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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Friday, January 20, 2017

WTF - The Birds and the WHAT?

Do you remember when you first learned about the birds and bees? I do, mine started with the very knowledgable friend explaining how we got the eggs on our breakfast plate.

"You need a Rooster and a Hen getting together to get an egg," she says sounding very authoritative. We all have that friend, when they find out something monumental, they HAVE to SHARE!

"Of course," I reply, acting as if I knew everything, but at 12, I have no clue, I just want to eat my breakfast.

"Did you know they have to rub their butts together to make the egg? AND it comes out of the same place the hen pees and poops out of?" She continues with something about Vents and Cloaca (Believe me, DO NOT Google these terms, I'm warning you.)

"Um yeah," I reply pushing my plate away wondering if there was poop in my egg.

She leans really close, "I think that's the same thing your Mom and Dad had to do, rub butts together."

And that, my friends was how I ended up in therapy later in life.

Of course I remember running home right after school to my mother scrubbing the bathroom floor saying, "Oh my God! That's disgusting! Did you really rub butts with Dad to make me?"

We then had a different discussion shocking me even more, I left my mother getting back to work on the floor saying, "I'll never do that. Ewww!"

Uh hum, well.

Cut to me and the minion in the car, the looming life skills class making me hope I can do this without sending him into therapy when he gets older, it costs ALOT of money!

"So, you know you've got this class coming up and part of it is how people make babies?

"Babies?" He says, he's more enamored with his phone that this conversation I'm sweating through.

"It is sometimes called the Birds and the Bees," I say, feeling like I dropped a bomb.

He doesn't even look up from his phone, "Oh yeah, I found this book at school in the library."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah two books, one was called Puberty and I forget the name of the other."

"What?!? Did you read it?"

"Yeah, my friends and I did."

Now I'm picturing a bunch of boys, gathered together in the library snickering or looking shocked. Well, at least it is not Playboy.

"Do you have any questions?"

He doesn't even look up from the phone, "Nope."

I'm quiet for a minute, I turn to him, "Did it start out with when a man loves a woman?"

"Something about the body and stuff, I can't remember."

Well that was easier than I expected, perhaps I've saving money. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He finally does look up from his phone, "Why?"

I think about this for a second, then shrug, "Well I love you."

Guess it's not time to talk about Chickens.

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