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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

WTF - Why yes, I am part of the event

Last road trip of the summer season, this time it's to Seven Springs Resort for Downhill Mountain Biking.  Big shout out to my sister for letting us crash at her place in Deep Creek, MD.

So I'm dropping kids off to ride, then killing time at the resort, working and of course, writing.

I walk into the Lodge and there's a bunch of free food, stuff on tables and lots of smiling people.

Man, this place is COOL! Look at all the free activities for us people stuck waiting on people mountain biking!

I helped myself to a doughnut, some fresh strawberries, cheese and some really good coffee.

"Are you going to make some jewelry with us?" The nice lady asks.

"Make jewelry? I'm in!" I say, thinking I'll work after the jewelry making session!

I made a fine bracelet, accepted a few souvenirs from Dos Equis and had another cup of coffee.

When the boys were ready for lunch, I asked the same nice lady where we should take lunch. "Go up to the main lodge there's a buffet for everyone there."

Wow, what resort has a buffet in the middle of the week? The boys were excited all kinds of soup, salad, chicken sandwiches and a DESSERT BAR! This thing looked like something out of a cruise ship and only $12.95/per person.  What a deal! Of course, Max ate 2.00 worth of good food them $26.78 dollars worth of dessert.

When they went back out biking, I walked back over to the Lodge to the pleasant surprise of an ice cream social! How amazing. I'm sitting at a table making new friends when someone asks me,

"So how are you enjoying our Sheetz Employee Appreciation Week?"

I look around, and everyone is wearing lanyards that say SheetzFest on them.

Oops.

"This is awesome," I say, because it's true!

"Are you coming to the wine tasting and karaoke?"  They ask.

I think about it for a second, "Why yes, I am!"

Reminds me of a story of my Dad who took us to this posh buffet, finding out we're waiting an hour for a table.

A hostess walks up to us saying, "Are you the Sherman family?"

My Dad looks at us kids saying, "Why yes, we are."

Later someone walks up to the table as our drinks are served asking, "Are you the Sherman family?"

My Dad looks at him saying, "Who? Never heard of them."

I can't wait to see what snacks they have after lunch!

Post Script: I ran into several Sheetz employees asking me where they go for lunch, of course I knew the directions!

Sunday, August 13, 2017

WTF - I'm Gonna Be Rich

If you haven't heard of all my great uses for the TaTa Towel,


The TaTa Towel is the perfect way to combat Boob Sweat, a towel that wraps around your neck, grabs and holds the girls tight wisking away all that sweat.

Then, I thought.....


Why just the girls? Don't the guys have the same problem?

So I'm patenting my new invention, the yin to the yang of sweat, the slot for inserting the tab.

The Ball Sack!

I've already got the infomercial in my mind!

"Gentleman, do you get jealous watching your lady walk around in the TaTa Towel? Thinking it's not fair, her girls are all cool and dry while your guys swim in moisture?

We've got you covered!

The Ball Sack!

The Ball Sack is made of 100% organic terry cloth with handmade elastic. You slip the Ball Sack over your best friend, cradle the boys in their own terry cups and never worry about Ball Sweat again!

Just out of the shower and the bathrooms still a little too steamy for your boys? Slip on the Ball Sack and continue on your morning ritual.

Taking too long on the toilet? Or doing your morning "reading" the Ball Sack holds them in place for you! No more dipping!

Entertaining your girl on a hot summer evening? Keep both of you moisture free with the Ball Sack!

Heading to the BBQ and worried about embarrassing Ball Sweat? We've got you covered! Ball Sacks come in the "Just Vent the boys" terry cloth, the "I'm keeping them cool in my jeans" Moisture wicking AND the "Cold Winter Day" Sasquatch Hair!

The Ball Sack comes in three different sizes:
The Mini Sack for youngsters and visits to the pool.
The Medium Sack for most men.
The Gargantuan Sack for well, you know who you are.

Use our custom sizing chart, simply put the boys on the chart and determine just the right amount of elastic to keep them in place.

The Ball Sack has you covered for every occasion, visit our website for our custom Christmas, Bachelor Party AND Wedding Night Ball Sacks! You won't be disappointed."

The Ball Sack comes with a money back guarantee! Return any ball sack that sags, is too tight or just doesn't feel right! We want your boys to be satisfied!

My Infomercial finishes with Daryl hanging out in the bathroom after a particularly HOT shower.

"Edna! Where's my Ball Sack!"

Edna comes walking through the house, completely comfortable in her TaTa Towel carrying Daryl's Ball Sack.

"Don't worry honey, I'm holding your Ball Sack, and it's CLEAN!"

What do you think? Want to become one of my investors?

Thursday, August 10, 2017

WTF - TaTa Towel

Well hello there girls, there's a new thing for you! It's the TaTa Towel, a welcome advantage to boob sweat!  Sounds exciting, right?

My first thought on this towel is that it is perfect, if you have big boobs that is. There's elastic to wrap around your girls, the towel raps around your neck and not only are they supported, but they stay dry as well.  But, you have to have boobs.  This is for TATAs if you have small Tits, it may not work. The best part of this is if your boob sweat runs down between your girls, just push them together and you're dry as a bone!

The ad says this is perfect for getting ready in the morning, wrap the girls in a towel and go about your morning routine. I'd love to see my boys faces as I serve breakfast in my TaTa Towel, or go out and get the mail, even take in my morning yoga! Carpool on a hot summer day with the TaTa Towel guarantees the children exiting the car quickly and completely, saving me time!

The next picture is of a woman out in her garden watering her flowers not worrying about boob sweat with her TaTa Towel.

So I'm supposed to just wear this, nothing else? Of course, I understand I need pants, but according to the ad, the TaTa Towel is enough. Go ahead and walk around towel, your girls will love the fresh air. Hit the slopes on a warm winter day in your TaTa Towel, if you get sweaty, you have a towel?

Or just lounge around the house, watch a movie with the kids, the girls safe and sound in their TaTa Towel, eat some popcorn and this time when you drop it, it doesn't get stuck in your bra because with the TaTa Towel there is no bra!

Heading to the summer BBQ on a hot day? Put your TaTa Towel in the cooler with your beers and when the boob sweat becomes unbearable, excuse yourself and put on your ultra cool TaTa Towel. If you dribble a little salsa down the front, the napkin is already provided, especially if your girls are big enough you can maneuver them around and wipe your mouth.

