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Saturday, May 14, 2016

WTF - New or Seasoned Mom?

New Mom only feeds home cooked organic oatmeal to her children for breakfast.
Seasoned Mom says no to the chocolate bar for breakfast then pours a big bowl of Captain Crunch.

New Mom watching child on the playground and says, "Be careful" with LOVE.
Seasoned Mom watching child and says "Be Careful" because she doesn't have time that afternoon for a trip to the ER, and said child is wearing white, no one ever gets blood out of white.

New Mom still say, "Why did you do that?"
Seasoned Moms know that is the most useless question out there along with, "Are you busy?"

New Moms have a 5 second rule.
Seasoned Moms have the "just blow the ants off of it, it's good," Rule.

New Moms keep a beach full of mismatched socks in case they find socks.
Seasoned Moms point to the bag saying, "That IS all of your socks."

New Moms think they can act asleep and the child will go on their merry way.
Seasoned Moms have learned the art of slowing their pulse into "death mode" in an attempt to get an extra 15 minutes on a Saturday morning.

New Moms always check expirations on food for their children.
Seasoned Moms have the "I sniffed it and didn't pass out, it's good" test on food.

New Moms have the kids and themselves dressed and out the door in time for school.
Seasoned Moms are late to school and have to walk their child wearing, "I wasn't planning on getting out of the car" style they love.

New Moms get the shit scared out of them at 330 in the morning when a child quietly walks to their bedside waiting for them to wake up.
Seasoned Moms feel the presence and go back to sleep figuring if its a serial killer there's not a whole lot they can do at 330 in the morning.

New Moms gladly eat the fried skin of the chicken on their plate so the child can eat all the good stuff.
Seasoned Moms tell their kids the food on their plate is extremely spicy enjoying all the goodness for themselves.

New Moms keep a child home from school because they "don't feel well."
Seasoned Moms take all the lightbulbs out of the room so the child cannot put the thermometer on a hot bulb warming it up to "hell is on fire" temperature.

New Moms take the lunch back to school when it is forgotten.
Seasoned Moms figure the "I forgot to put money on your school lunch account so it is prison lunch for you," will teach them a lesson.

New Moms think a "beautiful well day" would be great, let me keep the kids home and enjoy them.
Seasoned Moms remember how well the last "well day"went and will never do that again.

New Moms give the kid being an ass in public a smile saying, "It's just one of those days."
Seasoned Moms give that child a look that says, "Remember there's only you and me when we get home.  Soon, my friend, soon."

New Moms lay out their clothes the night before.
Seasoned Moms tell them they are on their own picking up their clothes from the floor sniffing them to see if they are clean.

New Moms look at that mess thinking, "Oh well, at least he's being creative."
Seasoned Moms look at that mess thinking, "You'd better be cleaning something or fleeing in the next ten seconds."

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