WTF - Someone Call The Doctor

I maintain a healthy lifestyle purposely for keeping away from the doctor.

I mean, why else would I purposely pickle my liver?

If you are a nurse or doctor, just go ahead and move onto something a little tamer like - @puppies

 I mean who really tells their doctors the truth?

"Yes sir, I only have several alcoholic drinks a week." (Seriously their definition of several may be a little different than mine."

"I never take any medicine, it's bad for the body," as I'm cracking my super Aspartame gum.

I thought I'd entertain you with a wonderful doctor story, courtesy of my great Aunt (bless her heart, god rest her soul) at the tender age of oh, say over 80 she had a pain in the, you know, down there part (her words) so she ended up at the gyno getting things out. In her usual Irish humor, while he was working she politely asked, "Did you find a college ring?" Of course the nurse came out almost peeing from laughing, and oh, that poor doctor.

So it made me think, what are somethings you could say during sex or at the doctors office:

I'm sorry I came late, I was busy.

Open wide, let me put this stick down your throat.

Boy, that feels cold.

Does this hurt?

Please take your clothes off and lie under the sheet.

How long have you felt like this?

Open your legs wider.

Now relax.

This isn't going to hurt a bit.

I'm almost done.

Just a small prick.

I see being large runs in your family.

Please lie down, I want to test you.

Trust me, I've done this before.

Thanks for coming, get plenty of rest.

So go with me and keep up the several drinks a week habit, make it wine and you're winning!

But if you have to go to the doctor, you'll know what to say.

What would you add to the list?

WTF - Darling I Love You But Give Me Park Avenue

Moving into the dog days of summer, we're all about hanging outside in the mountains! So we got on all the popular bandwagons.

The miracle lounge chair that fills with air, ya'll saw the infomercial, haven't you?

Looks easy, right? Either that dude had a tornado behind him or a really big fan, I must be missing something.  I start waving the chair like a survivor on a deserted island until my shoulders hurt. I watched my kids run up and down in the grass my chair flapping behind them, before finally filling it with air. Then of course I didn't roll it properly, feeling my butt hit the ground as I climbed in, I have to admit it made me feel fat. Here we go again.

Then we moved to the Enos in the trees. These come with straps that require some type of rocket science knowledge or I guess I am Eno challenged. I stood in the trees for another 15 minutes trying to figure out the straps until my son (he's a math major) came out with a sigh, "Mom, you do it THIS way." Ten seconds and all three hammocks are up. I'm taking pictures of the strap setup so I don't look like a dork next time.

The kids decide on spending the night outside. the last time I slept outside was in the lowlands and I woke up the next morning the left side of my face covered in mosquito bites, but hey we're in the mountains, no mosquitos right? What could go wrong, they're in the back yard, it's cool night.

I'm planning on going out there later, just sitting inside reading a book as they settle for bed.

Around midnight, my oldest comes running in, "Mom! A bear just walked through our hammocks!"

I sit there thinking, the other child is asleep, so he didn't hear it, should I just leave him out there?

Then I wonder, where did the box of Goldfish go, did he take it in the hammock with him?

Is my boy bear bait out there with that damn box of Goldfish?

Even if he didn't take the Goldfish, he is a messy boy, what if his shirt smells like dinner?

The oldest and I go outside making a bunch of noise, me keeping watch while he runs out waking up his brother. I see a blonde head stick out of the hammock, deer in the headlight look in the eyes. No bear around I figure he was already on his way to the dumpsters at the restaurant further up the mountain.

"Go on and go to sleep boys, he's gone." I say but both boys walk into the house and their beds.

My order for the hammock stand for my front porch night sleeping comes in today.

Let's hope it doesn't require a Rocket Scientist to put it together.

How are your summer adventures coming along?

WTF - Isle Surf and Sup Stand Up Paddle Board Review

If ya'll follow my social media accounts you'll know I received an inflatable paddle board from the hubby for my birthday at the beach. Thought I would share my thoughts on this product.

Why inflatable? I live on a mountain top and drive a small car, my other paddle boards only saw the water two weeks at the beach, this one can go wherever I go!




After different searches, he decided on the Isle Surf and Sup Inflatable 10 foot paddle board. The package came with the board, a pump, and a paddle all contained in one large backpack. We opened the package throwing the directions to the side because "ain't nobody got time for that." After perusal of the materials I am happy to report it was very easy to setup.

Note:  Don't inflate until the board is out of the condo, we almost lost a lamp and a chair trying to fit it out the door.

The pump worked beautifully especially watching two boys hard at work pumping the board! They took turns as I watched making me think one thing I'd add to this would be a cigarette charged small pump could make my life easier.

Once the board was inflated it felt like a regular paddle board, nice and stiff. I decided my first interaction with my new SUP was Taylor's Creek in downtown Beaufort, NC. The board is nice and light to carry, the handle a very nice addition. I didn't put the paddle together that came with it as I had a nice carbon fiber paddle from my old board. The board and paddle an easy carry down the street to the public dock except don't turn back to your husband as he asks you a questions, the gentleman and lady I smacked with the board were not very happy.