Thinking about a Hot Yoga Class, then the TaTa Towel is for your girls! Downward facing dog as the girls fall forward wiping the sweat off your forehead before you move to plank!

Better yet, if you get romantic with your one and only, there's always a towel available with the TaTa Towel! Throw it beside the bed in case you need it later, or better yet wear it and if your partner gets sweaty you have a towel!

Order your TaTa Towel today, grab your bedazzler and add a little bling to your girls! Or perhaps just a single jewel?

I'm ordering my TaTa Towels in bright red, a tie dyed, and of course Kelly Green. I hope one of them comes with a pocket because where am I going to put my lipstick, money, and phone when I got into town?

Is yourTaTa Towel your "breast" friend?


Tuesday, August 8, 2017

WTF - A Beginners Guide to Getting A Cricket Out of Your Bathroom

Good morning! I thought I'd share my morning with you.

Crickets in the mountains are not cute little things, they resemble large spiders and jump over 10 feet!  OK, it's half a foot but when it's coming for you it feels like 10 feet! Seriously these bugs could have their own habitat if it wasn't my bathroom.  They are ninja bugs, I have no idea how they get into the bathroom!

Your Guide To Getting A Cricket Out Of Your Bathroom In 11 Easy Steps:

Step One - Go into bathroom, get undressed, run out screaming when the cricket jumps out of the bathtub as you pull the shower back. Kids are horrified.

Step Two - Stand outside the bathroom (in a towel of course!) wondering where it went.

Step Three - Peek in the bathroom looking around for the bugger.

Step Four - Locate it back in the tub, like a good tree hugger figure you can softly grab it with a tissue and let it go outside.

Step Five - Go for the cricket, scream and jump as it jumps at you and away from the tissue.

Step Six - Jump in place five times getting the nerve to go for it again.

Step  Seven - Scream and drop the towel as it lands on you. (Kids are horrified)

Step Seven - Grab the towel run and throw it out the front door, glad you live on a pretty much deserted street because today is not Naked Gardening Day.

Step Eight - Congratulate yourself on a job well done with a nice hot shower.

Step Ten - Scream as you see the next cricket hanging on the wall of the shower for dear life. Tell it politely to please stay there as you take the quickest shower of your life.

Step Eleven - Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Better yet, burn the house down and just keep walking.

How do you get spiders or crickets out of your bathroom?


Sunday, August 6, 2017

WTF - White Water Rafting

Go White Water Rafting, they said.
It will be fun, they said.

And it was!

Every year my sister comes to visit and we do one big trip with the kids, this year it was White Water Rafting. I chose Edge of the World Outfitters for this year's ride.

As usual one person has to take charge and everyone looks at me. Am I the only one that reads websites?

You need shoes that will stay on your feet and can get wet. No flip flops (moan from boys)
Nothing of value goes on the trip, this includes cell phones (Big moan from the boys)
Sunscreen
Towels for the end and possible change of clothes.

Everyone was nervous and they fitted us for life jackets telling us they stay on the entire trip. I joked about not needing a lifejacket because I already have two floatation devices. (they didn't get it)

Some of the people on our bus took the "keep it on during the trip" literally, sitting in the bus with the lifejacket on!  I guess they did say "entire trip" right, but it was hot with the jacket on, it made a great headrest for bus ride.

I think what scared them the most was the hour bus ride to Elizabethan, TN with NO CELL PHONES! "What will we do?" My boys wailed.

"Um talk to each other?"

What's nice about EOW Rafting is the bus ride is a show in itself. If I could give the Corniest joke award to anyone, it'd be these guides. Nothing is sacred with them, I think I heard more groans on the bus than moans. Plus a lot of laughter. The nice part of this show is the bus ride went pretty fast, we learned the TN state flower (satellite dish) and animal (hootenanny)

EOW puts the rafts in by the damn on the Watauga River, my choice for taking a boat load (seriously a boat load) of kids. River rapids are in classes, measured by International Scale of River Difficulty.

Translated, the numbered classes determine the amount of sphincter tightening on your trip.
1 - a little bumpy everyone laughing and having fun.
7 - praying, full sphincter tightening as you paddle for your life.

The Watauga stretch for our ride had the highest rapid class at the Anaconda Rapid, a class of 3.

We were introduced to our guide Coleman, through everyone roasting him as they set our rafts in the water, setting us up. I didn't realize he lived with his Momma, drives her minivan, and his nickname is "wienie."

We positioned everyone in the raft, putting me and Wolfgang in the front of the raft as the two that will actually paddle when Coleman tells us to paddle.  The first words out of everyone's mouth is, "This water is FREEZING!" Yes, it will be cold and will stay cold as the water of the Watauga comes out of the dam, from the bottom of Watauga Lake keeping the temperature a balmy 52-53 degrees. Refreshing on a hot summer day!

We paddled our way down to the Anaconda, our guide telling us when to paddle, when to pause. I knew my son behind me was paddling because he spent the first part of our trip hitting my paddle!  We paddled down the Anaconda rapid, the kids screaming and having fun moving over to lunch after the rapid. This is where I think EOW stands out,

No, not the lunch, though it is delicious. Homemade by the shop's owners every morning. Chicken tenders, biscuits, lemonade and water, finishing with energy bars.
No, not the lunch show which was pretty amazing, the guides joking with all of us and each other. (some of them can actually dance)

It's that we can stay by the class 3 rapid and travel down it as many times as we want, as long as we carry the raft back to the top of rapid. Our kids went down several times, a photographer taking pictures of them in the raft as they screamed by. Of course, usual to our group, two fell out of the raft on the rapid, all of us watching and yelling, "Nose and feet up!" It made for better stories as they laughed about pulling each other out, how cold the water was, which guides came over to save them. I enjoyed watching the guides dig in with their paddles as they brought the rafts over to the shore at the end of the rapid for the kids to carry up. (Hey, I'm human OK)

Since EOW leases the land to the side of the rapid, we ate lunch watching all rafts go by and keep going, while we rode the rapid over and over until everyone, including the guides were pretty worn out. Climbing back in the raft we made our way down the river over lower class rapids, two swimming holes along the way, kids flipping off the raft, pushing everyone out of the raft, the biggest complaint how cold the water was. Each time we had a water fight, my sister was in the middle of it, and she loved the feel of the cold water, not.

