WTF - I'm Lost

Before the days of smart phones, I couldn't find my way out of a paper bag and now with my smart phone, I'm still trying to find my way out of a paper bag.

I'm cueing in a trip taking the boys to Liberty Snowflex Center in Lynchburg, VA. I change the voice of Siri to a very stunning Australian man named Rolf, making the drive a little bit better.

Rolf: "Your trip time is 4 hours and 22 minutes."

The kids scramble on our home wifi trying to download enough movies to cover 4 hours and 22minutes.

Our trip starts out pleasant enough, typical about 10 minutes 32 seconds into it someone is hungry.

"I'm hungry."

"Are you kidding me? We just left?"

"Can we get Chick Fil A?"

"Honey we are out in the middle of nowhere, there isn't a Chick Fil A."

I hear him on his phone in the backseat, "Find the nearest Chick Fil A."

After about an hour, or so into the trip Rolf reminds me:

"Your travel time is 3 hours and 54 minutes."

What? We've already been driving an hour and had only one bathroom break. I'm calculating the arrival time thinking, "Either we were in the bathroom way too long or I must have made a wrong turn."

This is where Rolf pisses me off. If I make a wrong turn, then he'll just instantly recalculate me to my destination even if it is an hour out of the way. He needs to yell, "Hey dumbass you missed that right turn I TOLD YOU ABOUT and are going the WRONG WAY!"

Once I missed a turn driving in MD and Rolf navigated me to the Chesapeake River saying, "Take the ferry."  What? Take F*cking Ferry where? It was a beautiful ride down the Chesapeake then an equally beautiful drive through farm land but cost me 2 hours.

Back to Rolf and Snowflex, I'm thinking, "They'll still have plenty of time on the fake snow if we get there at 7 rather than 5, right?"

Another 30 minutes later Rolf asks, "There is a faster route saving 1 hour and 4 minutes, reroute?"

"Yeah, ya dumb ass!"

He takes me off the highway and we parallel the highway for 6 miles then get back on the highway. What the hell was that? I'm beginning to think Rolf has lost his mind.

Further down the highway, Rolf tells me, "Take exit 150A, then mispronounces some town names and Route numbers. I'm desperately trying to keep up with exit numbers because if I miss it, I'll add another 3 hours to the trip! Of course the signs say, "Lynchburg, the next 7 exits."

Holding my breath I have everyone looking for Exit 150A, all the kids screaming, "THERE IT IS" as I two wheel it, cutting off three cars but exit safely.

Rolf says, "Take the right on state road 8797453."

I'm looking for this, trying to look at the map and of course, miss it. I need Rolf to yell,

"You missed the turn, dumbass!" Not "rerouting....."

We make it to SnowFlex at 6 not because of Rolf but because of a child......

"Hey, my phone says there's a Chick Fil A 20 minutes from here."

It took me 25 minutes to get back on track because I was busy arguing with Rolf. He took me several back roads from Chick Fil A to State Road 8797453 including one under construction.  "Dammit Rolf, didn't you see the construction, we've been waiting here for 20 minutes!"

"Rerouting......"

I'm going to go find my paper bag and maybe Rolf needs me to stop and ask for directions.

WTF Why Do You Do It?

I know what ya'll are thinking,

I know why she does it,

She can't stop skiing.

Then they ask, "How did you survive it?

With a cooler full of snacks and drinks, one paper map and of course

A good sense of humor.

You see, I've been doing this for years, and it's always been fun even as the different stresses change.

Now I go from sweating through a screaming baby for the last 2 hours of the drive to,
the "Are we there yet" 2 million times in the last two hours.

I go from muttering curses as a toddler sends his drink all over the floor mat of the back seat to,
muttering curses as a teenager does THE SAME THING! (Really?)

I go from a baby or toddler destroying the car seat with poop during the drive to,
three teenagers making our room look like someone pooped all over it.

I go from listening to the same movie over and over again to,
Listening to their teenage talk which is much more interesting. I didn't know Crusty was a word until this road trip.

I go from cleaning wrappers, boxes, drinks and other scary shit out of my car to,
well, cleaning shit that I at least recognize out of my car. (Who ate the last slim Jim?)

I do it and survive it each time because these trips with the kids are short lived.
I get to listen to them talk about the adventure of the day before.
Listen to their laughter as they talk about me almost falling into the Gondola because "Mom was freaked she'd miss it! How do you miss a Gondola?"
You bet, I'm getting out the maps and planning something for summer, because I'm on a mission.

