this is gonna be fun, right?"


They both start complaining before the project even starts, trying their best to change Dad's mind.

"Hey, let's watch Tropic Thunder on Netflix, you love that movie Dad!"
"I'll make breakfast, let's have quality family time at the table!"

They even resort to:

"Dad, have you seen the news? Let's watch the news together."

Nope, he is determined. After watching Tropic Thunder together we all go to the garage.

Collective sigh here.

"How many bikes do we have in here?"  He asks, I can't answer it, it's close to how many books I have.

"Kids, let's get started!"  He says as he and I start pulling everything out of the garage until we realize the boys are touching the stuff as we pull it out constituting that as work. "Kids! Get in there and pull out all those drawers!"  They pull a drawer out with three mouse skeletons in it.

"Eww Dad, I'm not gonna touch that!" One says as the other looks thoughtful poking at the mouse skeleton with a pencil.

We're creating a toss pile, a keep pile, a "Mandy" pile when I notice I'm pulling all the shit out while the kids stand by the pile telling me where to put things:

"That's a Mandy pile, we can sell that. Oh, that's a toss pile, who needs a box of old electrical wires!"

My husband follows us pulling the box out of the son's hands, "We need those wires!

Of course I know we don't need those wires, that box has sat in the garage for 10 years. He proudly walks his box of wires putting it in the keep pile.

"Stop standing there and pull things out!" He yells at them, everyone going in I'm grabbing several things while one child walks out with an empty gas can. "Don't kill yourself, the future needs you," say as he walks out with a kite.

We're almost to our first load to the dump when the hubby walks over to the truck, "Who put my box of wires in the truck? We need those!" I listen to both teenagers argue with him about the wires as he proudly walks his box over to the keep pile.

One load of stuff goes to the dump and if you ever read my book on Beech Mountain, it is a known fact people in this community scrutinize the dump for "good shit" as we are readying our second load I get a text!

"Hey! Some idiot left an old snowboard and skis at the dump right now!  Go get them! Wow and who would throw away a perfectly good box of wires!"

My son says, "The reason we have too much stuff is all the stuff you bring back from the dump!"

My husband sees his box of wires sitting next to the "Used Paint" sign saying, "Who put my box of wires there! There's good stuff in there!"

"From the dinosaur ages," my son says as we watch my husband put the box of wires out and put them in the backseat of the truck signaling they are special and no one to touch them.

Moving into load two we come down to the argument stage, the kids saying:

"Who needs this bag of rocks from gem mining?" "Memories" I say.
"What about this 1972 snowboard?" "That was my first board," I say.

Moving load two out, my hubby spies the 2010 blue ethernet cord sticking out from under a load of used paper towels, "Kids, this isn't funny!  We need this box of wires!"

After load two to the dump, I get another text, "Don't throw away that white cabinet, I can use it! If you take it to the dump now it will disappear before I can get to it! Where did that box of wires go?"

Finally finishing the clean out, the hubby and I are sweating, the boys still standing next to us until one looks to the other, "Whew! I'm exhausted, I think we deserve relaxation the rest of the day, right?" The other agrees and they go in to watch Malcolm IN The Middle, hubby and I look at each other, "But who's going to put all this stuff back in?"

"Kids! Get back here! We have to put everything back in!" He says walking back in with his box of wires.

"Then why did we take it all out in the first place?" One of them questions.

An hour later, we can finally walk through the garage, I can get to my freezer full of food without killing myself and that damn box of wires stares at me proudly from its perch in the corner.

Ah finally, I can relax and write this blog about spring, I think as I watch both boys fall onto the couch.

"Kids! Who's ready to clean out the ski closet?" I hear the hubby scream.

Ahhh Spring!