Looking For Something?

Saturday, May 13, 2017

WTF - Redefining Wrinkles

I thought I would be honest about getting old, I mean, now that I'm finally 21.

Oh, I got carded at Walmart for my wine, just saying.

I pointed to my face saying, "With all these lines you think I'm too young to drink? These lines are the reason why I drink."

What lines do you say? Let's start around the eyes.

Those lines are the "You did WHAT?" lines, when they are walking in with that look of "I almost died" and of course they tell you exactly what happened.

"Max fell out of the tree, you should see how wide his eyes were when he couldn't breath," my eyes go wide.
"I was really lucky when the match fell into the wet grass lighting the firecracker in Max's hand," Eyes get narrow.

My eyes spend so much time going wide then narrowing I've got plenty of "You did WHAT?" lines around them.

Above the eyes is the forehead lines called the "What the hell?" These are deeper than the "You did What" lines and can disappear when your children are behaving. The number of "What the Hell" lines is directly proportionate to the number of children you have....

Below those is the beautiful long groove between my eyebrows I call the, "WHAT THE F*CK?" line.
This is created by both eyebrows going up as the eyes get wide while you're looking at your child saying, "What the......?"

I have two boys so the "WHAT THE F*ck?" line between my eyebrows is pretty deep and does not go away when they behave.

Around my mouth there is the "Wait till your father gets home" lines. There's a lot of those. That's from frowning at their explanation on why they did all their homework then "forgot" to turn it in. Or you're planning on company for dinner and after cleaning the house, they appear out of their rooms like with big smiles on their face holding mountains of laundry.

The boys call these my "vampire" lines because the one and only time I wear lipstick it seeps into those lines making them "scarier" according to the boys. They sure to know how to compliment.
The final lines are on my neck, are the "No" lines.
No, you cannot shave the dog.
No, you can't jump off the roof of the house onto the trampoline.
No, you cannot beat up your brother.
No, I am the only saying that word.

You'll notice the lines go only one way because I've spent all my life with kids saying, "No."

Luckily, there's plenty of "Laugh" lines around my mouth, because well, if you have kids, you realize the importance of a sense of humor!

I think I'll stop there, because moving below the neck involves looking up terms in National Geographic and explanations in Mad Magazine.

So for now, I'll grab my bottle of wine, put my ID away and not look back at the cashier in Walmart with a "What the F*ck?" Don't want to deepen that line.

No comments:

Post a Comment