I only have two more Spring Breaks before Son #1 is gone.

And, as we all cheered seeing the sign saying, "Boone 23 miles" they all said, "Thanks Mom!"

That made it worth it.

Until one of them farted and the other said, "What's that smell?"

Oh yeah, and I did for the skiing, who am I kidding?

Yeah, and the crabs.

The crabs were definitely worth it.

WTF - Is that puke?

Last day of skiing at Killington and we all made it until 2pm. What a great way to end the season!

So how did I feed three teenagers on a budget? Grocery store!  I found a market that included a deli and bought them them two big vats of beef stew along with another vat of mashed potatoes! Done! I left all the kids with their food in the room to go have a glass of wine in the lodge in front of the fire and work!  Ahh, now I get my relaxation right?

After an hour of writing and relaxing, I figured I should move the boys out of the room into the hot tub or just get them to do something.

My first thought when I walk in the room was, "What's that smell?" As I step into something cold and wet on the carpet.

"Oh, that's the stew," my child says, "Max was holding it and I swung around knocking it out of his hand." They are all casually watching TV.

I look, there's stew on the wall, stew on the carpet, and of course, a nice white towel covering the last of the stew on the carpet!

"Oh my God, it look like someone puked in here!" I say picking up the towel looking at the stew on it, "Or had diarrhea!"

"What?" They say, "We ate most of it, just a little bit spilled"

A little bit?  A little bit? It looks like a stew bucket exploded in the room!

"I smell more than stew," I ask.

"We sprayed air freshener because the room smelled like stew," they say. I go and do what they should have done, open the window.

Crusty is now totally crusty!

So we go about cleaning up the stew because we have to check out in the morning!  I make a towel pile in the bathroom, covering the stew towels (which looked like someone pooped on them) with cleaner looking towels hoping the maid won't see them. In the bathroom, I'm shocked, "Who got stew on the toilet seat?" I ask while cleaning that up.

"That's not stew, that was Max," I hear them say as I gag.

I find the rest of the stew in a trash can without a liner, looking like someone puked in it. I dump the stew into the toilet, try cleaning out the trashcan but it's already dried to the trash can,

Oh well.

Not only did I step on a cold wet carrot in the middle of the night using the bathroom, but I decided the only thing I could do was leave this note for the maid.

Back to the car and the first of our major road trips working our way back,

Next stop Baltimore!

WTF - Easter Egg Hunts Are Stupid!

So we got the first drive out of the way, making it to my sister's house in Ijamsville, MD.  It's so nice when you have people that let you crash and you're not long haul trucking!

Sunday was Easter morning.

We came down in the morning one boy saying, "What is that smell?"

"Ham, eggs, hash browns, sugar doughnuts, fruit, bacon, sausage!
You can always tell when another mother has boys - they know how to lay out of the food.

Plus, I told my kids were on a edge of starvation diet through this trip because

A, I don't want to keep stopping and,
B. Food is expensive.

So they understood to fill up at brunch because they could be gnawing each other's fingers by the time we get to Vermont.





My sweet sis also put together an Easter Egg Hunt for the kids!

My child, "Easter Egg Hunts are dumb."
The cousin, "These eggs have candy and MONEY in them."
My other child, "I love Easter Egg hunts!

The "one, two, three, GO!" Looked pretty much like a WWE Smackdown. I was regretting not putting Max's brace on as his brother shoved him into the side of our truck.

As the kids ran around looking for eggs, I looked to my sister, "This is perfect easter egg hunt because I think I already forgot where I hid the eggs!" Made me remember when my Mom hid real hard boiled eggs for Easter and I found a lost one two weeks later, I touched it, it exploded, I threw up!

We hid 65 eggs, and the boys came up with 61 eggs, all of us trying to use our Math skills early on a Sunday and it just not working out. One of the cousins thought he was smart enough to hit the front yard while everyone went to the back yard. Here's how his plan worked.

Cousin- 16 eggs, one big pile of candy.
My Child - 6 eggs, candy and $14
My Child - 7 eggs, candy and $10
My Child - 9 eggs, candy and $12
Cousin - 10 eggs, candy and $8
Cousin - 13 eggs, candy and $6

How'd that would out for ya!  Anyway, big props to my sister for making our first night excellent and helping us celebrate Easter!  I'm figuring those extra eggs left in the yard with money in them are her "for a rainy day" savings account.

Oh, and she refilled the snack bag that exploded again about 15 minutes into the trip.