All in all, the trip was a success, the kids talking about falling out on the way back, another show from the guides on the bus ride back, AND a quick stop for drinks and bathroom before the bus ride! I would highly recommend EOW for rafting, especially with kids as they do a great job keeping everyone safe AND entertained!

Oh and guess what! Everyone survived, I'm not talking about the rafting trip but a day WITHOUT any cell phone interaction!

Get that last trip of summer in with a trip to Edge of the World for a day of rafting, you won't regret it.

Pictures sold at the end of the trip! Priceless memories.




Wednesday, July 26, 2017

WTF - I'm Lost

Before the days of smart phones, I couldn't find my way out of a paper bag and now with my smart phone, I'm still trying to find my way out of a paper bag.

I'm cueing in a trip taking the boys to Liberty Snowflex Center in Lynchburg, VA. I change the voice of Siri to a very stunning Australian man named Rolf, making the drive a little bit better.

Rolf: "Your trip time is 4 hours and 22 minutes."

The kids scramble on our home wifi trying to download enough movies to cover 4 hours and 22minutes.

Our trip starts out pleasant enough, typical about 10 minutes 32 seconds into it someone is hungry.

"I'm hungry."

"Are you kidding me? We just left?"

"Can we get Chick Fil A?"

"Honey we are out in the middle of nowhere, there isn't a Chick Fil A."

I hear him on his phone in the backseat, "Find the nearest Chick Fil A."

After about an hour, or so into the trip Rolf reminds me:

"Your travel time is 3 hours and 54 minutes."

What? We've already been driving an hour and had only one bathroom break. I'm calculating the arrival time thinking, "Either we were in the bathroom way too long or I must have made a wrong turn."

This is where Rolf pisses me off. If I make a wrong turn, then he'll just instantly recalculate me to my destination even if it is an hour out of the way. He needs to yell, "Hey dumbass you missed that right turn I TOLD YOU ABOUT and are going the WRONG WAY!"

Once I missed a turn driving in MD and Rolf navigated me to the Chesapeake River saying, "Take the ferry."  What? Take F*cking Ferry where? It was a beautiful ride down the Chesapeake then an equally beautiful drive through farm land but cost me 2 hours.

Back to Rolf and Snowflex, I'm thinking, "They'll still have plenty of time on the fake snow if we get there at 7 rather than 5, right?"

Another 30 minutes later Rolf asks, "There is a faster route saving 1 hour and 4 minutes, reroute?"

"Yeah, ya dumb ass!"

He takes me off the highway and we parallel the highway for 6 miles then get back on the highway. What the hell was that? I'm beginning to think Rolf has lost his mind.

Further down the highway, Rolf tells me, "Take exit 150A, then mispronounces some town names and Route numbers. I'm desperately trying to keep up with exit numbers because if I miss it, I'll add another 3 hours to the trip! Of course the signs say, "Lynchburg, the next 7 exits."

Holding my breath I have everyone looking for Exit 150A, all the kids screaming, "THERE IT IS" as I two wheel it, cutting off three cars but exit safely.

Rolf says, "Take the right on state road 8797453."

I'm looking for this, trying to look at the map and of course, miss it. I need Rolf to yell,

"You missed the turn, dumbass!" Not "rerouting....."

We make it to SnowFlex at 6 not because of Rolf but because of a child......

"Hey, my phone says there's a Chick Fil A 20 minutes from here."

It took me 25 minutes to get back on track because I was busy arguing with Rolf. He took me several back roads from Chick Fil A to State Road 8797453 including one under construction.  "Dammit Rolf, didn't you see the construction, we've been waiting here for 20 minutes!"

"Rerouting......"

I'm going to go find my paper bag and maybe Rolf needs me to stop and ask for directions.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

WTF - Those Neighbors

As many of you know, I live in a resort town with two major seasons,so for 7 months of the year I don't have any neighbors (which is a good thing during Naked Gardening Day) and 5 months of the year I have "those neighbors."

So when the town explodes we still don't talk to all the neighbors, we just give them nicknames.

Hollywood House - that house with every light on at night including strings of Christmas lights. (I bet they leave the refrigerator door open and cool off the neighborhood also)

Kennel - that house with the 4 dogs barking all night oh and of course at 6am during summer when we don't have to get up early.

Dick and Jane - the couple that dresses alike for their walk around the neighborhood with a dog that looks like Spot.

The Screamers - No not that type of screaming, the parents spend most of the day screaming at their kids and the dog.

Lemon heads - these neighbors never wave when they drive by, and everyone on the mountain knows you wave! If you want confirmation, read my book Views From 5506

Is it Abandoned or For Sale House - there was much excitement on the street when a car appeared in the driveway, the first one in 10 years. And why is there close to 100 bones scattered all over the backyard?

So I'm having a conversation with the hubby:

I ran into James today.

James, the Screamer?

No, James from the Kennel house.

Bald James?

No that's Bald George down the street, this is Skinny James with the Tattoo.

Oh, that dude, where?

He was out walking his dogs and they went after Spot.

Spot?

Yeah, Dick and Jane's dog. I thought there was gonna be a fight. Right down the street by the Holsten House.

Holsten?

The Is It Abandoned House, 2 doors down from the Hollywood House.

Did someone actually buy that POS?"

Yup, and they're doing work, I was peeking in the windows when the Lemonheads drove by, I think they called the police or could have been Glenda, not sure.

What did the police do?

He told me no trespassing. 

Guess I'll have to survey the work during the 5 months no one is here.

I wonder if I have a Nickname?
Wonder Woman
Screamer
Accident Prone
Kid Toy House

Let's hope I'm not the HollyWood House Owner - Gotta tell the boys to turn some lights off.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

WTF - Hitchhiking with my Bike

Riding a bicycle anywhere in the high country is a lesson in hills, you choose your route based on elevation gain rather than distance. Which is why I love Hickory Nut Gap Road, not as populated as other local roads and two pretty fun hill climbs (really? does hill climb and fun belong in the same sentence?)

I always liken climbing a hill on my bike to fitting my blanket in the F*king duvet cover. I'm in it for the long haul, this is a marathon not a sprint, I'll make it to the end.

On my ride yesterday, I became one with the granny gear, spinning myself slowly but surely to the top of the hill, wondering if I was going to hack out my left or right lung at the top.  I'm chugging along for what feels like forever when my Biking software says:

"Time Check: Five Minutes, .86 miles"

Wait, what?

I made it to the top then enjoy a nice break descending the other side into Newlnx. A biker pulls up next to me as I'm descending saying, "You don't have to ride the brakes that much, you can let go a bit."