My old paddle board was considered the SUV of paddle boards, super wide and perfect for beginners, this new one much smaller in width, making me notice it took more balance than the old one. Thank god for all of my balance poses in yoga as I was able to get up and paddle immediately, my legs shaking, my core tightening as I struggled with the balance in the beginning. (I was congratulating myself on this new workout knowing everything would be sore after this experience.) I lived through several small wakes with the "Oh shit" going through my head trying to stay on the board. Keeping the paddle in the water, stroking as the wakes pass help with balance on the board, head up looking straight ahead, legs hip distance apart, knees soft. I wear my Chacos on the board as bare feet fall asleep standing on the board for a long period of time.

I made it across the creek to Carrot Island where the wild ponies run, beaching the board for a quick hike to the horses, finding the herd, enjoying the new foul while the stallion kept watch. The board is easy to beach, simply grab the handle and walk it up! Back to the water and more exploring.

This was the only time I had issues with the board, the balance felt all off, and every time I took a stroke I just went in circles. Note to self: Make sure you are not on the board backwards, fins in the back. This was a great lesson after I told my sister about all my experience paddling.

Finally, I thought I would share how to fall off the board in a WTF way.  First, make sure you fall off the board in front of the waterfront restaurants, especially right in front of the bar where a big group of people have been enjoying cocktails for a while.

"Whoo hoo!"  "That fall was a 6!"  "Is the water cold?" They shout from the bar, gaining everyone else's attention.

Then, make sure your ass is pointed toward the bar as you try climbing back on the board because getting on the board requires a lot of kicking as you pull your body across the board, letting it all hang out.

"Kick harder!"  "You almost got this!"  "Don't give up!"

There was a resounding cheer as I made it back on the board, pulled my bathing suit out of my crack, finding my paddle. Having a leash with the board was a big help, I just pulled the board back to me rather than having them rate my swimming technique.

Do I dare standing up again right there or paddle on my knees until out of sight?

Of course you stand up again! If you fall off a horse, you get back up again.

"Paddle harder, I hear banjos!" They scream as their cheers faded away as I followed the creek back to the dock.

Conclusion: I love this new board, I don't have any faults for it. The workout is better than my wider board as I work the balance, I feel it all over. The only thing I added for this product is a leash, your basic surf leash works great.

Thanks Sweetie for an awesome birthday gift, getting ready to take it to the lake this week!

WTF - BDay Love

So yesterday was my completion of another trip around the sun and I was blessed sharing it with family. It was a day of sand fights, kayaks, heart attacks, and rare steak.

I paddled with Max in the morning my Mom Sense kicking in as I went through what I would do if he fell off the paddle board.  Telling him to be safe, I turned witnessing him jumping and spinning on the paddle board in the middle of the channel feeling that first heart attack. So much for my lecture on how to balance when the kid is showing me he could stand on one leg?

"Can't you do anything safely?" I yell back to him.

After boarding we went over to The Old Town Yacht Club for the pool and the beach, that's where we almost got into a sand fight. There's a little sliver of beach for guests of the club and as we setup, two "locals" said, "You can't setup here we're saving this for our friends. Of course my sister in law and I (one drink in) looked at them saying "Um, you can't SAVE the beach. Possession is 9/10ths of the law ,"as we pulled out baby tents, towels, six chairs, three coolers and a snack bag. I think we left them a 3 foot sliver of beach. They spent the next few hours giving us dirty looks as we sipped our wine smiling back at them. We then moved into music war as both camps kept turning up the volume on their portable speaker. Oh you're playing Beyonce, well take a little Keith Urban BACK!

Next the boys decided they wanted to kayak from Radio Island back to our place in Beaufort. They tell me it is a fifteen min trip, they promise they would hug the shoreline, they are old enough, why am I worried, they will be fine.  AND, the kayaks have to go back to the condo for transport home the next day. "It's a win/win situation Mom," the oldest child says. I think they waited until I was two drinks in before surprising me with this, dumbing down my Mom Sense. Reluctantly I agree thinking they'll be fine. Why am I so worried?

This was supposed to be a relaxing birthday right?

I watched them paddle out into the MIDDLE of the canal watching a large cruise ship coming for them.

They swirl around in the middle of the shipping lane I'm pacing up and town the beach really pissing off the two "locals" as I take up more beach until they finally make the shoreline of Carrot Island.
Why don't kids listen to you, I'm sure Wolfgang is squirting bricks as the ships go by remembering "Oh yeah, Mom told me to get over to the shoreline."

Everyone was giving me updates as I watch,
"Max's arms look so skinny."
"They shouldn't be so far apart."
"Do you see that big ship? Do you think they see it?"
I practiced my yoga breath as they get smaller and smaller.
Finally, I watch them hit the point and disappear out of my sight.
I could think of was the song Jesus Take The Wheel.

This was supposed to be a relaxing birthday!

I die a few deaths waiting, the hubby texting:
"I see them!"

