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Tuesday, August 30, 2016

WTF - Raising Children

Raising children has taught me some invaluable lessons about life:

Life is like babies, there's always some type of shit to deal with - thrown at you, to clean up, or to just deal with it.

Never make promises you cannot keep, kids brains are like steel traps to a promise. You'll hear, "Remember when you promised you'd save me the last Oreo 6 years ago and ate it? I remember that Mom, I remember it well."

White clothing is the unicorn of the universe, everyone's heard of it but no one, I repeat, no one has ever seen one.

There is never enough food in the cupboard, even 15 minutes after you go grocery shopping, there is "nothing to eat."

Always stay positive, you are "positive" you are losing your mind, you are "positive" you're going to kill whoever left tubes of Chapstick in the dryer, you are "positive"

You are not alone. I am not talking about what feels like an alien invasion when a child stands next to your bed at 3am just staring at you. I'm saying even after they let you go to the bathroom alone, they still stand outside the door saying, "Mom, I need to ask you a question."

If you worry that no one out there has it as crazy as you do, just go to Chick Fil A on a Saturday and lunchtime and try dining right next to the play place. You will feel completely normal after.

There's not more fun than embarrassing a teenager.

Battle tactical learning is a must, because we all start off trying to be a referee between our children but it ends up degenerating into guerrilla warfare by the end.

I have learned things from my children, that I actually have patience and that "no swearing" promise I made to them a year ago, well, that's never gonna happen.

Some of the best teachable moments are when everything goes wrong, and we all enjoy watching Dad totally lose it.

You will never be ready to a parent, and you'll spend the rest of your life second guessing everything you do, so do it anyway.

Karma is watching that person that give you so much advice when your baby was born totally freaking out exactly the same way you did when their child comes along.

Each new adventure for your child is equal parts letting go and running screaming after them.

Parenting is one part paying attention, one part not exactly listening, one part paying the price for not listening, one part freaking out.

Take every emotion you've ever felt to the extreme, if you can handle that you can become a parent.

If you meet new parents and all they talk about is how special their child is and what amazing things they will do, remember you were that same person when your child was born.

That first time you go to the grocery store alone will feel both sad and magical, there's time to shop!

If you ever want to know what unconditional love feels like?

Have a child.

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