"Uh no, I can't, I'm a Mom, I've got shit to do after this, not hang out in the emergency room." I reply.

Taking a break in Newland, I start back up the hill climbing what I just descending, my legs are like, "What? I thought we were finished?"

"No body, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Just keep chugging." My software keeps reminding me I am lame with a "Time Check, no forget it, you don't want to know."

I make it to the top then with a sigh start the descent again until I feel the front of my bike go into a wobble, prompting me to stop immediately.

Shit, a flat tire.

I pull out my roadside repair kit, thinking "Well the last time I changed one of these was probably 5 years ago and it took me 45 minutes."

I open my kit and it's been raided by gnomes, or children. My CO2 is missing, as well as my tire tool.

I'm screwed. When I call to scream at them all I get is voicemail. Typical.

I move onto plan B, I'll walk the bike to Arbordale Church hide it there, take off my cycling shoes and run barefoot back to my car. It's only 3 miles, just a day at the office right?

Hadn't planned a brick but what the hell? (What's a brick? A bike to run workout, basically your legs feel like bricks at the beginning of the run)

I'm walking down singing Dory's song from Nemo when a car comes by, and this is the family part of my story.

It's an old beat up pickup, with an old dude in it, long beard, and equally old dog.

"You OK?" Thick Southern Accent, dog drooling down side of pickup truck.

"Just got a flat, I'm fine." I was going to add, "And I'm killing my kids when I get home."

"Need a ride?"

Anywhere else I'd think twice, but I'm in the country on a lonely road, an old dude, working clothes, totally safe, right?

"Sure, would you do that?" I ask thinking he's much nicer than the pickup that almost hit me making sure I swallowed their exhaust as they passed.

"Yeah, we're heading to the dump anyway. That's Poncho in the back. I've got my trash in the front because he doesn't like hanging with trash, let me move it so you can have a seat."

"No worries, it's only 3 miles, I'll just ride with Poncho."

Poncho is very excited about the company of my bike and myself, I fold into a corner of the truck with the dog, accept his wet kisses the full 3 miles down to my car. Poncho jumps out chasing some ducks away as the man helps me out, my legs a little jello from riding then sitting cramped in the truck.

"Thank you so much!" I pet Poncho.

"Yeah, I've been there, my buddies and I do Blood Sweat and Gears every year, flat tires suck."

Wait, what? You don't look like a biking dude, mountain appearances are deceiving. I was waiting for him to tell me Poncho won Westminster Dog Show.

So it did turn into a fun hill climb as we exchanged numbers and he added me to his High Country biking buddies.  We's all family, helping out a friend in need, complete with the wet dog kisses.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

WTF - Someone Call The Doctor

I maintain a healthy lifestyle purposely for keeping away from the doctor.

I mean, why else would I purposely pickle my liver?

If you are a nurse or doctor, just go ahead and move onto something a little tamer like - @puppies

 I mean who really tells their doctors the truth?

"Yes sir, I only have several alcoholic drinks a week." (Seriously their definition of several may be a little different than mine."

"I never take any medicine, it's bad for the body," as I'm cracking my super Aspartame gum.

I thought I'd entertain you with a wonderful doctor story, courtesy of my great Aunt (bless her heart, god rest her soul) at the tender age of oh, say over 80 she had a pain in the, you know, down there part (her words) so she ended up at the gyno getting things out. In her usual Irish humor, while he was working she politely asked, "Did you find a college ring?" Of course the nurse came out almost peeing from laughing, and oh, that poor doctor.

So it made me think, what are somethings you could say during sex or at the doctors office:

I'm sorry I came late, I was busy.

Open wide, let me put this stick down your throat.

Boy, that feels cold.

Does this hurt?

Please take your clothes off and lie under the sheet.

How long have you felt like this?

Open your legs wider.

Now relax.

This isn't going to hurt a bit.

I'm almost done.

Just a small prick.

I see being large runs in your family.

Please lie down, I want to test you.

Trust me, I've done this before.

Thanks for coming, get plenty of rest.

So go with me and keep up the several drinks a week habit, make it wine and you're winning!

But if you have to go to the doctor, you'll know what to say.

What would you add to the list?

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

WTF - Darling I Love You But Give Me Park Avenue

Moving into the dog days of summer, we're all about hanging outside in the mountains! So we got on all the popular bandwagons.

The miracle lounge chair that fills with air, ya'll saw the infomercial, haven't you?

Looks easy, right? Either that dude had a tornado behind him or a really big fan, I must be missing something.  I start waving the chair like a survivor on a deserted island until my shoulders hurt. I watched my kids run up and down in the grass my chair flapping behind them, before finally filling it with air. Then of course I didn't roll it properly, feeling my butt hit the ground as I climbed in, I have to admit it made me feel fat. Here we go again.

Then we moved to the Enos in the trees. These come with straps that require some type of rocket science knowledge or I guess I am Eno challenged. I stood in the trees for another 15 minutes trying to figure out the straps until my son (he's a math major) came out with a sigh, "Mom, you do it THIS way." Ten seconds and all three hammocks are up. I'm taking pictures of the strap setup so I don't look like a dork next time.

The kids decide on spending the night outside. the last time I slept outside was in the lowlands and I woke up the next morning the left side of my face covered in mosquito bites, but hey we're in the mountains, no mosquitos right? What could go wrong, they're in the back yard, it's cool night.

I'm planning on going out there later, just sitting inside reading a book as they settle for bed.

Around midnight, my oldest comes running in, "Mom! A bear just walked through our hammocks!"

I sit there thinking, the other child is asleep, so he didn't hear it, should I just leave him out there?

Then I wonder, where did the box of Goldfish go, did he take it in the hammock with him?

Is my boy bear bait out there with that damn box of Goldfish?

Even if he didn't take the Goldfish, he is a messy boy, what if his shirt smells like dinner?

The oldest and I go outside making a bunch of noise, me keeping watch while he runs out waking up his brother. I see a blonde head stick out of the hammock, deer in the headlight look in the eyes. No bear around I figure he was already on his way to the dumpsters at the restaurant further up the mountain.

"Go on and go to sleep boys, he's gone." I say but both boys walk into the house and their beds.

My order for the hammock stand for my front porch night sleeping comes in today.

Let's hope it doesn't require a Rocket Scientist to put it together.

How are your summer adventures coming along?

