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Monday, July 18, 2016

WTF - Marriage, sometimes you need a sense of humor

Marriage - two people bound together by the same sense of humor.

Wait, did I say that?

I thought I'd give a few examples of how "perfect" my marriage is because of our sense of humor.

For example:

Husband, Where do you want to go out to eat?
Me, Whatever you want to do.
Husband, Tacos?
Me, I don't feel like tacos.
Husband, "Pizza?
Me, Pizza is too greasy.
Husband, Hamburgers
Me, Hamburgers are too fattening.
Husband, what do YOU want to eat.
Me, Whatever, it doesn't matter.

My husband watches me work the straw of a a Cook Out Milkshake like a hooker at a bachelor party. After five minutes I realize he is staring at me, so I say, "What?" He shakes his head saying, "I've been cheated!"

Change to him blowing out half a lung blowing up balloons for a party, I look at his blood red sweaty face saying, "Don't hurt yourself, I'm not driving all the way to the hospital."

My husband walks in on me naked - on my hands and knees scrubbing the shower.  "Are you propositioning me?" He asks with a smile. "Of course not, I'm multitasking," I mutter.

You know you have your soul mate when you both take a picture of the "Perfectly loaded dishwasher" saying to each other, "I don't think things will ever align up like that again in our lifetime."  Especially that orgasmic excitement when your masterpiece turns out perfectly clean dishes!

My husband walks into the bedroom as I am scrambling underneath the covers with an "Ahhhh." "Are you propositioning me?" He asks. "No, not unless you want poison ivy," I mutter.
Coming up on that special wedding anniversary, I say, "We should get married again." Without skipping a beat he says, "To who?"

Some young buck in the neighborhood asks if I want my driveway shoveled of 16 inches of snow, I look at my hubby and say, "Oh no thanks, his insurance policy is up to date!"

In the middle of an argument, I caught myself saying, "You think I think I am always right - well, YOU'RE WRONG!" I can't remember what we were arguing about after that sentence. 

Husbands phone charger suddenly stops charging, he looks over to me, I say, "Oh no you don't!" We both end up in a WWE match for my block and charger.

Husband: Are you going to share those cheese and crackers.
Me, looking at my plate silently counting the number of cheese and crackers.
Me, slowly sliding the plate away from husband.

Looking over to him holding up two identical toothbrushes saying, "Which one is yours? Should I throw them away or do you just wanna pick one?"

You know you've been married a long time when part of your date night involves describing something disgusting in detail, and your hubby responds with a few more questions for clarity.

Oh and of course my favorite saying, usually said at least once a day:

"Oh? Did I F*ck up again?"

How do you define a happy marriage?