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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

WTF - Are You Happy To See Me?

Warning: If you are easily offended, pass on this one. Otherwise party on.

Would you like Dark or Milk Chocolate?

Every year we have a Naughty or Nice party in our mountain community, two things make this one unique:

Everyone is naughty, not a single nice gift.
The Median age of our group is older than me. (and I'm not telling my age, just old)

So I only get to visit Night Secrets, our local Fantasy Store once a year (seriously, I'm not kidding) for this party. Today was the day as I heard weather was coming in and I may not make it back to Boone tomorrow my last day before the party.

I'll start with a lift conversation between my sweet innocent husband and a good friend.

"What are you getting for the Naughty or Nice Party?"
He paused for a second, "A big Chocolate D*ck."
Our friends pauses for a very long time, we're worried we offended him, responds, "I could take a bite of that. Dark Chocolate or Milk Chocolate?"
Usually what happens on the lift, stays on the life, but I didn't name names right?

Back to me HAVING to get this gift, how do I do it with a child in the car?

"Where are you going?"
"I'm going into the AT&T store."
"Why? You have Verizon."
"I'm getting an accessory for a phone and they are the only one that has it."
"Is it for me for Christmas?"
"Possibly."
"Oh, OK."

Once safely inside, my car parked prominently in front of the AT&T store, I start down one aisle.

Thought Process:
How could some of these items come in so many different sizes and colors?
What is THAT for?
Oh my God.
That's hilarious, oh, they are serious about it.
5 DD batteries? Are we powering the revolution?
Maybe if I turn it upside down....OOOHHHH!

I pick out my gift bringing them up to the counter, the girl looking at my beet red face then down at my purchases.

"Would you like me to open this one and put batteries in it seeing if it works?"

(Oh, shit) "Um yes, that's good idea."

"You'll need 2 AA batteries for this guy, do you need batteries?"

"Uh no, I have kids." (Crap! Did I just say that? What is she thinking? Why is she smiling at me?)

She puts the batteries in, turns it on, we both stand there watching it for what seems a long period of time.

"Looks like it works like a champ," she says.

"Yep, someone's gonna be happy," I reply (Did I just say that?)

She takes the batteries back out and we both sigh as she puts it back in the box going back to ringing up my other purchases. Just as she's completing the purchase, I stop her,

"Wait do you have any chocolate d*cks?"

"Of course, they are over there by the vaginas."

Of course they are.

Merry Christmas the naughty way, what would you bring to a Naughty or Nice party?


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