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

WTF - Isle Surf and Sup Stand Up Paddle Board Review

If ya'll follow my social media accounts you'll know I received an inflatable paddle board from the hubby for my birthday at the beach. Thought I would share my thoughts on this product.

Why inflatable? I live on a mountain top and drive a small car, my other paddle boards only saw the water two weeks at the beach, this one can go wherever I go!




After different searches, he decided on the Isle Surf and Sup Inflatable 10 foot paddle board. The package came with the board, a pump, and a paddle all contained in one large backpack. We opened the package throwing the directions to the side because "ain't nobody got time for that." After perusal of the materials I am happy to report it was very easy to setup.

Note:  Don't inflate until the board is out of the condo, we almost lost a lamp and a chair trying to fit it out the door.

The pump worked beautifully especially watching two boys hard at work pumping the board! They took turns as I watched making me think one thing I'd add to this would be a cigarette charged small pump could make my life easier.

Once the board was inflated it felt like a regular paddle board, nice and stiff. I decided my first interaction with my new SUP was Taylor's Creek in downtown Beaufort, NC. The board is nice and light to carry, the handle a very nice addition. I didn't put the paddle together that came with it as I had a nice carbon fiber paddle from my old board. The board and paddle an easy carry down the street to the public dock except don't turn back to your husband as he asks you a questions, the gentleman and lady I smacked with the board were not very happy.

My old paddle board was considered the SUV of paddle boards, super wide and perfect for beginners, this new one much smaller in width, making me notice it took more balance than the old one. Thank god for all of my balance poses in yoga as I was able to get up and paddle immediately, my legs shaking, my core tightening as I struggled with the balance in the beginning. (I was congratulating myself on this new workout knowing everything would be sore after this experience.) I lived through several small wakes with the "Oh shit" going through my head trying to stay on the board. Keeping the paddle in the water, stroking as the wakes pass help with balance on the board, head up looking straight ahead, legs hip distance apart, knees soft. I wear my Chacos on the board as bare feet fall asleep standing on the board for a long period of time.

I made it across the creek to Carrot Island where the wild ponies run, beaching the board for a quick hike to the horses, finding the herd, enjoying the new foul while the stallion kept watch. The board is easy to beach, simply grab the handle and walk it up! Back to the water and more exploring.

This was the only time I had issues with the board, the balance felt all off, and every time I took a stroke I just went in circles. Note to self: Make sure you are not on the board backwards, fins in the back. This was a great lesson after I told my sister about all my experience paddling.

Finally, I thought I would share how to fall off the board in a WTF way.  First, make sure you fall off the board in front of the waterfront restaurants, especially right in front of the bar where a big group of people have been enjoying cocktails for a while.

"Whoo hoo!"  "That fall was a 6!"  "Is the water cold?" They shout from the bar, gaining everyone else's attention.

Then, make sure your ass is pointed toward the bar as you try climbing back on the board because getting on the board requires a lot of kicking as you pull your body across the board, letting it all hang out.

"Kick harder!"  "You almost got this!"  "Don't give up!"

There was a resounding cheer as I made it back on the board, pulled my bathing suit out of my crack, finding my paddle. Having a leash with the board was a big help, I just pulled the board back to me rather than having them rate my swimming technique.

Do I dare standing up again right there or paddle on my knees until out of sight?

Of course you stand up again! If you fall off a horse, you get back up again.

"Paddle harder, I hear banjos!" They scream as their cheers faded away as I followed the creek back to the dock.

Conclusion: I love this new board, I don't have any faults for it. The workout is better than my wider board as I work the balance, I feel it all over. The only thing I added for this product is a leash, your basic surf leash works great.

Thanks Sweetie for an awesome birthday gift, getting ready to take it to the lake this week!

Friday, June 30, 2017

WTF - BDay Love

So yesterday was my completion of another trip around the sun and I was blessed sharing it with family. It was a day of sand fights, kayaks, heart attacks, and rare steak.

I paddled with Max in the morning my Mom Sense kicking in as I went through what I would do if he fell off the paddle board.  Telling him to be safe, I turned witnessing him jumping and spinning on the paddle board in the middle of the channel feeling that first heart attack. So much for my lecture on how to balance when the kid is showing me he could stand on one leg?

"Can't you do anything safely?" I yell back to him.

After boarding we went over to The Old Town Yacht Club for the pool and the beach, that's where we almost got into a sand fight. There's a little sliver of beach for guests of the club and as we setup, two "locals" said, "You can't setup here we're saving this for our friends. Of course my sister in law and I (one drink in) looked at them saying "Um, you can't SAVE the beach. Possession is 9/10ths of the law ,"as we pulled out baby tents, towels, six chairs, three coolers and a snack bag. I think we left them a 3 foot sliver of beach. They spent the next few hours giving us dirty looks as we sipped our wine smiling back at them. We then moved into music war as both camps kept turning up the volume on their portable speaker. Oh you're playing Beyonce, well take a little Keith Urban BACK!

Next the boys decided they wanted to kayak from Radio Island back to our place in Beaufort. They tell me it is a fifteen min trip, they promise they would hug the shoreline, they are old enough, why am I worried, they will be fine.  AND, the kayaks have to go back to the condo for transport home the next day. "It's a win/win situation Mom," the oldest child says. I think they waited until I was two drinks in before surprising me with this, dumbing down my Mom Sense. Reluctantly I agree thinking they'll be fine. Why am I so worried?

This was supposed to be a relaxing birthday right?

I watched them paddle out into the MIDDLE of the canal watching a large cruise ship coming for them.

They swirl around in the middle of the shipping lane I'm pacing up and town the beach really pissing off the two "locals" as I take up more beach until they finally make the shoreline of Carrot Island.
Why don't kids listen to you, I'm sure Wolfgang is squirting bricks as the ships go by remembering "Oh yeah, Mom told me to get over to the shoreline."

Everyone was giving me updates as I watch,
"Max's arms look so skinny."
"They shouldn't be so far apart."
"Do you see that big ship? Do you think they see it?"
I practiced my yoga breath as they get smaller and smaller.
Finally, I watch them hit the point and disappear out of my sight.
I could think of was the song Jesus Take The Wheel.

This was supposed to be a relaxing birthday!

I die a few deaths waiting, the hubby texting:
"I see them!"

And finally,

"They are here!"

The boys made it safely, we all celebrated with an amazing dinner at Stillwater.

