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Tuesday, January 24, 2017

WTF - Why They Serve Wine at Target

When I was little, my mother had no problem with smacking me upside the head in any public place when I decided it was proper time to show my ass.

Now, with so many politically correct parenting quotes out there, there are few safe places you can be a parent without someone calling the cops or worse yet, YOUR MOTHER.

Of course the first safe place is Walmart, I can't tell you how many parents I see screaming at their children in Walmart. I'm not sure what it is about that store, the lighting, the smell, some type of opiate pumped through the air system but kids immediately start misbehaving the minute their butts are plopped in the blue shopping car. I've seen kids throw things, I run away from screaming children, down to the little kid crawling under the bathroom stall looking up at me saying, "What?"

I am not the angel, I took my kids when they were little into a Walmart before a vacation because it was cheaper buying supplies. After 30 minutes searching, finally finding them sitting inside a circular clothing rack, I must say I had a few choice words for them.

And no one said a thing, they were busy yelling at their own children.

Another great place is the Zoo. You can spend a lot of time yelling at your children because everyone else is busy watching the monkey picking its butt, or the Hippo pooping in the pond. Your kids can do crazy things at the zoo because most of the other guests figure the child covered in mud, hanging upside down in the tree eating cotton candy is just another exhibit. Once in the baboon inclosure, my son pointed asking, "What's he doing?" I look up and a very large baboon was having a party with his shake weight (code word, dear readers) of course all I had to do was point to his brother, "Look, your brother is licking the glass." See, both are perfectly normal.

Of course, you can always guarantee the family vacation at Disney World is full of screaming children. I went with my kids when they were little to Disney turning to my sister horrified, "They don't serve beer here? We've already bought admission tickets!" She pointed to the sign, "But this is the Happiest Place on Earth?" A equally horrified father leaned over to us, "That's why those big black gates close behind you after you walk in." A few hours into the day, I learned it was normal culture to scream at your children at the "Happiest Place on Earth" as I grabbed the hair of one child trying to jump into the water of the "It's a Small World" boat ride, realizing yes, beer probably would make it worse.

Now that my children are older, they refuse to do the Walmart dance and thwart my suggestions of the learning experience of the Zoo, I've no desire to visit the "Happiest Place on Earth." Now the only place I can take them where it is natural habitat full of screaming children?


I think that's why they now serve wine in Target.

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