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Thursday, February 8, 2018

WTF - Home Remedy for Female Eyes Only

Do the past two days, I've wanted to take a blow torch to my hoo hoo. And ya'll understand what I mean if you are female. If you are male and love all the ladies in your life, you may not want to read on.

Yeast Infection.  There I said it.  Say it with me ladies
Yeast Infection.

Itching in places you cannot scratch. I'm not sure which is worse, when the roof of your mouth itches or your hoo hoo itches? What do you think?

How did this happen to me? I'm surprisingly clean from my vaginal steaming? What's that? Click here for my review of vaginal steaming.

So I do what I normally do - start with the natural remedy, right?


That's everything I read. If you are a vampire and get a yeast infection you are screwed because every remedy included garlic.

Whole or crushed? Powder or cloves?

Eat lots of garlic was what I thought I read, but it was a little more complicated than that.

Here's your remedy.  Take a clove of garlic, peel it, tie a string around it and

Stick it up there.  Yes, I read that part twice.

Up where? I wondered, then the picture that came up on the internet shocked me! She needs to shave!

OK, I'm a modern woman, I can try this. Plus I didn't feel like driving off the mountain for the drug store.

I find the garlic in my spice drawer and it's growing a nice plant. I got back to instructions, that's OK, you can still use it.

First peel the garlic. Then tie a string around it. This is not as easy. Did you know garlic peeled is slippery and I didn't have any string except for dental floss that was waxed? After several failed attempts, I finally got the turkey needle out (because that's the only one I can thread) and stuck it through the garlic, tying the knot.

Then you're supposed to stick it up there.  Guys if you've made it this far you might as well finish the blog. I'm looking at the little piece of garlic thinking, "I've had two kids, I think I'm gonna need a bigger piece of garlic."

I'm getting ready to do this but read another important part of the remedy, you do this at night.

At night? To keep the vampires away? No.

Did you know that your HaaHoo is directly connected to your mouth (there is a joke there somewhere and I think it has to do with well, I'll let your mind join mine in the gutter if it goes there) So once you add the garlic to the mix you'll taste garlic as long as it is in place. Ewww, so that's why they do it at night, you'll sleep through the garlic taste.

So I put it where it's supposed to go and it comes right back out again. I guess my Kegel exercises are working! Let's try this again. There it goes! Time for bed and waking up refreshed and itch free!

I try to sleep a burning sensation is churning down there. Garlic burns perhaps that is why vampires hate it? This burns for a while but I am a positive person, the burning is better than the itching, am I right?

I go all night dreaming of Italian food with the taste of garlic in my mouth!

The next morning, the instructions say, just pull the string and Voila! It's out!  So I pull the string and the string comes out.

Oh shit! I'm going to taste garlic for the rest of my life! I go to the trouble shooting section.

What to do if the garlic didn't come out!

Their first instruction was Don't Panic! My thought is "I'm way past that."

I read, it can't get lost, it's in there you'll have to look for it.

What the hell does that mean? It can't get lost? 

"Act like you are going number two and that should bring it out," the instructions say.

So I sit on the toilet and read my phone but nothing happens. Guess I'm looking for it. It crossed my mind to ask the hubby for help as a joke, but he probably wouldn't think this was very funny.

After a few prayers and a little searching, I find it! And both the piece of garlic and I sigh in relief!

Conclusion: It actually worked but I can still taste garlic.

Benefits: Cheaper than the drug store.
I didn't have to leave the mountain.
I made Italian food for three straight days 
Learning my anatomy when it got lost.

Cons: Learn how to tie a knot better.

Oh and By The Way: You can just use these directions. Don't Google Garlic for Yeast Infections because not only will your HooHoo burn but your eyes will burn.  You're welcome.

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