I couldn't help but feel blessed as I listened to them argue as both boys tried ordering the most expensive thing on the menu. Or maybe it was the wine, I'm not sure.

The hubby and I sat in the deck watching the sunset and I congratulated myself on another trip around the sun.


We're heading back home with only sand dollars in our pocket but a priceless amount of memories.

Cheers!


Friday, June 16, 2017

WTF - Funerals and Sex

Gotta love writing groups, one of my favorite prompts evah!!!!

Things you can say during sex and during a funeral:

So if you offend easy, move on dear friend because I'm having a little fun with this one.



Too soon

I'm so sorry, were you close?

I knew him well.

Do you need a tissue?

Geez, how much longer is this gonna last?

I'm hungry

What a pretty pearl necklace

I'm so glad you came.

Normally I'm not a cryer but this one got to me.

Thank you for coming, there's drinks and food after.

I'm so sorry, I always say the wrong thing.

He's in a better place now.

I'm only staying if there's food.

This would be easier if I didn't see your body.

I'm glad is was quick at the end.

Looks like everything's covered.

We need more tissues!

I think it was the second stroke that did it.

Should I say something?

Why does this take so long? I'm bored.

He looks so small in there.....

Look who just walked in!

It's been so long, I barely recognize him.

And of course,

Where are we going to eat after this?

Friday, June 9, 2017

WTF - I Have DCD

I just realized I have OCD, Obsessive Cleaning Disorder.

Before you invite me over to your house so I'll clean it, let me explain.

Typical cleaning day:

I go downstairs to grab something out of my garage freezer.


Notice someone left toilet paper scraps on the floor of the bathroom, go looking for the broom.


Notice the dust pan is missing but still sweep the scraps to the side, looking for the dust pan

Notice they are out of toilet paper.

Walk upstairs for toilet paper, notice the toilet needs cleaning.

Clean the toilet, smell bleach, wonder if I moved the wash to the dryer.

Move the wash, some of the cushions of the downstairs couch are on the floor.

Pick up the cushions notice the crumbs and wrapper stuck in the couch.

Go find the vacuum, vacuum out the couch, find a moldy yogurt spoon.

Take the spoon upstairs, open the dishwasher it's clean.

Empty the dishwasher including the soap dish from the bathroom

Take the soap dish to the bathroom, the sink needs cleaning.

Clean the sink including child's retainers, taken them down stairs.

Realize you forgot the toilet paper you went upstairs an hour ago to retrieve, 

Go back upstairs looking at your floor through the railing noticing dust bunnies.

Go into the kitchen for the broom, find both dust pans on one broom.

Walk the dust pan back downstairs the dryer beeps, fold the whites.

Take the kitchen towels upstairs noticing dust bunnies as you look at the floor through the railing

Sweep the upstairs, find some children's shoes, take them downstairs.

Use the downstairs bathroom, cussing as you realize you still haven't replaced the toilet paper.

Use the toilet scraps because you're desperate.

Go pour a glass of wine.

So you may not want my work in your house, I work hard but nothing gets finished.

I guess you could call it DCD Dissociative Cleaning Disorder......

or rather, let's call it multi-tasking - I'm busy cleaning something else until I remember what I was doing in the first place.

Then repeat the process again.

What is your cleaning ritual?

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

WTF - School's Out!

Here we go - Summer Vacation! (insert controlled sob here)

Summer break means going from saying, "Today is September 26th right?" to
"I don't know, I think we're into June, right?"

It means making adventurous plans in June then trying to cram them into the three last days of break before school starts.

It teaches you a new appreciate for teachers.

It helps you understand why some animals eat their young.

How do you prepare?

Day One - Sleep In. Really, turn off all the alarms and sleep in.

Then wake up at 530am in a panic you're going to be late for school.

Realizing it is summer break - and you can GO BACK TO SLEEP!

Grocery Store Run -

Is it a coincidence the grocery store is having a massive wine sale the same week the kids are out of school?

I think not.

$200 dollars worth of groceries, $197 dollars of that in snacks. This is the first of many grocery trips with the kids meaning,

Watch everything they put in the cart, "We don't need a 10lb of Beef Jerky, No I'm not buying Starbucks Frappachinos, take that collection of snack size bags of Doritos and get a regular bag, it's cheaper. Who added the 12 pack of ping pong balls to the cart?"

Be thankful you're not making lunches every day realizing you are making lunches every day, but at home.


Meal Prep -  2 boxes of pasta, 2 lbs of taco meat, 1 Shepherds Pie, 1 pot of Chili.

Rather than giving my children a PopTart and feeding them for a day, I'm teaching them how to cook PopTarts and relaxing most of my summer break.


Day 2 - Open your eyes at 530a and curse because you're body is used to getting up early.

Find wrappers all over the house.

The refrigerator is empty.

Someone walks by saying, "I'm bored."

Realize teachers are grossly underpaid.

Pray the wine sale at the grocery store lasts three months.

Have you made any summer break plans?

How will you survive?


Tuesday, May 30, 2017

WTF - My Shit List

Do you know your Shit?


My Shit List for my Children:

Stop breaking Shit

Playing with my Shit

Acting like a Shit
Stop giving each other Shit

Losing their Shit

Put their Shit away

Don't make me loose my Shit!

But if you think about it, there's really a lot more to Shit than just Shit.

One can be "the Shit."  "Have you watched the new Thor? Because he's the Shit."

Shit can also be known: "Have you asked her about wine? She knows her Shit."

A person can be a Shit Stirrer, or Full of Shit or a Crock of Shit.

You can be a Good Shit, or Deep In the Shit or just need to get your Shit Together.

You can Scare the Shit out of Someone or just Scare Them Shitless as a result Giving Them The Shits.

There is the Tough Shit, because you don't Give A Shit.

Really! No Shit!

Honestly, Shit Happens and when Shit Hits the Fans you could be up Shit Creek.

Holy Shit! Some people have Shit for Brains and can't Shoot The Shit.

So people Shit or Get Off The Can!

Know your SHIT!

Because honestly, I'm too sober for this Shit!










Saturday, May 27, 2017

WTF - Kids and Buttons

Thought I would share my wake up call this morning on the way to school!

We were driving to school in my rental car, a Dodge Charger.

Max, "What does that SOS button do?"

Me, "Don't touch......"

"911 what is your emergency?"

Me, "Uh, sorry child, button, had to press it."

Operator, "Don't worry, happens all the time."

