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Tuesday, June 14, 2016

WTF - My Relationship with the Security Guard

We've all seen the Chippendales, you know the security guards that take it off? OK, neither have I but I thought I would share my relationship with my favorite security guard.

We've always joked about the gates to communities, is it to keep people out or to keep the people in? And why do some communities have gates that are perpetually open - a "we'd love to have you, oh psych, close the gate!"

I teach yoga classes at a mountain club requiring gated access. That's where I meet the security guard, lets call him Ricky Bobby and the beginning of our loving relationship.

Day one - Coming in hot, I take the first available lane, next to the security shack.

"Hi, I'm the yoga instructor for the day."

"Ma'am you are not a member of this club, you need to use the guest lane. Do you have a permit?"

"Um, no....do I need one?"

"I have to call for confirmation," I wait tapping out the new Justin Timberlake song on my steering wheel. He comes out looking like he had to go through Congress to get my day permit.

"On your way out please go to guest services for your permit," he says writing some type of note in the log. Does it say Wild woman in Mini Cooper, post warnings to all the golf carts?

"Sure thing!" I say, feeling like I was entering Fort Knox as the gate slowly went up.

Next Week - I now have my permit and am going through the correct lane. Why is Robert waving me down? Doesn't he realize I'm running late to my class?

"Hey there, I'm supposed to go through the guests lane right?" Justin Timberlake is blaring on my car's speakers.

"No Ma'am, now that you have your permit you will want to take the far right lane for contractors."

I look at the 4 inch difference between lanes, around at the total lack of cars, "Oh, OK. You have a great day!"

Next Week - I'm in the right lane, why is waving me down? Is the community on Lock Down?

This time because I like Robert, I turn down Journey on the car stereo, "Good morning! Permit - check. Contractor Lane - Check, are you having a great morning?"

"Ma'am the speed limit in the community is posted, you were approaching the gate at an inappropriate speed."

I'm feeling very Fast and Furious, "Oh sorry. Running late to class! Have a great morning."

At this point Robert is frowning at me as I leave.

Next Week - I think maybe he's beginning to like me, look at that frown as I pull in. Let's make it fun. I pull into the members lane, stop on a dime. This time it is Bruno Mars blasting. He should know me by now by my taste in music!

"Can I help you?" Then he looks at me like, "Oh, it's YOU!"

"Good morning! I'm the yoga instructor, but my car is in the shop so I'm in a different car this week."

"You will need a temporary permit," He disappears for a while, making me wonder if he is lobbying Congress, comes back with a piece of paper, puts it in the windshield, the wind immediately blowing it out and down the street. I think he loves me at this moment.

Robert adds another paper to the windshield with a sticky back, "Now Ma'am you know the speed limit, please acknowledge the stop signs, and watch the golf carts." I really think he did put that warning out in the community.

"No problem!  You have a great day," I say, running over the curb in my big truck right in front of Robert! Yes, we will have a long and beautiful relationship together.

You know what? I'd want someone like Robert at my gate, because no one, I mean no one gets in that place! Especially in the wrong lane!

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