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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Sunday, October 1, 2017

WTF - The Doctor's Visit

I've always hated doctor visits because usually when I go I am sick.

And the first thing .the receptionist asks me is, "What is the purpose of your visit?"

This time I couldn't state the obvious of "I am sick" so I decide to say, "Renewing my prescription of Viagara."  She didn't think it was funny.

Going to the doctor is like going to any ride in the Disney Park.

You get through the door and think well there's not a whole lot of people waiting, this could be pretty easy.

30 minutes later you are the only person in the waiting room without a sickness mask, and you've finished reading the Ulcers Weekly and Irritable Bowel Magazine

This is where they get you.

Before you get pissed, they move you to the next holding tank making you think you are moving along, just like those lines for the rides. Bait and switch.

The nurse takes me from the waiting room back to the examination rooms.

My weight is what?

My God, I shrunk?

My blood pressure is normal because my kids aren't around.

Here's the second bait and switch. Once you leave the waiting room, you think, "Cool now things are progressing!"

They take you into a room, make you strip and put on something like a large paper trash bag saying, "The doctor will be with you in just a minute."

See? Disney! You think you are almost there and bam! There's a turn around the corner and another 100 people waiting!

So you wait feeling the cold breeze going up the paper bag  while every move crunches up the paper on the table until it is a tangled mess. After checking all your social media sights on your phone you finally looking up thinking, "Where are they?"

At this point they know you are starting to get antsy so the Doctor will walk past your door talking while someone bangs your medical chart next to the door. This gives them more time before they have to see you, because basically you are a prisoner sitting half naked waiting. They know you'll not get dressed to go out and find out what is taking so long!

After another 30 minutes of waiting naked, 

He finally makes it to your room, you are either asleep or wove the tissue you've been lying on into a quilt because your backside is freezing.

"What seems to be the problem?" He asks in his doctor's voice.

 This is where the doctor's presence is the ride portion of the Disney ride, you wait over an hour and then before you know it after 5 minutes it's over and you are walking out of the doctor's office holding some type of prescription slip.

"This prescription has possible side effects including, excessive flatulence, diarrhea, nose bleeds and suicidal thoughts."

Shit, I should just go home and sip some honey and whiskey and call it a day, it's much cheaper than all these pills.

Plus if I drink enough I'll feel like I'm on that Disney ride and that doesn't include the wait.

Do you think a trip to the doctor is like a Disney ride?

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