What is it about kids with buttons?



Thursday, May 25, 2017

WTF - The Best Self Help Books Out There

Ya'll know I've got a few years on me, even though I still get carded every once in a while (OK, who's paying those cashiers to make me feel good?)
Yes, this is an actual book I read

I'm redoing all those self help books and thought I would share a few of my new titles:

Book I Read: The Breastfeeding Mom/Baby Connection.
Book I'd write - Breastfeeding for Dummies or how to get your child to find that tic tac at the end of a football.


Book I read - Hands On Healing For Children
Book I'd write - Stop Crying, You're Fine.


Book I Own - Natural Remedies For Everyday Situations
Book I'd Write - Do We Really Have To Go To The Emergency Room?


Book I Read - How To Survive the Teenage Years
Book I'd Write - You Did What?


Book I Read - How To Be A Good Listener.
Book I'd Write - What? or, "How to Look Like You Are Listening"


Book I Read - SuperFood For Your Family
Book I'd Write - No, I Am Not A Short Order Cook


Book I Read - Finding Balance In The Family
Book I'd Write - You'll Get What You Get and Not Pitch A Fit.

Book I Read - Family Time Is A Good Time
Book I'd Write - Best Hiding Places For Moms

Book I read - Your Spouse, Your Best Friend
Book I'd Write - Who Pulled Off My Covers



Book I read - You Are A Good Mom
Book I'd write - Screw It, Go Ahead Have the Glass of Wine.

Book I Read - How To Host A Successful Book Club
Book I'd Write - What Happens At Book Club Stays at Book Club

Another great real book!

Book I Read - Communicating With Teenagers
Book I'd Write - Go Ahead, Do It. Whatever.


Book I Read - Vacation Planning Tips For The Family
Book I'd Write - Well That Didn't Go As Planned.


Book I Read - How To Keep A Secret
Book I'd Write - Funny You Should Ask

Book I Read - Southern Cocktail Recipes
Book I'd Write - I Only Had One

Book I'm Currently Reading - Yoga Sequencing
Book I'd Write - Poses to Hold In A Fart


Book I Got In The Mail - Your Guide To AARP
Book I'd Write - How To Not Act Your Age

Finally, if you still need a few good suggestions for great parenting reading, here's a list of books I can relate to, right up my sense of humor alley.
Parenting Book Parodies


 I've moved past most of them, I'm already ahead in the wisdom arena.

My first book of blog postings called Snot and Tears

my recent one

That Grey Area - If Life is Supposed to Be Black Or White, Why Am I In That Grey Area.

Any new titles you'd like to add to my bookshelf on life?




Sunday, May 21, 2017

WTF - What Does Being An Adult Mean?

Just remembered I'm an adult and had a small panic attack about this.

Is this adulting thing really worth it? Because I am wondering......

Being an Adult means you'll never have anything new as the rest of the family sucks up your resources. We've now become sponsors of our children, "M&D Racing."

Being and adult means coffee is your primary beverage because you'll never make it through the day after worrying about your kids all night without it.

Being an adult means you're the only one that sees the pee on the toilet seat or worse yet you're the only one who doesn't see it and sits in it.

Being an adult means telling your child to use their "inside voice" then catching yourself screaming at them.

Being an adult means you have to plan your Friday night because you have a lot of kid shit to do starting early Saturday morning.


Being an adult means accepting and trying to communicate with teenagers then realizing you are actually the adult.

Being an adult means a great Friday night excursion with the hubby involves Lowes.

Treating your kids involves candy, treating yourself involves wine.

Being an adult means loving the little things, like going to the bathroom by yourself.

Being an adult means you have to wear real pants and with those pants comes responsibility.

Being an Adult means realizing you now enjoy spanking and naps that you hated as a child.

Being an Adult means seeing going to bed early as an ACCOMPLISHMENT!

So really, this adulting thing is for the birds, once I complete my panic attack you'll find me in my fort with a pint of ice cream and a large glass of wine.

When did you realize you were an adult?

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

WTF - Spring and Eagle Talons

Spring is a time of change, away from the skiing of winter to:

Getting the machete out for the leg hair that kept you warm all winter.
Checking your hair color because you're not wearing hats all day.
I'll just leave any reference to armpits alone.

Spring is also where all the new animals peek out of their warm dens just like my white legs peeking out from a pair of shorts and,

the Eagle talons peeking out from my sandals.

Off to my first pedicure of the season, a little embarrassed I waited a little too long, but hey, I remembered to shave.

I always go to the same place because they call me "honey" it makes me feel special.

Pick out your color Honey.
Sit in this chair, Honey.
Turn on the massager Honey.
Pay your bill Honey.

It is such a relaxing experience, as my friend and I sit next to each other in chairs, the sweet ladies working on our toes talking to each other.

Then I wonder, "What do you think they are saying?"

"This is probably the worst Spring set of toes I've ever seen."
"Oh yeah, well you can tell the last time she cut her nails it was with a hacksaw."
"I feel like I'm digging to china cleaning out these sides."
"I'm gonna have to let her soak an extra 20 minutes but I don't think it's gonna help."
"Do you think I can get away with SnapChatting how bad these nails are?"

Then one looks at the other and they both laugh.

Maybe she said, "At least she shaved her legs."

Honestly, they probably were talking about the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie divorce and I'd have no idea.

Somehow I knew my pedicurist liked me, I mean, she calls me Honey. As my friend looked on she massaged my legs extra long (my poor friend got the spit shine) they both brought out hot towels and she massaged my legs again with the towel (my friend frowning) then after the towel adding some extra lotion and massaged them AGAIN (my friend was pissed, at this point she was already at the nail dryer.)

If you need a new Spring ritual and enjoy being called "honey" go get your nails done. If anyone asks why, just say it helps keep your feet healthy for running, biking, hiking etc.

Well heck, be honest, it's been a long time since someone's called you Honey.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

WTF - Redefining Wrinkles

I thought I would be honest about getting old, I mean, now that I'm finally 21.

Oh, I got carded at Walmart for my wine, just saying.

I pointed to my face saying, "With all these lines you think I'm too young to drink? These lines are the reason why I drink."

What lines do you say? Let's start around the eyes.

Those lines are the "You did WHAT?" lines, when they are walking in with that look of "I almost died" and of course they tell you exactly what happened.