And finally,

"They are here!"

The boys made it safely, we all celebrated with an amazing dinner at Stillwater.

I couldn't help but feel blessed as I listened to them argue as both boys tried ordering the most expensive thing on the menu. Or maybe it was the wine, I'm not sure.

The hubby and I sat in the deck watching the sunset and I congratulated myself on another trip around the sun.


We're heading back home with only sand dollars in our pocket but a priceless amount of memories.

Cheers!

WTF - Funerals and Sex

Gotta love writing groups, one of my favorite prompts evah!!!!

Things you can say during sex and during a funeral:

So if you offend easy, move on dear friend because I'm having a little fun with this one.



Too soon

I'm so sorry, were you close?

I knew him well.

Do you need a tissue?

Geez, how much longer is this gonna last?

I'm hungry

What a pretty pearl necklace

I'm so glad you came.

Normally I'm not a cryer but this one got to me.

Thank you for coming, there's drinks and food after.

I'm so sorry, I always say the wrong thing.

He's in a better place now.

I'm only staying if there's food.

This would be easier if I didn't see your body.

I'm glad is was quick at the end.

Looks like everything's covered.

We need more tissues!

I think it was the second stroke that did it.

Should I say something?

Why does this take so long? I'm bored.

He looks so small in there.....

Look who just walked in!

It's been so long, I barely recognize him.

And of course,

Where are we going to eat after this?

WTF - I Have DCD

I just realized I have OCD, Obsessive Cleaning Disorder.

Before you invite me over to your house so I'll clean it, let me explain.

Typical cleaning day:

I go downstairs to grab something out of my garage freezer.


Notice someone left toilet paper scraps on the floor of the bathroom, go looking for the broom.


Notice the dust pan is missing but still sweep the scraps to the side, looking for the dust pan

Notice they are out of toilet paper.

Walk upstairs for toilet paper, notice the toilet needs cleaning.

Clean the toilet, smell bleach, wonder if I moved the wash to the dryer.

Move the wash, some of the cushions of the downstairs couch are on the floor.

Pick up the cushions notice the crumbs and wrapper stuck in the couch.

Go find the vacuum, vacuum out the couch, find a moldy yogurt spoon.

Take the spoon upstairs, open the dishwasher it's clean.

Empty the dishwasher including the soap dish from the bathroom

Take the soap dish to the bathroom, the sink needs cleaning.

Clean the sink including child's retainers, taken them down stairs.

Realize you forgot the toilet paper you went upstairs an hour ago to retrieve, 

Go back upstairs looking at your floor through the railing noticing dust bunnies.

Go into the kitchen for the broom, find both dust pans on one broom.

Walk the dust pan back downstairs the dryer beeps, fold the whites.

Take the kitchen towels upstairs noticing dust bunnies as you look at the floor through the railing

Sweep the upstairs, find some children's shoes, take them downstairs.

Use the downstairs bathroom, cussing as you realize you still haven't replaced the toilet paper.

Use the toilet scraps because you're desperate.

Go pour a glass of wine.

So you may not want my work in your house, I work hard but nothing gets finished.

I guess you could call it DCD Dissociative Cleaning Disorder......

or rather, let's call it multi-tasking - I'm busy cleaning something else until I remember what I was doing in the first place.

Then repeat the process again.

What is your cleaning ritual?

WTF - School's Out!

Here we go - Summer Vacation! (insert controlled sob here)

Summer break means going from saying, "Today is September 26th right?" to
"I don't know, I think we're into June, right?"

It means making adventurous plans in June then trying to cram them into the three last days of break before school starts.

It teaches you a new appreciate for teachers.

It helps you understand why some animals eat their young.

How do you prepare?

Day One - Sleep In. Really, turn off all the alarms and sleep in.

Then wake up at 530am in a panic you're going to be late for school.

Realizing it is summer break - and you can GO BACK TO SLEEP!

Grocery Store Run -

Is it a coincidence the grocery store is having a massive wine sale the same week the kids are out of school?

I think not.

$200 dollars worth of groceries, $197 dollars of that in snacks. This is the first of many grocery trips with the kids meaning,

Watch everything they put in the cart, "We don't need a 10lb of Beef Jerky, No I'm not buying Starbucks Frappachinos, take that collection of snack size bags of Doritos and get a regular bag, it's cheaper. Who added the 12 pack of ping pong balls to the cart?"

Be thankful you're not making lunches every day realizing you are making lunches every day, but at home.


Meal Prep -  2 boxes of pasta, 2 lbs of taco meat, 1 Shepherds Pie, 1 pot of Chili.

Rather than giving my children a PopTart and feeding them for a day, I'm teaching them how to cook PopTarts and relaxing most of my summer break.


Day 2 - Open your eyes at 530a and curse because you're body is used to getting up early.

Find wrappers all over the house.

The refrigerator is empty.

Someone walks by saying, "I'm bored."

Realize teachers are grossly underpaid.

Pray the wine sale at the grocery store lasts three months.

Have you made any summer break plans?

How will you survive?