We are already into the dog days of summer and even though I hate it, one summer bucket list is always the local water park. When I mention our typical summer trip, the boys get excited, the hubby looks at me.
"Don't worry, I know you don't step foot in water parks, movie theaters and Chuck E Cheese!" He nods, happy he doesn't have to endure what I endure at the waterpark.
My first thought when we pull in is the massiveness of the place, a cesspool of germs. I follow the line of cars resembling a hurricane evacuation into the place my first thought is, "What have I gotten myself into?"
Always find something to be grateful for, I tell myself, watching several people walk by thinking, I feel much better about my bathing suit choice!
I set up shop by the kiddie area feeling this could be the safest, calmest spot of the water park. Nope.
I'm sitting and applying sunscreen, minding my own business when two women start screaming at each other warring over a chair in the shade. Granted, I'd rather be in the shade also I've been there 15 minutes and already look like a stuck pig.
"You don't own the water park, I can sit wherever I want!"
"This is my chair, you have to move!"
"I'm not moving from MY CHAIR!"
They call security (pronounced Securrritaaayyy and OVER A CHAIR) effectively shutting down the "kiddie area" until the dispute is settled. No on in and no one out. "Am I going to get taken down in the kiddie pool" I wonder as they start negotiating with the women. One of the officers has a gun, another has a taser. I grab my phone thinking "What an amazing Snapchat if I catch that woman getting tased over a lounge chair!" Luckily they talked one woman out of the chair and of course she plops right next to me in the sun. Time to move.
My next section involves little Samson who has a big offensive mouth. I swear this child is probably 5 maybe 6 years old with the mouth of a seasoned sailor. Mom looks over to me, "He's just excited about being here." No kidding, if he screams at you one more time about applying sunscreen I'm going over there slapping him for you. Time to move.
I go to the wave pool thinking this would be a relaxing place, I can stick my toes in the water and watch all the kids play, right? 15 minutes into this some little girl is sneezing into the water next to me as a used Bandaid washes up on my foot. Time to move.
My last resort is spending the next 3 hours in the Lazy River, everyone hates the Lazy River because it is boring - perfect! I park it in my tube, put on my big hat ready to take a nap as I go in circles for an hour or so. Of course, a bunch of kids show up behind me saying,
"Dude, let's chill in the lazy river."
This is my lazy river, I think, can't us adults have ONE spot in the water park?
"Look Laura is over there, let's go bug her." So they splash me trying to get to Laura then I listen to Laura scream as they play with her tube.
"Mom, I have to go to the bathroom," a little girl floats by me on her tube, snot running from her nose.
Wait a minute, she's positioning herself perfectly upstream from me!
"Just hold it for a little longer, we'll go around again," I hear Mom say.
Time to move.
How do you sum up a trip to the water park?
Taking one for the family.
Selling organs to get in, chasing everyone down coating them with two layers of sunscreen, sitting and sweating in the sun and oh, the 50 dollar lunch of a large pizza and two sodas. So when it came time to leave, the cute little teenage photographer informed me I have pictures taken in the park available for purchase of course.
What? Me looking horrified as it took 3 security guards and 2 life guards persuading a very large lady her chair did not belong to her?
Wait! It had to be my face when I gave myself an enema on the Devil's Drop, right?
Oh maybe me screaming and jumping out of the chair as the Bandaid floats onto my foot?
No, it has to be the Lazy River, I think they got my best side when giving teenagers the "Evil Eye."
"Naw," I say, "I've got to save up for the Rollercoaster park!"