"Max fell out of the tree, you should see how wide his eyes were when he couldn't breath," my eyes go wide.
"I was really lucky when the match fell into the wet grass lighting the firecracker in Max's hand," Eyes get narrow.

My eyes spend so much time going wide then narrowing I've got plenty of "You did WHAT?" lines around them.

Above the eyes is the forehead lines called the "What the hell?" These are deeper than the "You did What" lines and can disappear when your children are behaving. The number of "What the Hell" lines is directly proportionate to the number of children you have....

Below those is the beautiful long groove between my eyebrows I call the, "WHAT THE F*CK?" line.
This is created by both eyebrows going up as the eyes get wide while you're looking at your child saying, "What the......?"

I have two boys so the "WHAT THE F*ck?" line between my eyebrows is pretty deep and does not go away when they behave.

Around my mouth there is the "Wait till your father gets home" lines. There's a lot of those. That's from frowning at their explanation on why they did all their homework then "forgot" to turn it in. Or you're planning on company for dinner and after cleaning the house, they appear out of their rooms like with big smiles on their face holding mountains of laundry.

The boys call these my "vampire" lines because the one and only time I wear lipstick it seeps into those lines making them "scarier" according to the boys. They sure to know how to compliment.
The final lines are on my neck, are the "No" lines.
No, you cannot shave the dog.
No, you can't jump off the roof of the house onto the trampoline.
No, you cannot beat up your brother.
No, I am the only saying that word.

You'll notice the lines go only one way because I've spent all my life with kids saying, "No."

Luckily, there's plenty of "Laugh" lines around my mouth, because well, if you have kids, you realize the importance of a sense of humor!

I think I'll stop there, because moving below the neck involves looking up terms in National Geographic and explanations in Mad Magazine.

So for now, I'll grab my bottle of wine, put my ID away and not look back at the cashier in Walmart with a "What the F*ck?" Don't want to deepen that line.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Ways to Stay Alive During the Last Month of School

Here we are, less than one month left, the new December in May where you try to cram the entire school year into less than thirty days.  How do you survive?  Here's a few tips:

Lunches -
Go ahead and buy the pre-made stuff, your morning will thank you. You survived a school year of making healthful lunches you know their either gave to their friends or threw in the trash. I put half a rotisserie chicken in my teenager's lunch because it fit in the gallon Ziplock bag. Slim Jims, cheese, sandwiches, go healthy with precut carrots and don't forget dessert - they will get some calories out of the Little Debbie Oatmeal brownie even if they throw the rotisserie chicken away.

Getting up in the morning -
From the beginning of the school year waking them up an hour early so they can ease into their day to throwing a pot of cold water on them 15 minutes before leaving.

Clothes -
They go from laying out clothes the night before to the "sniff" test that morning. You're stepping over mountains of laundry just hoping for clean underwear. Absolutely refuse to do the "sniff" test on any teenager clothing, you will thank me!

Carpool -
Your kids won't care how late you are to carpool, this is their last days of standing outside in the sunshine talking to all the girls, I mean all their friends. So take the extra time at the grocery store finding all those pre-made items before picking them up.

Teacher Appreciation -
Early in the year it was the Pinterest inspired handsome craft for the teacher, oh who am I kidding? I left that at Kindergarten.  Don't forget to appreciate all those teachers who's names you can't remember by giving your children a bag of gift cards to hand out. Honestly, they want a gift card to a restaurant with a fancy bar more than the handmade pot with paper flowers. Better yet, your child will forget to give all the gifts to their teachers and you have a ready made party in a bag for summer!

Last Day of School -
Let them go in, smell and all, with a moldy ham sandwich and half a grape congratulating yourself on a job well done. Or better yet, check everyone's absences and see if they still have a few left, turning off the alarms if they do!

You survived 180 days of education, now onto letting their minds ferment for the three months of summer before realizing you have to cram an entire summer vacation into the last week!

Thursday, May 4, 2017

WTF - Mom Love and Light Translations


We, as Moms need help with our language when our kids piss us off, which is on a regular basis. So I thought I would give you love and light translations, in a good way creating that positive parenting relationship between you and your teenager:

Walking into the kitchen after they "made" dinner.
You say, "Wow, looks like you two were getting creative in here," rather than,
"What the F*ck?"

Walking into their bedrooms.
You say, "Wow, you may want to wash a load of laundry, do you have any clean clothes?"
rather than, "What the F*ck?"

When they look at you and say, "I'm bored."
You say, "Hi bored, my name is Mom," rather than,
"Get your f*cking a** off the couch and clean your f*cking room."

When they ask you for money, you say,
"Ask your father," rather than
"Ask someone who f*cking cares."

When they bring all the laundry from their room and deposit in in front of the washer, you say,
"I guess you can binge wash The Office tonight" rather than,
"Do you expect me to f*cking do all this laundry?"

When they ask you to take them to Boone, wait 4 hours while they skate, then bring them over to Johnson City for a date, you say,
"That's just not feasible," rather than,
"Are you f*cking kidding me?"

When they tell you you're going to get cancer from drinking so much coffee (oh, OK wine,) you say,
"Oh that's interesting," rather than,
"What the hell?"

When they ask you to drive back to school at 11am to drop of a paper they need signed then turn around and come back at 230p to pick them up, you say,
"Well that sounds really interesting, I'm not sure my schedule can handle that today," rather than,
"Let' me play Mario F*cking Andretti up and down 194 today!"

When they wake up and tell you they forgot about a book report that's due today, you say,
"You'll have to talk to your teacher about possible rescheduling," rather than,
"Why didn't you f*cking do that yesterday when you were playing f*cking video games."

When they want you to some weird picture from a Math equation, you say,
"Well, that's what research is all about," rather than,
"I have no f*cking idea."

When you come home to them on the couches, wrappers and soda cans all over the room, you say,
"Well, looks like someone's going to get the trashcan right now," rather than,
"Who am I? The f*cking maid?"

When you accuse them of talking back and they tell you they are "explaining," you say,
"Oh, let's talk again about how wrong you are EXPLAINING," rather than,
"Let me show you how F*cking explaining works!"

When they freak out because you ask them to put their shoes away," you say,
"I'm sorry it upset you that I asked you to put your shoes away," rather than,
Throwing their shoes at them saying, "Here's your f*cking shoes!"

So let me know how peaceful you house is now that you've implemented my love and light translations to everyday "what the f*ck" moments!

Better yet, share your translations, I can always learn a new language of love keeping me from killing my children.