WTF - Timber, There Goes My Manhood

I'm lost in Walmart and can't get out!

Since when have we created an entire aisle in Walmart dedicated to "manly" beauty products.


Can you smell them? Who wants to smell manly?

Men?

Entire collections of shampoo with names marketers thought sounded manly.

ManlyMan
Manful
YouHaveBalls
NotYourWifes


Some product names making sense, like
Hydrate for Men
Odor Guard

Others, I'm not so sure:
Whatever Messy - I thought pomade made your hair non messy?
Phoenix - Is this made in Phoenix?
Dark Temptation - what does this mean? Will you be tempted to use too much body spray?

Packed full of scent, when we open the bottle the scent of manliness makes all of us want to hitch our pants, add a straw of wheat between our teeth and go ride a bucking bronco.

There's men's shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wash and yes, lotion.

What happened to the unscented bar of soap?

"What's this in our shower?" The hubby asks walking out of the bathroom holding up a red bottle.
"Oh that's your body wash," I reply not looking up.
"My body wash? Timber? What happened to a good old bar of soap?"

The boys explain, "Dad it is a Man's Wash, see it says FOR MEN."
He looked at the bottle, "Since when do I shower in Timber, what does that mean?"

"Oh they come up with different scents, we like this one," the younger child replies.

I look up from my book, "Believe me, I spent 20 minutes in Walmart smelling all the different scents before they finally agreed to Timber over the Wolftorn and Hawthorne."

The youngest continues his explanation, "They have different combinations, this one smells good with the shampoo and conditioner."

"Shampoo and Conditioner?" He asks looking over at me.

"Yes, we bought the Antarctic Shampoo and the Timber Conditioner, so you smell good." The child replies like my hubby needed this education.

He shakes his head, "All I need is a bar of soap for my body and my hair, I don't need all this fancy stuff."

"Don't forget your cologne when you are done," they yell after him as he disappears into the shower.

"Over my dead man bag," he replies.

He has decided face lotion is a possibility because well, when you get older there are quite a few more lines and he read face lotion hides a few of them.  Since I haven't bought a "manly" face lotion for him yet, he's stuck with mine.

"Is this the one?" He asks holding up a generic looking white bottle.

"No, that's for your hands," I reply.

"But it says lotion," he asks looking at the bottle.

"Yes, it is lotion, but it is HAND lotion. This one is your full body lotion," I say.

"So use that one?" He asks.

"No this is full body lotion, but don't use it on your face, here is the face lotion. See, it says FACE on it," I hand him the bottle.

He shakes his head, "Maybe we need a Timber version of face lotion, so I'll know what bottle to use."