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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Thursday, May 4, 2017

WTF - Mom Love and Light Translations


We, as Moms need help with our language when our kids piss us off, which is on a regular basis. So I thought I would give you love and light translations, in a good way creating that positive parenting relationship between you and your teenager:

Walking into the kitchen after they "made" dinner.
You say, "Wow, looks like you two were getting creative in here," rather than,
"What the F*ck?"

Walking into their bedrooms.
You say, "Wow, you may want to wash a load of laundry, do you have any clean clothes?"
rather than, "What the F*ck?"

When they look at you and say, "I'm bored."
You say, "Hi bored, my name is Mom," rather than,
"Get your f*cking a** off the couch and clean your f*cking room."

When they ask you for money, you say,
"Ask your father," rather than
"Ask someone who f*cking cares."

When they bring all the laundry from their room and deposit in in front of the washer, you say,
"I guess you can binge wash The Office tonight" rather than,
"Do you expect me to f*cking do all this laundry?"

When they ask you to take them to Boone, wait 4 hours while they skate, then bring them over to Johnson City for a date, you say,
"That's just not feasible," rather than,
"Are you f*cking kidding me?"

When they tell you you're going to get cancer from drinking so much coffee (oh, OK wine,) you say,
"Oh that's interesting," rather than,
"What the hell?"

When they ask you to drive back to school at 11am to drop of a paper they need signed then turn around and come back at 230p to pick them up, you say,
"Well that sounds really interesting, I'm not sure my schedule can handle that today," rather than,
"Let' me play Mario F*cking Andretti up and down 194 today!"

When they wake up and tell you they forgot about a book report that's due today, you say,
"You'll have to talk to your teacher about possible rescheduling," rather than,
"Why didn't you f*cking do that yesterday when you were playing f*cking video games."

When they want you to some weird picture from a Math equation, you say,
"Well, that's what research is all about," rather than,
"I have no f*cking idea."

When you come home to them on the couches, wrappers and soda cans all over the room, you say,
"Well, looks like someone's going to get the trashcan right now," rather than,
"Who am I? The f*cking maid?"

When you accuse them of talking back and they tell you they are "explaining," you say,
"Oh, let's talk again about how wrong you are EXPLAINING," rather than,
"Let me show you how F*cking explaining works!"

When they freak out because you ask them to put their shoes away," you say,
"I'm sorry it upset you that I asked you to put your shoes away," rather than,
Throwing their shoes at them saying, "Here's your f*cking shoes!"

So let me know how peaceful you house is now that you've implemented my love and light translations to everyday "what the f*ck" moments!

Better yet, share your translations, I can always learn a new language of love keeping me from killing my children.




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