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Tuesday, December 27, 2016

WTF - New Year Resolutions

Can you believe it's been a year since I didn't become the better person I was supposed to be?

I've always thought New Year Resolutions were for suckers, people who want pressure and drama in their life.

Here's how New Year Resolutions are Stressful:
You stand there looking at the Oreo package, only three cookies left, but didn't say you were eating healthy this year. What do you do?

Justify emptying the package because it is taking too much room in the pantry?
Figure you'll put your resolution of eating healthy on the kids, eating the cookies so they are not tempted.
Ditch the resolution and dip those babies into cold milk until they practically fall apart, achieving your resolution of finding happiness with each delicious bite.

A friend forwarded me an article by WEBMD on "How to make resolutions that stick."

First of all, WEBMD? Really, I can't go to that website without coming out with Stage IV Rectal, abdominal, combinational cataract cancer! But I did take a moment, reading the article, thinking, "Hey, I could do this." Here is the list:

8. Think about last year. No wait, don't think about last year, you'll either give up resolutions completely as you make your way to the Confessional or your day is shot as you remember, "Oh ha! Who's decision was it to swim naked there?" Thinking about last year could get you in trouble.

9.  Write it down. The article says nothing gets done without writing it down, I'm still up with Think about last year and writing down everything for blackmail, or that autobiography bestseller "What happens on the mountain, stays on the mountain." I could be rich either way!

8. Don't try to do it all in January. Unless it is drinking, what a great resolution to see if you can go through all those Christmas presents in one month.

7.  Go from Baby Steps to Big Goals. You don't have to purchase the Magnum of Wine just yet, start with a bottle and feel good about yourself.

6.  Get a little help from your friends.  Especially that pesky resolution of Drinking More. Tell your friends it is water, pull out the magnum when they appear!

5.  Identify Time Wasters - seriously who needs kids bothering you when you're trying to surf the internet or binge watch Vikings. Get rid of those time wasters!

4.  Sometimes a year is not enough. Just do what I do Jan 2nd, ditch that resolution because hey, we all knew you weren't going to keep it anyway. Unless it was the Drink More!

Here's a few resolutions that are keepers:

I will exercise more, don't send a text to someone in the other room, yell louder!
I will throw out the hair in the drain of the tub immediately and not build up a slimy wad!
I will not treat the dog like a vacuum, not ALL the time.
I will not eat medicine because it tastes like candy.
I will not drink and order online, I'm still trying to figure out my Shake Weight.
I will not take a sleeping pill and laxative at the same time. (Don't ask)

So there ya have it, a great way of making 2017 a successful year!


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